Today is Stephen Michael McDowell’s Birthday

                For those unaware Stephen Michael McDowell turns the big 26 today. With great years comes great responsibility. Stephen Michael McDowell has greatness in spades but this isn’t sort lame card game this is reality. The life lifestyle is one Stephen Michael McDowell lives with the greatest of ease. His break out into the Alt Lit scene began with a feature length film which immediately attracted media attention particularly from the then upstart BlogSpot run by the anonymous Beach Sloth. Ever since Stephen Michael McDowell’s “big break” on Beach Sloth he has continued to do bigger, better and more blog-worthy things. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell has been featured on the reputable web blog Beach Sloth over one hundred times. Other blogs have featured Stephen Michael McDowell’s exquisite work but they have nothing to do with Beach Sloth so they don’t count. Beach Sloth is literally the pinnacle of Alt Lit success superseding everything else in the literary universe. Honestly Beach Sloth is the Sun in the Alt Lit universe and thanks to Beach Sloth Stephen Michael McDowell has become a star. 

                Everything Stephen Michael McDowell does is pure gold. Had Californians discovered Stephen Michael in the 1850s instead of nothing they could have struck it rich! Poor Californians of the 1850s might have become rich in spirit which is basically the same thing as being rich in literal money. Besides his ever-impressive writing Stephen Michael McDowell runs the New Hive scene. Beach Sloth is on the New Hive scene but honestly Stephen Michael McDowell rents out a stall to Beach Sloth to use on weekends. Beach Sloth is infinitely grateful for everything Stephen Michael McDowell has done for him. 

                Beach Sloth and Stephen Michael McDowell are the best of friends through thick and thin and whatever other density they encounter.  Owning the Alt Lit game and renting it out to others is how Stephen Michael McDowell makes his money, tens of dollars a month. What is next for Stephen Michael McDowell? The world is Stephen Michael McDowell’s oyster and fortunately for him he is not allergic. Currently Stephen Michael McDowell has a lot of things in the works including cool visual work that is guaranteed to rock. Additionally Stephen Michael McDowell is going to be working with Boost House in the near future for classes for online students. Maybe Beach Sloth might be working at that school, who knows? 

                For now though only one thing remains certain: that Stephen Michael McDowell needs Happy Birthday wishes. So anybody who can possibly wish him a Happy Birthday really should.

Today is Stephen Michael McDowell’s Birthday

                For those unaware Stephen Michael McDowell turns the big 26 today. With great years comes great responsibility. Stephen Michael McDowell has greatness in spades but this isn’t sort lame card game this is reality. The life lifestyle is one Stephen Michael McDowell lives with the greatest of ease. His break out into the Alt Lit scene began with a feature length film which immediately attracted media attention particularly from the then upstart BlogSpot run by the anonymous Beach Sloth. Ever since Stephen Michael McDowell’s “big break” on Beach Sloth he has continued to do bigger, better and more blog-worthy things. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell has been featured on the reputable web blog Beach Sloth over one hundred times. Other blogs have featured Stephen Michael McDowell’s exquisite work but they have nothing to do with Beach Sloth so they don’t count. Beach Sloth is literally the pinnacle of Alt Lit success superseding everything else in the literary universe. Honestly Beach Sloth is the Sun in the Alt Lit universe and thanks to Beach Sloth Stephen Michael McDowell has become a star. 

                Everything Stephen Michael McDowell does is pure gold. Had Californians discovered Stephen Michael in the 1850s instead of nothing they could have struck it rich! Poor Californians of the 1850s might have become rich in spirit which is basically the same thing as being rich in literal money. Besides his ever-impressive writing Stephen Michael McDowell runs the New Hive scene. Beach Sloth is on the New Hive scene but honestly Stephen Michael McDowell rents out a stall to Beach Sloth to use on weekends. Beach Sloth is infinitely grateful for everything Stephen Michael McDowell has done for him. 

                Beach Sloth and Stephen Michael McDowell are the best of friends through thick and thin and whatever other density they encounter.  Owning the Alt Lit game and renting it out to others is how Stephen Michael McDowell makes his money, tens of dollars a month. What is next for Stephen Michael McDowell? The world is Stephen Michael McDowell’s oyster and fortunately for him he is not allergic. Currently Stephen Michael McDowell has a lot of things in the works including cool visual work that is guaranteed to rock. Additionally Stephen Michael McDowell is going to be working with Boost House in the near future for classes for online students. Maybe Beach Sloth might be working at that school, who knows? 

                For now though only one thing remains certain: that Stephen Michael McDowell needs Happy Birthday wishes. So anybody who can possibly wish him a Happy Birthday really should.

Oddity by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Initially the world comes out looking pretty badly for a while. That is the impression a child gets when they get out of childhood. Parents do an excellent job getting the filters right. Objects are colorful, buildings tall, and there is a small infinitely unaware of the world around them. Upon realization of the world there is the backlash. Everything turns ugly, coyote-ugly. For a while it hurts knowing that the beautiful world of childhood was a lie. A few people experience the world like this for literal years as they see civilization extended this way backwards and forwards in time. Negative thoughts begin to cloud judgment as the sun stays in and the sky turns gray. 

                The world does not have to be a terrible place. Yes there are awful things in the world plenty of which will never be resolved. Life is mostly unresolved. Unlike fiction where an individual knows the cutoff point and the character cast is limited there is infinite possibilities. By viewing the world in a negative light these possibilities take on darker tones. Indeed this is true. At any moment a great deal of horrible things can happen to anyone. What is remarkable about life is how rarely this happens. People remember the tragedies yet even amongst the most tragedy-filled individuals most of their lives are not tragic things. They are tender things that generally are at the very least okay. 

                Realizing the world is not a cold dark place takes time. Not everybody gets there. Positivity is an incredibly hard outlook to have when the news bombards individuals with horrible stories. This news need not be broadcast from a device. It could be something as simple as overhearing a conversation about somebody else. Such overheard sadness can dig into the soul and hurt. Life is full of hurt and the purpose of all the suffering is to appreciate when things go well. That is called hope and it has led to many people finding a salvation of sorts. 

                Life is never resolved. It is un-ending until it randomly is done with the person and the person is tossed aside to become a corpse or whatever dead people do. Perhaps the frustrating thing about life is the uncertainty. Yet when the uncertainty is seen as a positive thing as unlimited potential it can light up a life. Enlightenment happens only after very many years and some only see the light after they are dead. 

Oddity by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Initially the world comes out looking pretty badly for a while. That is the impression a child gets when they get out of childhood. Parents do an excellent job getting the filters right. Objects are colorful, buildings tall, and there is a small infinitely unaware of the world around them. Upon realization of the world there is the backlash. Everything turns ugly, coyote-ugly. For a while it hurts knowing that the beautiful world of childhood was a lie. A few people experience the world like this for literal years as they see civilization extended this way backwards and forwards in time. Negative thoughts begin to cloud judgment as the sun stays in and the sky turns gray. 

                The world does not have to be a terrible place. Yes there are awful things in the world plenty of which will never be resolved. Life is mostly unresolved. Unlike fiction where an individual knows the cutoff point and the character cast is limited there is infinite possibilities. By viewing the world in a negative light these possibilities take on darker tones. Indeed this is true. At any moment a great deal of horrible things can happen to anyone. What is remarkable about life is how rarely this happens. People remember the tragedies yet even amongst the most tragedy-filled individuals most of their lives are not tragic things. They are tender things that generally are at the very least okay. 

                Realizing the world is not a cold dark place takes time. Not everybody gets there. Positivity is an incredibly hard outlook to have when the news bombards individuals with horrible stories. This news need not be broadcast from a device. It could be something as simple as overhearing a conversation about somebody else. Such overheard sadness can dig into the soul and hurt. Life is full of hurt and the purpose of all the suffering is to appreciate when things go well. That is called hope and it has led to many people finding a salvation of sorts. 

                Life is never resolved. It is un-ending until it randomly is done with the person and the person is tossed aside to become a corpse or whatever dead people do. Perhaps the frustrating thing about life is the uncertainty. Yet when the uncertainty is seen as a positive thing as unlimited potential it can light up a life. Enlightenment happens only after very many years and some only see the light after they are dead. 

Sunset by Stephen Michael McDowell


                Nobody watches the sunset online…until now! Thanks to the power of Stephen Michael McDowell one can see the sunset without any exposure to sunlight whatsoever. Of course the story of how Stephen Michael McDowell created an online sunset is an intriguing one. For the sun never sets on the Internet Empire! 

                Back in 1979 the Internet was a mere infant, an embryonic thing used by the military-industrial complex. Eisenhower warned against the military-industrial complex but then Eisenhower was the first one to have an AOL Instant Messenger screen name. Rare knowledge: Eisenhower’s AOL Instant Messenger screen name was “MUFFBUNNY69” because Eisenhower enjoyed muff, bunnies, and the number 69. To Eisenhower it was all good. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell traveled into the past in order to ensure that his online presence could begin before he was even born. In the future such things are pretty typical. I know that Stephen Michael McDowell traveled into the past because I traveled into the future to watch him do it. Additionally when I traveled into the future I also made sure to bring a lot of Charleston Chews which I sold on the candy black market. This illicit candy trade brought me over $500,000 which I used to pay for a nice 4 four bedroom Colonial in Westchester. 

                The military was not aware of Stephen Michael McDowell’s online presence back in the 70s. Back then the military was still working out the kinks of how to like status updates and how to create MEMEs. For the military even back then understood that if they created enough MEMEs they could defeat communism. Unlike the capitalistic West, the communist block did not even get close to Internet power, opting instead to fight proxy wars. Honestly it was a complete mistake. Had communists allowed their scientists to work on GIF technology instead of tanks the world would be a lot different. 

                Fortunately they never got the hang of the Internet. Stephen Michael McDowell’s ensured the Internet’s success by placing a #rare early piece of net art into the data banks of the Pentagon. Entitled “Sunset” it made high-ranking military officials feel all warm and gooey inside, the kind of warm and gooey that allowed them to successfully defeat communism and bring about the fall of the USSR.

                When a person thinks of freedom they should think of Stephen Michael McDowell. It is thank to his tireless-ass efforts that the world is free, mostly.

Sunset by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Nobody watches the sunset online…until now! Thanks to the power of Stephen Michael McDowell one can see the sunset without any exposure to sunlight whatsoever. Of course the story of how Stephen Michael McDowell created an online sunset is an intriguing one. For the sun never sets on the Internet Empire! 

                Back in 1979 the Internet was a mere infant, an embryonic thing used by the military-industrial complex. Eisenhower warned against the military-industrial complex but then Eisenhower was the first one to have an AOL Instant Messenger screen name. Rare knowledge: Eisenhower’s AOL Instant Messenger screen name was “MUFFBUNNY69” because Eisenhower enjoyed muff, bunnies, and the number 69. To Eisenhower it was all good. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell traveled into the past in order to ensure that his online presence could begin before he was even born. In the future such things are pretty typical. I know that Stephen Michael McDowell traveled into the past because I traveled into the future to watch him do it. Additionally when I traveled into the future I also made sure to bring a lot of Charleston Chews which I sold on the candy black market. This illicit candy trade brought me over $500,000 which I used to pay for a nice 4 four bedroom Colonial in Westchester. 

                The military was not aware of Stephen Michael McDowell’s online presence back in the 70s. Back then the military was still working out the kinks of how to like status updates and how to create MEMEs. For the military even back then understood that if they created enough MEMEs they could defeat communism. Unlike the capitalistic West, the communist block did not even get close to Internet power, opting instead to fight proxy wars. Honestly it was a complete mistake. Had communists allowed their scientists to work on GIF technology instead of tanks the world would be a lot different. 

                Fortunately they never got the hang of the Internet. Stephen Michael McDowell’s ensured the Internet’s success by placing a #rare early piece of net art into the data banks of the Pentagon. Entitled “Sunset” it made high-ranking military officials feel all warm and gooey inside, the kind of warm and gooey that allowed them to successfully defeat communism and bring about the fall of the USSR.

                When a person thinks of freedom they should think of Stephen Michael McDowell. It is thank to his tireless-ass efforts that the world is free, mostly.

New Hive 2 by Stephen Michael McDowell

                A young bee worked tirelessly on his GIFs. Other bees made fun of the young bee for the young bee did not do other young bee things like collect pollen and dance. Instead the young bee spent hours at a time working on making the perfect Tumblr. The young bee had dreams of one day receiving thousands upon thousands of re-blogs from one of its ever-intricate Tumblr posts. From that viral post the young bee knew it would earn tens of dollars, dollars it could use to buy itself a smart phone. With a smart phone the young bee knew the viral opportunities were endless. Instead of having to rely on a clunky old Apple computer that it got after a random person got stung hundreds of times, it could have a hip smartphone that would make all the other bees jealous. 

                Years passed by and the young bee became an old bee. The old bee continually worked on creating perfect GIFs for the Internet to enjoy. Bright, brilliant colors the old bee’s work was beautiful. Unfortunately the old bee was unable to go viral the way it wanted. Fortunately the old bee knew that it would not be doomed in its endeavors. While it toiled day and night to create the perfect GIF it taught a computer course teaching other bees how to use Excel. Most of the other bees did not understand how to use Excel very well, and only a handful were able to master Pivot Tables. One of those students exceeded the old bee’s expectations. A special bee mastered macros and from this work the old bee knew that the special bee would be its protégé. 

                The special bee created the perfect GIF. When the old bee saw it the old bee knew what it had to do. Realizing that the time on the Earth was nearly over for the old bee, the old bee explained to special bee all the cool things that could be done on the new iPhone. Overjoyed the special bee wanted to master more than Tumblr, but Instagram, Snapchat, and other assorted social media exclusive. Upon realizing what the old bee was going to do, the special bee tried to talk the old bee out of it. But the old bee would have none of it. 

                Happy at having found a bee that truly understood him, the old bee flew with the special bee on by his side. Upon seeing a young stupid person with shorts that hung off them, the old bee knew what to do. The old bee stung the young stupid person right on their ass. The young person dropped their iPhone onto the ground in order to rub their ass. The special bee picked up the iPhone happy to create multiple fake profiles on social media sites. While the special bee picked up the iPhone and flew off with it the young stupid person said:

                “Like how the fuck can bees pick up an entire iPhone? That is really stupid.” 

                Now the special bee is in charge of New Hive, a new site made for and by bees.

What by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Whilst I was sleeping at my Grandmother’s cottage in rural wherever old people go to die, I heard a knock at the door. Upon opening it I saw none other than a young succulent Stephen Michael McDowell at the door. He looked quite befuddled as I let him in and gave him homemade Arizona Iced Tea. 

                “The woods, they have no Internet” Stephen Michael McDowell said to me as he sipped his Arizona Iced Tea from a mug that said ‘Teamwork’ and had some fighter jets flying on it. 

                “I know, my dearest friend Stephen. I hope you can say the night at my Grandmother’s cottage. The Wi-Fi network is ‘Beefcake’ and the password is ‘el33tsquad07’ no spaces.” 

                “Thank you kindly my sloth friend. I beg of you, please sleep and dream of Tumblr re-blogs.” 

                I put on the world-famous minimalist techno duo SND to get to sleep. As my eyes closed I noticed Stephen Michael McDowell taking copious notes in his notebook while observing the finely wallpapered wall of my Grandmother’s cottage. 

                The morning came without ceremony. My Grandmother woke me up to inform me that I needed to go to the store to buy more pretzel rods and get shiny pennies. She used both as currency to trick stupid young children to tend to her yard. Going to the kitchen table to get the car keys for my rocking 1991 Toyota Camry I saw a note from Stephen Michael McDowell. It read:

                “Dearest sloth leaving you in before you woke cleaved my bosom in twain, yet I had to do it. Your generosity in providing me with a steady reliable Internet connection shall not be forgotten. Indeed I plan on dedicating a New Hive post to you. Currently I am working on one based upon the loveliness of your Grandmother’s wallpaper. It is quite fetching, as I imagine your Grandmother was back in the day. Unfortunately I am not interested in your Grandmother in any romantic sense, so tell her I am in a relationship even though I am not. I do not want to break your Grandmother’s heart but know I am going to dedicate the New Hive post to her. It will be entitled (What). I hope she adores it.

                Yours Truly

                Stephen Michael McDowell.”

                After reading something of such exquisite beauty, I shed a single tear. I then shed another tear for Franz Ferdinand and how they used to be a good band before they got all irrelevant. I walked outside and decided that it was going to be the day to earn those pretzel rods.

Libroscisorium by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Stephen Michael McDowell’s style is so fresh they better start selling it at Whole Foods for sixteen dollars. At this point Stephen Michael McDowell Internet presence has become so hardcore that the only way it could become more hardcore is if it was literally bronzed like baby shoes. Obviously that last statement will probably be Stephen Michael McDowell’s next New Hive contribution. Everything Stephen Michael McDowell does just simply screams Internet. For this particular outing he does not scream Internet as he does dance to it. Reminiscent of Strong Bad’s hit single “The System is Down” Stephen Michael McDowell gets down to his own jams. 

                The piece begins subtly. Just kidding it doesn’t. Right from the beginning Stephen Michael McDowell follows the sage advice of a young Justin Timberlake and opts to “Rock His Body”. Gyrations made by Stephen Michael McDowell are the things dreams are made of, probably. By rocking out Stephen Michael McDowell proves exactly what sort of person he is: a rocking one. Much of the rocking occurs within the confines of either his home or another person’s dwelling area. Seeing his head move graciously is a beautiful thing. A lot of the time Stephen Michael McDowell chooses to write, which is great and all but not nearly as spiritually fulfilling as watching him dance. And dance he does. Stephen Michael McDowell marches to the beat of a different drummer and it is fortunate that the different drummer is also himself. That makes things much easier for him. 

                In the final heart-breaking frame Stephen Michael McDowell is outside of a nondescript apartment building. The final frame is heart-breaking for some reason. Outdoors is generally a terrifying place for anybody who spends a vast majority of time indoors. Yet Stephen Michael McDowell skillfully cranes his neck suggesting that he can move to and from a camera with the greatest of ease. Whatever is behind him is behind him, he is past it, ready to take things to the next level. As he appears to be at or around sea level he is going to have to work harder to bring things to the next level. This makes a great amount of sense for Stephen Michael McDowell is precisely the kind of fellow to bring the A+ game for Stephen Michael McDowell schools all other Internet artists. 

                What will Stephen Michael McDowell do next on New Hive, perhaps the most happening site since some of those other sites that are also popular? It is hard to tell. Plenty of individuals, Beach Sloths if you will (and believe me, you WILL), have speculated that Stephen Michael McDowell has brought so much of his A game that he is about to bring it to the A+ game in an old school style.

SELECTIONS   FROM   STEPHEN   MICHAEL   MCDOWELL’S FACEBOOK

                Social media privilege is calculated via KLOUT scores. In exchange for people using social media to an unhealthy degree they get free stuff from KLOUT like business cards advertising their social media addiction or free cat food, sometimes both simultaneously. Internet services love messing with their high usage users. Freedom on the Internet means that freedom has to be given up somewhere else usually in reality. Life in Snapchat is one of the places where that freedom runs rampant with the images fleeting as a vague approximation of reality. 

                Fear lives on and offline. Fear is flexible. Before and after work fear has an intense work out regiment that it strictly adheres to because fear knows how powerful it can be over other people. Dogs bark because they try to keep the fear away. Hence dogs were grandfathered into becoming man’s best friend. Cats wanted to keep fear away too but they spent too much time sleeping on the job. Additionally the enthusiasm levels that dogs had could not be matched by the cats. Cats have better things to do than remaining conscious. Sleep is underrated anyway. 

                People choose to stay awake for reasons that are unclear. Sometimes a person accumulates so many PDFs that they are unable to go to sleep until they read them all. Unfortunately this happens to a great number of people. Entertainment is the kind of thing people enjoy downloading and storing on their computers. With such a great deluge of material it becomes hard to ever process rather culture becomes the kind of “gotta catch them all” scenario akin to Pokémon only with a bit less song and dance. 

                 The joys of physical activity cannot be overstated and understated. They simply are. People get depressed about their lives all the time it is called living. If someone has never experienced disappointment that someone hasn’t tried hard enough. Lots of anxiety happens from this constant consistent disappointment. Individuals sit across from each other on various forms of transportation wondering what might have been. Usually they continue wondering hoping to avoid ruining their happy fantasies. 

                Nobody lives in a fantasy world. They try to and fail. Life is meant for more than simple dreams. Actual events are what define lives. Spiritual journeys take forever hence why Mega Bus is only a dollar because they know there will be additional costs incurred on the journey. There always are.

SELECTIONS   FROM   STEPHEN   MICHAEL   MCDOWELL’S FACEBOOK

                Social media privilege is calculated via KLOUT scores. In exchange for people using social media to an unhealthy degree they get free stuff from KLOUT like business cards advertising their social media addiction or free cat food, sometimes both simultaneously. Internet services love messing with their high usage users. Freedom on the Internet means that freedom has to be given up somewhere else usually in reality. Life in Snapchat is one of the places where that freedom runs rampant with the images fleeting as a vague approximation of reality. 

                Fear lives on and offline. Fear is flexible. Before and after work fear has an intense work out regiment that it strictly adheres to because fear knows how powerful it can be over other people. Dogs bark because they try to keep the fear away. Hence dogs were grandfathered into becoming man’s best friend. Cats wanted to keep fear away too but they spent too much time sleeping on the job. Additionally the enthusiasm levels that dogs had could not be matched by the cats. Cats have better things to do than remaining conscious. Sleep is underrated anyway. 

                People choose to stay awake for reasons that are unclear. Sometimes a person accumulates so many PDFs that they are unable to go to sleep until they read them all. Unfortunately this happens to a great number of people. Entertainment is the kind of thing people enjoy downloading and storing on their computers. With such a great deluge of material it becomes hard to ever process rather culture becomes the kind of “gotta catch them all” scenario akin to Pokémon only with a bit less song and dance. 

                 The joys of physical activity cannot be overstated and understated. They simply are. People get depressed about their lives all the time it is called living. If someone has never experienced disappointment that someone hasn’t tried hard enough. Lots of anxiety happens from this constant consistent disappointment. Individuals sit across from each other on various forms of transportation wondering what might have been. Usually they continue wondering hoping to avoid ruining their happy fantasies. 

                Nobody lives in a fantasy world. They try to and fail. Life is meant for more than simple dreams. Actual events are what define lives. Spiritual journeys take forever hence why Mega Bus is only a dollar because they know there will be additional costs incurred on the journey. There always are.

Pop Serial 5

               Pop Serial 5 has taken a while to arrive to digital shores. The World Wide Web is a hard thing to surf now that it has become so gigantic. Serious-ass effort went into making Pop Serial 5. Stephen Tully Dierks one of the hardest twerking members of Alt Lit, spent a great deal of time putting together some of his favorite writers to make the entire thing rather ‘legit’. But what Pop Serial 5 does is what no Pop Serial did before. For one Pop Serial ended up co-branding with a cereal and with Rice Krispies treats. Previously Pop Serial stuck with Rice Krispies never going as far as the actual treat. Yeah things certainly have changed for the stranger. 

                2014 has been a crazy year for Stephen Tully Dierks as he has continued to live the Vida Loca right down in the boogie-down Bushwick. His previous residential location in Chicago seems to have been relatively good. Bushwick is better however via the Brooklyn lifestyle. Plenty of art kids live in Bushwick, even some non-art kids, just kids hoping the art rubs off on them and makes them cool. This phenomenon explains how all those stock brokers moved into gleaming glass towers in Williamsburg just to call themselves hipsters. 

                But this is not a blog post about gentrification this is a blog post about Pop Serial 5, the fifth Pop Serial to enter homes across the great US of A. Stephen Tully Dierks is selling physical copies of them via the Internet, because honestly, if it isn’t online then it isn’t Alt Lit. Alt Lit lives online. Whatever literature lives offline is probably pretty tame, or is waiting to be translated into online format. Every purchase of a physical edition of Pop Serial does not help Stephen Tully Dierks at all since his profit margin is zero (printed on demand). 

                Stephen Michael McDowell (Alt Lit loves people named Stephen with three names) is going to create the online version of Pop Serial 5 though you can technically read it via the Magic Cloud thing. When that happens there will be the kind of Beach Sloth Blog Post never seen before, besides those other times. Beach Sloth is a big fan of Pop Serial in all its forms whether it is some re-blogging Tumblr or that critically acclaimed edition. Honestly a lot of people never expected to see the new Pop Serial 5 make it to their illuminated glowing computer screens. Thankfully this is happening, via the LCD Soundsystem and its final, third farewell album. Pop Serial 5 is simply the beginning of a whole new era, of one where Alt Lit gets mocked in better and better publications, from Vice Magazine to the New York Times.

Tigers by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Tigers are majestic creatures. With an entire magazine dedicated to tiger music (Tiger Beat) tigers have it all figured out. From their palaces deep in the jungle the tigers watch the entire ecosystem. Happy with how they look a lot of tigers have managed to accomplish quite a bit. One famous Tiger advertises Frosted Flakes, a cereal popular with children and lonely adults. Yet another tiger is well-known for having made a career in Las Vegas with local idiots Siegfried and Roy.  Every tiger knows the many different tiger stories mythologies created for tiger amusement. 

                Writers enjoy exploring the worlds of tigers. A startlingly beautiful display of colors tigers tend to thrive wherever they go. Life as a tiger is an easy one indeed. Nobody messes with a tiger. The writers of the world search out the tiger impressed by the tiger’s ability to get things done. Most of the things a tiger gets done are relatively terrifying. Other animals are afraid of the tiger and for good reason. One of those reasons is the tiger is a vicious animal that tears other animals apart. Yes that is an obvious reason and the reason is what most writers focus on since writers are also animals trying to survive. Beyond that there is a surface level. Tigers are beautiful. 

                Every time a tiger goes down a path all the other animals say “Whoa” before the tiger tears them to shreds. The tiger looks too good for the world. Many (citation needed) have stated that tigers may come from another galaxy where things naturally look that fly. Heck if a person was born and even remotely looked like a tiger that would be a very attractive person. Humanity’s standards of beauty are warped when there are people who believe Kevin Bacon looks attractive. Really nobody should think Kevin Bacon is attractive. Sure Kevin Bacon is a nice guy, looks pretty decent, but compared to a tiger Kevin Bacon is nothing. Kevin Bacon might as well be actual bacon for a tiger. 

                Life as a tiger is an easy one. Reincarnation allows people to become tigers after they are done living in the retirement homes of the world. Sure people might want to be reincarnated into other creatures, perhaps given another go at being a human, but tigers have it the best. For a tiger the world is perfect the ruler of all.        

shovel a can of diced pineapples into my dick by Stephen Michael McDowell

                Stephen Michael McDowell is introduced to the last night of his life. Fortunately he slept beforehand. That way he can be well rested for the adrenaline rush of death. A celebration of life is in order so Stephen Michael McDowell does it well by hanging out in the parking lot behind non-descript buildings. Out of seemingly somewhere Stephen Michael McDowell implores the viewer to shove pineapple up his urethra. Yes a pineapple belongs in a urethra. That’s basic human nature. With such a request it is unsurprisingly that recommended videos include multiple pineapple videos and a David Bowie video. David Bowie is very into having various plants and exotic spices shoved up his urethra. Glam rock is all about the urethra and 70s nostalgia. 

                Besides focusing on his urethra Stephen Michael McDowell makes a breakthrough. He makes peace with the trees. For those unaware Stephen Michael McDowell does not care for trees. Unable or unwilling to see things from the tree’s point of view Stephen Michael McDowell often sits in judgment of trees. Trees cannot do the same due to the fact that trees stand. Stephen Michael McDowell is lucky enough to choose to sit or stand. Either one is possible for him given his extreme flexibility. More amazingly Stephen Michael McDowell vlogs whereas the average plant only blogs (thanks to extremely necessary plant blogging technology developed in by the loneliest scientist ever). 

                Doctors feel Stephen Michael McDowell’s ball sack. Yes Stephen Michael McDowell gets vulnerable with the viewer via talking about his balls. His doctor seems interested in him as a source of revenue. Fortunately Stephen Michael McDowell knows he is more than paper he is a tree and he is still growing. Even when life hands Stephen Michael McDowell lemons he makes some serious ass lemonade. He uses an iPhone as a set of sunglasses. That’s tragic but also beautiful. Despite the sun’s light he continues to look up to it. 

                It is raining air on Stephen Michael McDowell and many things on the planet. He is aware that he is surrounded by air and cannot defeat it. Rather than fight it Stephen Michael McDowell simply accepts the air for what it is, air. Feeling pumped up about life Stephen Michael McDowell makes a sacred vow to find the individual on Earth who holds it all in and never lets it hang out. One day Stephen Michael McDowell will get that individual to simply digest food properly and excrete it through the proper channel. When that day happens Stephen Michael McDowell will ascend into the Internet MEME DOM.