A young bee worked tirelessly on his GIFs. Other bees made fun of the young bee for the young bee did not do other young bee things like collect pollen and dance. Instead the young bee spent hours at a time working on making the perfect Tumblr. The young bee had dreams of one day receiving thousands upon thousands of re-blogs from one of its ever-intricate Tumblr posts. From that viral post the young bee knew it would earn tens of dollars, dollars it could use to buy itself a smart phone. With a smart phone the young bee knew the viral opportunities were endless. Instead of having to rely on a clunky old Apple computer that it got after a random person got stung hundreds of times, it could have a hip smartphone that would make all the other bees jealous.
Years passed by and the young bee became an old bee. The old bee continually worked on creating perfect GIFs for the Internet to enjoy. Bright, brilliant colors the old bee’s work was beautiful. Unfortunately the old bee was unable to go viral the way it wanted. Fortunately the old bee knew that it would not be doomed in its endeavors. While it toiled day and night to create the perfect GIF it taught a computer course teaching other bees how to use Excel. Most of the other bees did not understand how to use Excel very well, and only a handful were able to master Pivot Tables. One of those students exceeded the old bee’s expectations. A special bee mastered macros and from this work the old bee knew that the special bee would be its protégé.
The special bee created the perfect GIF. When the old bee saw it the old bee knew what it had to do. Realizing that the time on the Earth was nearly over for the old bee, the old bee explained to special bee all the cool things that could be done on the new iPhone. Overjoyed the special bee wanted to master more than Tumblr, but Instagram, Snapchat, and other assorted social media exclusive. Upon realizing what the old bee was going to do, the special bee tried to talk the old bee out of it. But the old bee would have none of it.
Happy at having found a bee that truly understood him, the old bee flew with the special bee on by his side. Upon seeing a young stupid person with shorts that hung off them, the old bee knew what to do. The old bee stung the young stupid person right on their ass. The young person dropped their iPhone onto the ground in order to rub their ass. The special bee picked up the iPhone happy to create multiple fake profiles on social media sites. While the special bee picked up the iPhone and flew off with it the young stupid person said:
“Like how the fuck can bees pick up an entire iPhone? That is really stupid.”
Now the special bee is in charge of New Hive, a new site made for and by bees.
Whilst I was sleeping at my Grandmother’s cottage in rural wherever old people go to die, I heard a knock at the door. Upon opening it I saw none other than a young succulent Stephen Michael McDowell at the door. He looked quite befuddled as I let him in and gave him homemade Arizona Iced Tea.
“The woods, they have no Internet” Stephen Michael McDowell said to me as he sipped his Arizona Iced Tea from a mug that said ‘Teamwork’ and had some fighter jets flying on it.
“I know, my dearest friend Stephen. I hope you can say the night at my Grandmother’s cottage. The Wi-Fi network is ‘Beefcake’ and the password is ‘el33tsquad07’ no spaces.”
“Thank you kindly my sloth friend. I beg of you, please sleep and dream of Tumblr re-blogs.”
I put on the world-famous minimalist techno duo SND to get to sleep. As my eyes closed I noticed Stephen Michael McDowell taking copious notes in his notebook while observing the finely wallpapered wall of my Grandmother’s cottage.
The morning came without ceremony. My Grandmother woke me up to inform me that I needed to go to the store to buy more pretzel rods and get shiny pennies. She used both as currency to trick stupid young children to tend to her yard. Going to the kitchen table to get the car keys for my rocking 1991 Toyota Camry I saw a note from Stephen Michael McDowell. It read:
“Dearest sloth leaving you in before you woke cleaved my bosom in twain, yet I had to do it. Your generosity in providing me with a steady reliable Internet connection shall not be forgotten. Indeed I plan on dedicating a New Hive post to you. Currently I am working on one based upon the loveliness of your Grandmother’s wallpaper. It is quite fetching, as I imagine your Grandmother was back in the day. Unfortunately I am not interested in your Grandmother in any romantic sense, so tell her I am in a relationship even though I am not. I do not want to break your Grandmother’s heart but know I am going to dedicate the New Hive post to her. It will be entitled (What). I hope she adores it.
Stephen Michael McDowell.”
After reading something of such exquisite beauty, I shed a single tear. I then shed another tear for Franz Ferdinand and how they used to be a good band before they got all irrelevant. I walked outside and decided that it was going to be the day to earn those pretzel rods.
Stephen Michael McDowell’s style is so fresh they better start selling it at Whole Foods for sixteen dollars. At this point Stephen Michael McDowell Internet presence has become so hardcore that the only way it could become more hardcore is if it was literally bronzed like baby shoes. Obviously that last statement will probably be Stephen Michael McDowell’s next New Hive contribution. Everything Stephen Michael McDowell does just simply screams Internet. For this particular outing he does not scream Internet as he does dance to it. Reminiscent of Strong Bad’s hit single “The System is Down” Stephen Michael McDowell gets down to his own jams.
The piece begins subtly. Just kidding it doesn’t. Right from the beginning Stephen Michael McDowell follows the sage advice of a young Justin Timberlake and opts to “Rock His Body”. Gyrations made by Stephen Michael McDowell are the things dreams are made of, probably. By rocking out Stephen Michael McDowell proves exactly what sort of person he is: a rocking one. Much of the rocking occurs within the confines of either his home or another person’s dwelling area. Seeing his head move graciously is a beautiful thing. A lot of the time Stephen Michael McDowell chooses to write, which is great and all but not nearly as spiritually fulfilling as watching him dance. And dance he does. Stephen Michael McDowell marches to the beat of a different drummer and it is fortunate that the different drummer is also himself. That makes things much easier for him.
In the final heart-breaking frame Stephen Michael McDowell is outside of a nondescript apartment building. The final frame is heart-breaking for some reason. Outdoors is generally a terrifying place for anybody who spends a vast majority of time indoors. Yet Stephen Michael McDowell skillfully cranes his neck suggesting that he can move to and from a camera with the greatest of ease. Whatever is behind him is behind him, he is past it, ready to take things to the next level. As he appears to be at or around sea level he is going to have to work harder to bring things to the next level. This makes a great amount of sense for Stephen Michael McDowell is precisely the kind of fellow to bring the A+ game for Stephen Michael McDowell schools all other Internet artists.
What will Stephen Michael McDowell do next on New Hive, perhaps the most happening site since some of those other sites that are also popular? It is hard to tell. Plenty of individuals, Beach Sloths if you will (and believe me, you WILL), have speculated that Stephen Michael McDowell has brought so much of his A game that he is about to bring it to the A+ game in an old school style.
Pop Serial 5 has taken a while to arrive to digital shores. The World Wide Web is a hard thing to surf now that it has become so gigantic. Serious-ass effort went into making Pop Serial 5. Stephen Tully Dierks one of the hardest twerking members of Alt Lit, spent a great deal of time putting together some of his favorite writers to make the entire thing rather ‘legit’. But what Pop Serial 5 does is what no Pop Serial did before. For one Pop Serial ended up co-branding with a cereal and with Rice Krispies treats. Previously Pop Serial stuck with Rice Krispies never going as far as the actual treat. Yeah things certainly have changed for the stranger.
2014 has been a crazy year for Stephen Tully Dierks as he has continued to live the Vida Loca right down in the boogie-down Bushwick. His previous residential location in Chicago seems to have been relatively good. Bushwick is better however via the Brooklyn lifestyle. Plenty of art kids live in Bushwick, even some non-art kids, just kids hoping the art rubs off on them and makes them cool. This phenomenon explains how all those stock brokers moved into gleaming glass towers in Williamsburg just to call themselves hipsters.
But this is not a blog post about gentrification this is a blog post about Pop Serial 5, the fifth Pop Serial to enter homes across the great US of A. Stephen Tully Dierks is selling physical copies of them via the Internet, because honestly, if it isn’t online then it isn’t Alt Lit. Alt Lit lives online. Whatever literature lives offline is probably pretty tame, or is waiting to be translated into online format. Every purchase of a physical edition of Pop Serial does not help Stephen Tully Dierks at all since his profit margin is zero (printed on demand).
Stephen Michael McDowell (Alt Lit loves people named Stephen with three names) is going to create the online version of Pop Serial 5 though you can technically read it via the Magic Cloud thing. When that happens there will be the kind of Beach Sloth Blog Post never seen before, besides those other times. Beach Sloth is a big fan of Pop Serial in all its forms whether it is some re-blogging Tumblr or that critically acclaimed edition. Honestly a lot of people never expected to see the new Pop Serial 5 make it to their illuminated glowing computer screens. Thankfully this is happening, via the LCD Soundsystem and its final, third farewell album. Pop Serial 5 is simply the beginning of a whole new era, of one where Alt Lit gets mocked in better and better publications, from Vice Magazine to the New York Times.
Tigers are majestic creatures. With an entire magazine dedicated to tiger music (Tiger Beat) tigers have it all figured out. From their palaces deep in the jungle the tigers watch the entire ecosystem. Happy with how they look a lot of tigers have managed to accomplish quite a bit. One famous Tiger advertises Frosted Flakes, a cereal popular with children and lonely adults. Yet another tiger is well-known for having made a career in Las Vegas with local idiots Siegfried and Roy. Every tiger knows the many different tiger stories mythologies created for tiger amusement.
Writers enjoy exploring the worlds of tigers. A startlingly beautiful display of colors tigers tend to thrive wherever they go. Life as a tiger is an easy one indeed. Nobody messes with a tiger. The writers of the world search out the tiger impressed by the tiger’s ability to get things done. Most of the things a tiger gets done are relatively terrifying. Other animals are afraid of the tiger and for good reason. One of those reasons is the tiger is a vicious animal that tears other animals apart. Yes that is an obvious reason and the reason is what most writers focus on since writers are also animals trying to survive. Beyond that there is a surface level. Tigers are beautiful.
Every time a tiger goes down a path all the other animals say “Whoa” before the tiger tears them to shreds. The tiger looks too good for the world. Many (citation needed) have stated that tigers may come from another galaxy where things naturally look that fly. Heck if a person was born and even remotely looked like a tiger that would be a very attractive person. Humanity’s standards of beauty are warped when there are people who believe Kevin Bacon looks attractive. Really nobody should think Kevin Bacon is attractive. Sure Kevin Bacon is a nice guy, looks pretty decent, but compared to a tiger Kevin Bacon is nothing. Kevin Bacon might as well be actual bacon for a tiger.
Life as a tiger is an easy one. Reincarnation allows people to become tigers after they are done living in the retirement homes of the world. Sure people might want to be reincarnated into other creatures, perhaps given another go at being a human, but tigers have it the best. For a tiger the world is perfect the ruler of all.