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INTRODUCTION TO METAL SUBGENRES

how to tell between diferent subgenres of metal..

INTRODUCTION TO METAL SUBGENRES (OMG.. MY LIEF WAS RUINED BY THIS VIDEO) by Steve Roggenbuck

                Steve Roggenbuck is metal. That’s why he is into Satan. Metal promotes Satan in its music. When you go to hell they put on metal music as you burn in pits of sulfur. You might end up there so might as well get caught up on the music. Notice Steve used to be in some metal bands. I’m talking hardcore metalcore – death metal, the deadliest metal of them all. If your kids listen to death metal be afraid. They are in the power of Satan now. Or they could be angels sent to destroy the power of Satan through metal, a pure harsh metal. Either way let them check out Necropolis, Steve Roggenbuck’s old Myspace metal band. Ah, the good old days of yore, before Steve was a travelling poet. Back then he banged on the drum all day. Necropolis is the city of the dead, alive and full of energy. The dead know how to get down. 

                We first see Steve place his head in a microwave. Clearly Steve is going mad. I wonder how long Steve microwaved his head. I think it was probably under 3 minutes. Steve’s head is relatively small. It can fit in a microwave. Mine can’t do that. I just have too big of a head, due to my age and wisdom. Roggenbuck stores his wisdom in his heart. That’s where all his ideas come from because he loves everybody on Facebook. 

                Hatebreed comes up. That’s a metal band. Cut-outs of people argue. Both of these cut-outs sound suspiciously like Steve. I doubt they are. They are probably paper cut-outs trying to get through their lives. It can be hard to do. Later the hand cut-outs (is this an illusion to William Bennett’s side project ‘Cut Hands’) admit to enjoying Hatebreed a little too much. 

                The real meat and meat potatoes is the five factors of metal subgenres. He even has hybrids of said subgenres. I don’t know much about metal. Steve’s chart helps me get through the oftentimes confusing language of metal. Metal usually feels too intense for me. I like my metal like I like my species: sloth and algae growing. Yeah, that’s why I dig slowcore, Post-Rock, shoegaze, and chillwave. If those genres didn’t exist, well heck, I wouldn’t exist. Drone could be thrown in there too but drone can vary a bit too much. I do like stoner metal since it is a slower kind of metal. All that thrashing stuff sounds insane to me. You might want to pause the video to take some notes. 

                I like the end. It is amazing. Steve puts some ridiculous metal video to happy, cheerful pop music. I know how hard Steve worked on that graph. Metal means a lot to Steve. That’s all he listens to besides Justin Bieber. Before Steve wrote poetry, he wrote death metal lyrics. Death metal lyrics are basically flarf as sung by Cookie Monster.

                Pretty pleased with this video. Steve had been teasing us with an ‘explain-all’ video on metal for quite some time. Proud of Steve for accomplishing his musical dreams. Let’s hope in the future to hear from Steve again as he brings together his love of flarf and metal into the best damned Satanic band known to man.