my heart rate is 1 beat per minute by Steve Roggenbuck

                Haircare is of the utmost importance to Steve Roggenbuck. Gelled up mohawks are beautiful things to experience firsthand. People with mohawks tend to be highly lauded and respectable members of their community. Necklines too remain an important part of the haircare experience. Fortunately Steve Roggenbuck takes good care of his neckline. Steve Roggenbuck makes plans to shit next Saturday. In today’s fast paced world it is important to set aside time to shit. Without this time how can shit truly get real? Besides this Steve Roggenbuck has a heart that beats so hard it beats only one time per minute. If Steve Roggenbuck’s heart beats more than one time per minute YouTube cannot handle it. Too much love comes into the YouTube clip and it becomes a spiritual-ass experience, probably. 

                Steve Roggenbuck talks about the poop shoot quite a bit in this video. The poop shoot is symbolic of a poop shoot. Without a poop shoot people have serious difficulties. For individuals born without an anus they dream of poop shoots, of going to the bathroom like normal, anus-wielding individuals. Good thing Steve Roggenbuck gives a necessary shout out to a courageous individual who had a NILLA WAFER up in their poop shoot for a half hour. Oddly this is how NILLA WAFERS are usually made. Every time a person eats a NILLA WAFER they taste the poop shoot of a master NILLA WAFER expert. Passed down for generations the NILLA WAFER recipe originally came from ancient Mesopotamia.  


                Towards the end of the video Steve Roggenbuck feels quite randy. This is encouraging. Years go by without people feeling their inner randy. Randy is the inner child for everybody’s lust. A life without lust is a life that is hella boring, to quote the famous some random guy. Judging by the extreme emotional expression that graces Steve Roggenbuck’s face, his inner Randy comes forth. 

                For a while Steve Roggenbuck moves away from his inner Randy. Sometimes it can be hard to express love for the world. The world can be a cruel and unforgiving place, a place filled with gel pens but a place that might not actually gel for anybody. At the very tip top end of the piece Steve Roggenbuck expresses true love. Seemingly out of nowhere a dog appears and makes out with Steve Roggenbuck. Obviously the love between the two of them is palpable. Steve Roggenbuck loves life and loves the dogs of life.

why i own a backhoe by Steve Roggenbuck

                I speak fondly of backhoes for a variety of reasons. While Steve Roggenbuck inherited a backhoe from his Grandmother I went to college with a backhoe. Thanks to the awesome power of the backhoe I lost my virginity. There I was, a virgin in the world, unaware of the awesome pleasures of not being a virgin, when a backhoe talked me up to a special someone. Yes a backhoe makes for a great wingman. Later when I married the person I lost my virginity to the backhoe served as my best man. My life was forever changed to a backhoe and helped convince me of the importance of starting a family. Every day I thank my backhoe friend for helping to guide me to the joys of fatherhood even though my children totally suck. 

                Out of seemingly nowhere Steve Roggenbuck comments on a Blog. This is important for anybody with a blog to hear. Sometimes it is hard to blog. Not everybody is cut out for the blogging life. Finding new content, farming content, writing clever tags that only a handful of people will read, is a tough life. Every day when I go on my blog I hope that people might have found my blog with a vast variety of important tags. However the most popular tag on my blog still remains “Pauly Shore”. Wish that wasn’t the case, wish it was another, perhaps more blog-worthy tag. Yet there it is winning in bringing traffic to my site to an embarrassing degree. Though maybe it is not embarrassing to respect the hard work Pauly Shore put into his career in the late 80s and early 90s before taking a nap after 2000. I hope that through my blog I have helped Pauly Shore gain the confidence he needs to star in a mediocre direct to DVD movie. 

                Texture is important. Without texture the world is a tad bit bland. I like touching things, cool things like walls, grass, happy animals, and especially sad animals. Sometimes when I see someone or something sad I wish there was something I could do to alleviate that sadness, to bring them to happier places. A hug can go a long way in making creatures feel appreciated. That is why I hug trees wherever I go thanking them for making the air clean enough for me to breathe. I apologize to them for all the pollution they have to clean up but then the trees really like that carbon dioxide stuff. 

                Steve Roggenbuck ends it with a poignant discussion about being a maven something many want to be but something few can have. Steve Roggenbuck is the Socrates of YouTube community, telling the truths few ever want to confront.

Steve Roggenbuck — with Catalina Catalino (In an Open Relationship with Catalina Catalino)

                Steve Roggenbuck and Catalina Catalino are together at last. I remember the first time I met the young happy couple. To see their relationship confirmed via a Facebook relationship status update warms my sloth heart. Back when I first met the young intrepid couple of Steve Roggenbuck and Catalina Catalino things were very different for me.

                It was 1957 I was in Tangiers, Morocco writing composing tweets for various lines of Mountain Dew, from Red Alert Mountain Dew to Diet Mountain Dew to the infinitely unpopular caffeine free Mountain Dew. At the time I was struggling to think of a tweet that advertised Diet Mountain Dew’s refreshing taste while staying true to my journalistic integrity that I sold for twitter cash. That is when I saw the two of them. Steve Roggenbuck and Catalina Catalino were surfing on the Internet. For that particular day the surf was really rough with lots of news stories making the Internet surf hard to handle. Watching from my finely appointed Penthouse I saw the two of them wipe out. Summoning up my giant holographic Dodo bird I flew out to meet them. 

                “Are you two okay?” I asked as they spat out various Internet surf, cat MEMEs and DOGE. With all of their strength they said in unison “Boost”. I knew what they meant. I played them the entirety of Marvin Gaye’s album “I Want You” which is a pretty underrated album honestly. They seemed to be happy with the album as they flew on the back of the giant holographic Dodo bird. After I placed each of them in their own Gingerbread Jacuzzis I sang them a lullaby with the help of an internationally renowned ukulele player, the very one that inspired a mug that simply said “Oh fuck, ukulele poetry”. 

                Upon letting them rest in the Gingerbread Jacuzzis they went out the next day to surf the Internet back home. Before they left I informed them of the highly visible things they might be able to in order to boost their online relationship status to the next level. I deliberately used the word boost as it was a word the two were amply familiar with as an entire house was named after that pleasant powerful word. 

                Can Steve Roggenbuck and Catalina Catalino make waves in the Internet surf? Is any couple anywhere as good as the one created by the forces of Steve Roggenbuck and Catalina Catalino? Probably not, LOL!

ZEBRAS: The forgotten horse by Steve Roggenbuck

                Zebras are the Zebros of the animal kingdom. This much is obvious. What is less obvious is the relationship the Zebra had with the Quagga. While Zebras are most definitely bros, archaeological evidence strongly suggests that Quagga were hipsters. Life as a Quagga in the Southern Tip of Africa was certainly difficult as lots of people wanted to hunt them, to extinction. Unfortunately the people hunting the Quagga to extinction were ultimately successful as they had few others hobbies besides being real meanies to animals. 

                Pocking cash is a great way to earn money. One moment, no money, the next, lots of money, that is how capitalism works probably. Lots of people, not as much cash, with most of the cash going towards those who call themselves ‘ballers’ for their ability to purchase large quantities of balls, perhaps unreasonable amounts of balls. With these procured balls the rich of the world are able to party hard. However even with the balls behind them nobody is foolish enough to eat a diet of rabbit pellets for thirty days or worse, the Gangnam lifestyle. 

                Gangnam style was an internet phenomenon that took the world by storm. The resulting carnage of Gangnam style resulted in the deaths of millions of people across the world. People unable to get basic exercise took it upon themselves to jump headfirst into the Gangnam style lifestyle. They were not ready. YouTube crashed as the result of families being created to the sweet sounds of Gangnam style. Eventually with the help of the international community the Gangnam style has ended although at great cost. One of the countries least affected by Gangnam style was the one that needed it most: North Korea. Without Gangnam style diplomacy North Korea continues its descent into madness and international diplomatic condemnation. Anybody who took on Gangnam style without knowing the consequences is now dead or worse. 

                What Gangnam style did do is create a world full of people with perfectly healthy looking nipples. Initially problematic Gangnam style managed to restart the worldwide focus on the family. Thanks to Gangnam style millions of people saw the natural glow of their nipples return. For this the world is infinitely thankful. Unfortunately being such a polarizing event, with the death of millions and the creation of millions more, the creator of Gangnam style is currently unable to be found, opting instead to become a weird eccentric pop star who built a mountain out of his money. One day the creator of Gangnam style shall return to Earth to live among the mortals but for now he is truly a God.




thank u this mean’s a lot

                Animals need love too. People share the world with such wonderful creatures. The vast majority of creatures can provide humanity with cures to countless diseases. Within a few thousand years humans have thought themselves as the center of the universe when on Planet Earth human is simply a Planet in the universe that is the ecosystem. Humanity needs to treat the creatures that share the Earth with it with a lot more respect. Right now the amount of respect that the average animal gets from a human is pitiful. Maybe at a future point the cruel treatment of animals will be a distant memory. Until then there are a few who have begun to inform the rest of the world of the grave injustices done on behalf of factory farming. 

                Marina understands what it means to be living her life. She wakes up early in the satanic hours of the day. Anybody who wakes up early has to be a worshiper of Satan. There is no other way around it. Perhaps this is why Marina sees the clowns in front of her. Nobody wants to see clowns, ever. Children are afraid of clowns. Clowns are afraid of clowns. When clowns go to clown school they think about their missed opportunities pursuing an MBA, Ph.D., J.D., or a vast variety of other potentially more lucrative careers. The behavior of clowns is essentially the behavior of any immature forty-something living at home with their parents working a part-time gig at a dead end job.

                The world needs Keanu Reeves. The world needs that cool breeze over the mountain and the former Matrix star brings it. When Keanu Reeves is not busy acting he is busy contemplating the meaning of life and ordering pizza. Deep meditation often requires deep pizza, that deep dish pizza available in Chicago and Chicago-affiliated areas. New York currently does not support deep dish pizza but New York also does not support affordable housing for the vast majority of its citizens, so whatever. It has a long way to go. 

                Keanu Reeves has no long way to go. Keanu Reeves choose the road less traveled by and it made all the difference. The less traveled by road is of course found in Mario Go Kart and its sequel Mario Go Kart 2. Every one of those less traveled by road Keanu Reeves understands. So deep is Keanu Reeves’ knowledge of existentialism that he feels the need to play Golden Eye to remind him of the fleeting nature of life. The future is going to have a lot more Keanu Reeves in it especially after he is elected President of the United States on the MEME ticket.

I HATE VOLLEYBALL (2014) by Steve Roggenbuck

                Steve Roggenbuck does not advise people to go on dates he suggests they eat dates. What a twisted mother that Steve Roggenbuck. Turns out dates are a food that is delicious and nutritious. If you are eating dates you are doing great (s). Aw yeah the dates lifestyle is a good one. Unlike pomegranates, who have stolen various vital organs of mine, dates are sweet tender food that enjoys being consumed for they live to die. Most foods typically enjoy being consumed by human beings, plants especially since plants are all about that procreation. How that works typically is a plant gets eaten, consumed, defecated and then has its seed grow up elsewhere. Since the plant was worried about the quality of schools nearby this helps the plant out a whole bunch. 

                 Out of seemingly somewhere Steve Roggenbuck warns the viewer about seeing him on his nice side. This is true. When Steve Roggenbuck gets nice it is extraordinary. One time whilst Steve Roggenbuck and I were driving across the fine Russian countryside he noticed a family of ducks in trouble. Steve Roggenbuck begged of me to pull the car over. I told him we’d be late for the reading in Smolensk. Steve Roggenbuck said “Damn Smolensk sloth, there’s baby ducks in trouble!” Together Steve Roggenbuck and I saved over 800 members of that duck family. That was back in 2012 when Alt Lit went international. To this day we each receive a crappy e-card from that duck family. One of the ducks is currently attending SUNY Albany and is majoring in art history. 

                Art is Steve Roggenbuck’s life. He is always trying to improve his art. If Steve Roggenbuck could light his own piss on fire he would be the world’s greatest living artist. Determining how to light one’s piss on fire is not an easy decision. Once somebody lights their own piss on fire there is no turning back. They have to live with that piss-fire-lighting decision for their entire lives. Hopefully if Steve Roggenbuck goes down the piss-fire-lighting road his road will not be dark, but rather illuminated by the glow of his flaming piss. 

                The shout out to lawns feels appropriate after such soul-searching brought on by the need, no want, to set his piss on fire. Lawns of America are beautiful green things. Back in the olden day people did not have lawns but rather piles of dirt they’d sweep to the front of their house. On weekends home owners would compare the piles of dirt to determine who won. Losers of the dirt pile contest found their homes pelted with smelly farts. People would simply fart into their hands, grab that smell tight, and throw it. America in the 1950s was pretty dismal but fortunately the rest of the world was way worse so the competition was pretty low. 

                America needs to get ready for Steve Roggenbuck because he is ready for love and that means one thing: a virtual hug.




                Bath fans are true mysteries. A good hot shower is a great way to start any day. Unfortunately there are also bad hot showers, the kind of hot showers that turned to a life of crime. People talk about getting robbed by bad hot showers all the time. Turning a hot shower from bad to good requires a lot of patience from individuals willing to work through shower problems. Honestly showers should be a solace from the mad world that exists without any specific pressure settings. 

                Guy Fieri sets his shower setting to scalding. He is the embodiment of something. Whatever that something is depends on the viewer’s perspective. Interlibrary loan can successfully defeat Guy Fieri as he is a mere shell of a man devoid of substance besides random food he shovels into his mouth. Similarly Robin Thicke cannot defend himself against interlibrary loan either. Together these two individuals are the least well-read people on the planet who have achieved some modicum of success. Loud, abrasive, and somehow given money, the two are the two out of the three horsemen of the end of times. To date there has been no sighting of the third horseman of the apocalypse though the third horseman of the apocalypse is said to be more irritating than Guy Fieri and Robin Thicke put together. 

                From this dark beginning emerges the poet of Steve Roggenbuck ready to bring the light. Jackass influenced Steve Roggenbuck’s poetic style. This makes perfect sense as Jackass embodies the YOLO lifestyle. W-D40 is a rare product placement in Steve Roggenbuck’s video. Anybody with a chaffed whatever can simply apply W-D40 to the swelled area and experience instant gratifying relief. Life ought to be about gratification, though it does not need to be instant. Parents exist because they want to experience the gratification of seeing their children succeed. Steve Roggenbuck’s mother likes what her son does via the Tumblr world. Clearly Steve Roggenbuck’s mother is a mother that all mothers should aspire to, because Tumblr is full of heart not simply like. 

                Out of seemingly somewhere comes the hallmark of a Steve Roggenbuck video, a shout-out to dads and a smiling cartoon banana. No Steve Roggenbuck video is complete without a shout-out to Mr. Roggenbuck, Steve Roggenbuck’s cherished internet IRL dad. Yes Steve Roggenbuck’s dad uses pancakes as bread for sandwiches. That is simply the way Steve Roggenbuck’s dad rolls. There is no other way to roll. Rolling with Steve Roggenbuck’s dad is a true joy. 

                Vin Diesel, another true joy to the world, gives sage advice. Named after a famous fuel, Vin Diesel is a true rush to the head of adrenaline. Action packed movies with Vin Diesel are packed with more than simply action, they are packed with love. Vin Diesel is the embodiment of all good in the world. All hail Vin Diesel.




the world pushes me back onto me

[watch part 1 and part 2 from 2012]

                Your art is a reflection of yourself. Every time you create something you are making the world a richer place. Audiences exist for all forms of art. Due to various different aspects of art not all art is created equally. Of course you already knew this important artsy aspect. What you might not know is what is known as artistic freedom. Because of the choices you make in putting your art out there you can be as true or as untrue as you could possibly want. Varying degrees of success might tempt you to change a few of your personal beliefs, making the art easier to understand. Not all people choose this method. Plenty of successful artists never changed their work; they simply had a vision, stuck with it, and waited for it to pay off no matter how long it took. Getting to that spot is pretty dang sweet but it may not be for you. For one you may decide to compromise on your art to help push it towards larger audiences. 

                Honesty refers to being true to oneself, not just others. If you choose to change your art to help it become popular the effort might be worth it in terms of visibility. Beyond that though is a slippery slope, one you might slip upon. If you create art that changes people’s lives but is stuff you do not fully believe in then you will have a harder time trying to justify doing it. This is a tricky thing indeed. Lots of artists have done this in the past, are doing it now, and probably will do it in the future. That’s okay. Gaining sustainability financially is an important part of doing art. Most usually have it as a ‘side project’ or ‘side gig’ to help them through maybe more mundane daily lives. You can pick either side. 

                Being true to oneself means you create the art you want to see in the world, not necessarily what the world wants to see. Lots of people create art for themselves and a tiny audience; you probably already know this important fact. What the Beach Sloth project does is basically create art that Beach Sloth wants to see in the world, and promote it to the rest of the world. A handful of people support Beach Sloth and occasionally throw Beach Sloth a metaphorical bone. Through Beach Sloth there has been a small but noticeable progression to getting marginally closer to self-sustainability, a self-sustainability that will probably be realized in a couple of decades. Until that time, that glorious moment of discovery, it is best to create art that you can be proud of, simply believing in the work and knowing that you can justify it to yourself. That is beautiful art indeed: the art for the artist. Everyone else comes later.


                Steve Roggenbuck knows there is an urgent desire for people to get down. What most people do not realize is when they get down to the hottest jams of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and then the 80s again because of that nostalgia thing; they secretly want to go to hell. That is fine. Lots of people long to go to hell. Hell is a place on Earth. It is what people make of it. Every morning plenty of people wake up and find themselves in their own personal hell. 

                A Jeep Liberty is a great way to get to hell. Great gas mileage, stylish, and affordable the Jeep Liberty has it all. Transportation rules! It can be that simple. People think they need to do something particularly vile in order to find themselves getting to hell. Life is simpler than that. Besides the Jeep Liberty gets great mileage on the highway which is important for anybody contemplating getting their asses down to hell. Satan really wants more companionship down there in the molten magma core of the Earth. 

                Graveyards are the portals to the undead. Steve Roggenbuck chills in a graveyard because he is very into the YOLO lifestyle. It would be curious to determine whether or not anybody in a graveyard now dead once lived a YOLO life. Did they get to do absolutely everything they wanted to in life? Few ever know exactly what their lives could have been had they simply observed the chaotic world. That is part of the fun of life: to do it wrong and everything still ends up okay. 

                Creationism takes over science. Bill Nye (known as Billy Nye to his friends) hates creationism because it cancelled his award-winning program. Now Bill Nye goes on TV hating on creationism. It took away his lucrative career as being a science guy. Poor Bill Nye lives a tough life as a talking head hoping to get that important phone call while he is busy doing his day job managing a small KFC right outside Boston. Sometimes when Bill Nye works as a store manager for that KFC he wonders where his life went as he bites down into a delicious KFC biscuit or whatever food substitute they sell at KFC.

                Finally Steve Roggenbuck discusses the pharmaceutical industry and what it does to America’s youth. Those poor youth are neglected for their parents want to get into hell just like everybody else does.

Steve Roggenbuck is creating videos

                You might be aware that Steve Roggenbuck creates videos. Has he changed millions of people’s lives? Is the sky blue? What a foolish question. The power of Steve Roggenbuck’s videos is perfectly they embody his message. Countless individuals have discovered more about themselves than they might have ever known through his classic videos. Life with Steve Roggenbuck’s videos is indeed a good one. A recent development has happened, one that is going to change the game forever. 

                Patreon is a site that helps people fund those things they really care about. Hence it serves as a way for people to truly pursue their art and get money for it. This money can be used to make the artist a bit more comfortable. It seems to be a relatively straightforward thing. By letting individuals choose to contribute whatever money they choose (it can be as little or as much as they want) the artist gets a little bit of a stipend to live off of, because an artist really should not have the word “starving” in front. Rather the work should be able to get a little bit of recognition. 

                What is nice about the site is that people can continue to get the same culture fix they had before. Steve Roggenbuck’s video will continue to be completely free for all to enjoy. For those who want to contribute money to make his life a little easier, well for each video he puts out there is a recommended amount per video. Steve Roggenbuck is highly Satanic hence the goal of $666 per video. If he accomplishes this he’ll probably be doing pretty damned good. Of course he will literally be damned via the mark of the beast lifestyle. 

                Steve Roggenbuck lives incredibly frugally. Currently he has been working on a lot of different projects to try and expand people’s interest in what is going on via the online culture. Boost House is the physical embodiment of what Steve Roggenbuck had been working on for so many years while he was traveling via the backpack style. I know Steve Roggenbuck not just as an artist but also as a friend. A friend who has watched me sleep and live-tweeted me sleeping, a friend who has crashed at my place multiple times. I vouch for Steve Roggenbuck and say considering the good his videos have done, and considering their exposure, it is high time you or somebody like you helps him out in a little way. Or a big way, a big way works too.