Beach Sloth

One through Nine by POSTITBREAKUP

                Who is Postitbreakup? I know him through Twitter. He is highly respectable in the alt lit game. Dennis Cooper (of alt lit king-maker fame) has let him guest blog on multiple occasions. Sadly he lacks a Facebook. However he makes up for this in terms of Twitter interactions. Indeed I am happy to receive non-spam direct messages on Twitter. When I saw that Postitbreakup had released nine poems/stories/pieces on his site, I figured ‘Why the heck not?’ Besides these nine pieces he has been published in many wonderful places. 

                One deals with OK Cupid. Yes OK Cupid is a harsh beast. It strips the soul away revealing a rotted inner core. Sometimes it works it depends on if you’re feeling lucky. Well are you feeling lucky punk? For a while Postitbreakup decides to try the ‘Craigslist’ life. Craigslist dates are terrible. Every time I tried a Craigslist date I felt a deep gnawing inner emptiness. The ending of the piece makes perfect sense. I blame OK Cupid. Had he ended up on ‘PlentyofFish’ the result would have been much worse, believe me. I know from experience. 

                The guy refuses to text Postitbreakup. Texts are the new smoke signals. See them across phone lines, across the sky, across the internet. I fail at texting. My phone is rotary. Texting costs too much to me. Instead I flirt using the power of Twitter. Twitter is my dating profile. 

                Doctors do well. For a while he wants to be a doctor. Wonder what the accident was. Seems the accident involves a lot of Frasier. I assume this to mean Kelsey Grammer bludgeoned poor Postitbreakup with a recliner. Bet Frasier was jealous of his Twitter game. Most of what Frasier tweets are famous quotes from his stupid radio show. Nobody listens to radio anymore. Frasier does not understand how hash tags work. 

                Postitbreakup is a rare breed. He is the DJ of his car radio. Wish I had a car sometimes as I move along the road at a sloth-like pace. People pick me up and bring me to the other side. As a result I got that ‘Why did the chicken cross the road’ joke before anybody else. I am jealous of his ability to sing. I do not trust my voice. All those times my voice failed me right when I needed it most, at 2am in a seedy Karaoke bar. God damn my voice. This is why I type. 

                Gary drives late at night due to a Craigslist ad. At 4:32 am on a Tuesday I am snug in my bed. No beauty rouses me from my sleep. Craigslist has nothing on my dreams. Honestly Craigslist is the stuff of nightmares. Night sweats come up every time I even think of a Craigslist date. To this day I am traumatized by a Myspace date consisting of glove shopping at Hot Topic. 

                The pieces end with a show. Now I know Postitbreakup hates promoting his blog so let me do it. Go there. See his work. Imagine this collection as the tip of the iceberg, of the beginning of an unimaginable greatness. Think Postitbreakup is 2012’s sleeper hit. Get watching, get reading and get ready.