Can someone do something exciting so I can care about the internet again? By Gabby Bess
                For a mere moment I thought about Megan Boyle’s live blog and how it was a beautiful thing to behold. The Internet is at its best when it gets to be honest. To be gone with the humor gone with the darkness the Internet simply exists, a living breathing organism ready to absorb other living breathing organisms. Megan Boyle and Gabby Bess express what it means to be alive at exactly this precise moment in time, that’s why I love their work so much. They simply are and to me that’s an extremely straightforward way to be. To be honest I can’t do that. I have to always be funny because I have nothing else to go on, no deep insight into the human psyche because I’m not that kind of person. Instead I do things differently. Completely focusing on this thought of how to make the Internet interesting I sat for a spell. 

                I figured it out. I would fall from space and live-tweet my fall from the Heavens. I approached Red Bull to give them the idea for a crazy advertisement that would for the first time show a sloth falling from space. At first Red Bull hesitated wondering if there was a large enough sloth market for its product. I explained how sloths would be ideal Red Bull customers due to their slow metabolism and inability to stay up for longer than forty five minutes. Upon further discussions I would be sponsored by Red Bull as I fell from space. Their only request was that I make sure to throw in subtle Red Bull advertisements along with my tweets. With Red Bull’s help I was going to make people care about the Internet again. 

                The world looked small before I fell from space. I saw everything, the clouds, the water, the ground, some random stuff. It looked fairly legit. After my space instructor pushed me out of the space craft I began my descent from the stars into the sky. I knew if I live-tweeted my fall from space I would gain ten, possibly twenty twitter followers. Of course I could talk about how live-tweeting my fall from space made me appreciate the rich smooth taste of Red Bull but I’ll let the tweets speak for themselves for twitter is my jam and I spread it on toast every morning. 

                Whoa falling from space is a real blast

                Seeing the beautiful endless blue ocean reminds me of the cool blue part of the Red Bull can

                This is probably the same view that Russian dog saw a couple decades ago 

                Man I am really pumped about falling through miles of empty space with a sweet caffeine buzz going on

                Did you know that Red Bull comes in a caffeine free form called Red Bull Total Zero? The name seems really appropriate. 

                About to hit the Earth because gravity

                The best part about being alive on the Internet is how affordable caffeine and insomnia have become

Can someone do something exciting so I can care about the internet again? By Gabby Bess

                For a mere moment I thought about Megan Boyle’s live blog and how it was a beautiful thing to behold. The Internet is at its best when it gets to be honest. To be gone with the humor gone with the darkness the Internet simply exists, a living breathing organism ready to absorb other living breathing organisms. Megan Boyle and Gabby Bess express what it means to be alive at exactly this precise moment in time, that’s why I love their work so much. They simply are and to me that’s an extremely straightforward way to be. To be honest I can’t do that. I have to always be funny because I have nothing else to go on, no deep insight into the human psyche because I’m not that kind of person. Instead I do things differently. Completely focusing on this thought of how to make the Internet interesting I sat for a spell. 

                I figured it out. I would fall from space and live-tweet my fall from the Heavens. I approached Red Bull to give them the idea for a crazy advertisement that would for the first time show a sloth falling from space. At first Red Bull hesitated wondering if there was a large enough sloth market for its product. I explained how sloths would be ideal Red Bull customers due to their slow metabolism and inability to stay up for longer than forty five minutes. Upon further discussions I would be sponsored by Red Bull as I fell from space. Their only request was that I make sure to throw in subtle Red Bull advertisements along with my tweets. With Red Bull’s help I was going to make people care about the Internet again. 

                The world looked small before I fell from space. I saw everything, the clouds, the water, the ground, some random stuff. It looked fairly legit. After my space instructor pushed me out of the space craft I began my descent from the stars into the sky. I knew if I live-tweeted my fall from space I would gain ten, possibly twenty twitter followers. Of course I could talk about how live-tweeting my fall from space made me appreciate the rich smooth taste of Red Bull but I’ll let the tweets speak for themselves for twitter is my jam and I spread it on toast every morning. 

                Whoa falling from space is a real blast

                Seeing the beautiful endless blue ocean reminds me of the cool blue part of the Red Bull can

                This is probably the same view that Russian dog saw a couple decades ago 

                Man I am really pumped about falling through miles of empty space with a sweet caffeine buzz going on

                Did you know that Red Bull comes in a caffeine free form called Red Bull Total Zero? The name seems really appropriate. 

                About to hit the Earth because gravity

                The best part about being alive on the Internet is how affordable caffeine and insomnia have become

LIVEBLOG by Megan Boyle


                Megan Boyle’s project ‘LIVEBLOG’ was the cat’s meow. Cats used it whenever they ran out of meows which happened with startling frequency. Unlike humans cats use meow a lot. Together cats and humans are infinitely excited about the endless possibilities offered by Tyrant Books publishing Megan Boyle’s world-famous blog into a proper book. It has been long, too long, since people have been able to hold a physical artifact from the beloved Megan Boyle. 

                ‘LIVEBLOG’ documents everything Megan Boyle did using the power of her indomitable mind. Good thing nobody will ever defeat Megan Boyle’s mind. Her Vice Column ‘Boyle’s Brains’ suggested as much, a mind so powerful it could not possibly be overcome. In fact it has been a while since her debut book ‘selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee’ released by Muumuu House all the way back in 2011. Actually a better idea might be to simply have a Lost-type thing explaining what Megan Boyle has been up to since then. 

                Previously on Megan Boyle:

                She did things. Some of them were good things. Beach Sloth got a hug in the summer of Alt Lit, 2012. Beach Sloth also received a card that allowed him to purchase vintage clothing somewhere within Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Megan Boyle moved around a lot in the period of 2011 – present, driving a car, living in various locations, making money presumably, and simply being the best Megan Boyle she could possibly be. 

                Adoring fans cannot wait for Megan Boyle to drop some serious knowledge. Her LIVEBLOG received extensive coverage from such reputable-ass publications like Dazed Digital and most recently Beach Sloth in this very review. Beach Sloth literally is jumping up and down in his sloth-like chair hoping for this LIVEBLOG to be everything it promises to be. 

                Raw, honest, painful, these are words other people used to describe Megan Boyle’s LIVEBLOG. They are apt. For a long time Beach Sloth read the LIVEBLOG trying to figure out how to successfully cover such a giant thing (over 350,000 words, which for those number crunchers, is a lot of words). Eventually Beach Sloth gave up on covering the LIVEBLOG and simply let it wash over him. What happened was something remarkable, something that forever changed the way that Beach Sloth thought about his life. To date Beach Sloth continues to live a life slightly more at ease knowing that LIVEBLOG is coming to book stores across the world. 

                The world needs to get ready for Megan Boyle because she is truly ready for it.

LIVEBLOG by Megan Boyle

                Megan Boyle’s project ‘LIVEBLOG’ was the cat’s meow. Cats used it whenever they ran out of meows which happened with startling frequency. Unlike humans cats use meow a lot. Together cats and humans are infinitely excited about the endless possibilities offered by Tyrant Books publishing Megan Boyle’s world-famous blog into a proper book. It has been long, too long, since people have been able to hold a physical artifact from the beloved Megan Boyle. 

                ‘LIVEBLOG’ documents everything Megan Boyle did using the power of her indomitable mind. Good thing nobody will ever defeat Megan Boyle’s mind. Her Vice Column ‘Boyle’s Brains’ suggested as much, a mind so powerful it could not possibly be overcome. In fact it has been a while since her debut book ‘selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee’ released by Muumuu House all the way back in 2011. Actually a better idea might be to simply have a Lost-type thing explaining what Megan Boyle has been up to since then. 

                Previously on Megan Boyle:

                She did things. Some of them were good things. Beach Sloth got a hug in the summer of Alt Lit, 2012. Beach Sloth also received a card that allowed him to purchase vintage clothing somewhere within Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Megan Boyle moved around a lot in the period of 2011 – present, driving a car, living in various locations, making money presumably, and simply being the best Megan Boyle she could possibly be. 

                Adoring fans cannot wait for Megan Boyle to drop some serious knowledge. Her LIVEBLOG received extensive coverage from such reputable-ass publications like Dazed Digital and most recently Beach Sloth in this very review. Beach Sloth literally is jumping up and down in his sloth-like chair hoping for this LIVEBLOG to be everything it promises to be. 

                Raw, honest, painful, these are words other people used to describe Megan Boyle’s LIVEBLOG. They are apt. For a long time Beach Sloth read the LIVEBLOG trying to figure out how to successfully cover such a giant thing (over 350,000 words, which for those number crunchers, is a lot of words). Eventually Beach Sloth gave up on covering the LIVEBLOG and simply let it wash over him. What happened was something remarkable, something that forever changed the way that Beach Sloth thought about his life. To date Beach Sloth continues to live a life slightly more at ease knowing that LIVEBLOG is coming to book stores across the world. 

                The world needs to get ready for Megan Boyle because she is truly ready for it.


 The Unlovable Virus by Megan Boyle
                The Unlovable Virus infects the world. During flu season people get immunizations from losing their loves. Yes people lose out every day of the year if they have the unlovable virus. But what is the unlovable virus and what can be done to protect against it?

                Such a good question requires an equally good answer. No such answer exists. People get unlovable all of the time. Relationships hurt due to a perceived increase in negative communications. The ratios between the good and bad are hard to maintain. Eventually something has to give. Negative might get outweighed for a while a long while. Unlike the positive the negative has a way of sticking around of collecting into large pools of general unhappiness. When the negative grows too large that is when the puddle becomes a body of water. 

                Individuals like arguing with each other over the perceived negative elements they experience. These might mean they are not compatible. Cuteness is an important factor in being a good couple. If two people like each other very much they begin to have their faces match up. Outside observers find this a creepy development. Inside observers do not notice it as they begin to resemble one another until they become a perfect union. 

                Negativity ruins this chance. Instead of the people looking the same with their faces all morphing into each other they look increasingly more different. Tastes become different. Interests fall away from each other as if they are trees molting leaves. Gradually they see the best parts of them falling away because they want to be the same. Yet they can’t be. Hurt makes it impossible for them to ever be similar, makes it impossible to be the trees in the same forest. 

                Realization of the end of a relationship hurts the most. It is the fall from love that can break people apart into tiny pieces. They are gone without each other. Friends are divvied up amongst the couple with the winner takes all winning it all. When the unlovable virus begins to infect it takes all of this away. Hence people begin crying and they begin crying alone. They want to be alone even though alone is the last thing they should be. 

                Worldwide epidemics happen with the unlovable virus. The unlovable virus is responsible for increased Netflix subscriptions, greater amounts of self-awareness, and an uncanny ability to cry at almost anything.

 The Unlovable Virus by Megan Boyle

                The Unlovable Virus infects the world. During flu season people get immunizations from losing their loves. Yes people lose out every day of the year if they have the unlovable virus. But what is the unlovable virus and what can be done to protect against it?

                Such a good question requires an equally good answer. No such answer exists. People get unlovable all of the time. Relationships hurt due to a perceived increase in negative communications. The ratios between the good and bad are hard to maintain. Eventually something has to give. Negative might get outweighed for a while a long while. Unlike the positive the negative has a way of sticking around of collecting into large pools of general unhappiness. When the negative grows too large that is when the puddle becomes a body of water. 

                Individuals like arguing with each other over the perceived negative elements they experience. These might mean they are not compatible. Cuteness is an important factor in being a good couple. If two people like each other very much they begin to have their faces match up. Outside observers find this a creepy development. Inside observers do not notice it as they begin to resemble one another until they become a perfect union. 

                Negativity ruins this chance. Instead of the people looking the same with their faces all morphing into each other they look increasingly more different. Tastes become different. Interests fall away from each other as if they are trees molting leaves. Gradually they see the best parts of them falling away because they want to be the same. Yet they can’t be. Hurt makes it impossible for them to ever be similar, makes it impossible to be the trees in the same forest. 

                Realization of the end of a relationship hurts the most. It is the fall from love that can break people apart into tiny pieces. They are gone without each other. Friends are divvied up amongst the couple with the winner takes all winning it all. When the unlovable virus begins to infect it takes all of this away. Hence people begin crying and they begin crying alone. They want to be alone even though alone is the last thing they should be. 

                Worldwide epidemics happen with the unlovable virus. The unlovable virus is responsible for increased Netflix subscriptions, greater amounts of self-awareness, and an uncanny ability to cry at almost anything.

A SMALL BLUE SOLDIER ON THE DASHBOARD OF A CAR DRIVING SOMEWHERE BY MEGAN BOYLE

                Drives to nowhere are the best drives. A major discovery happens during the quiet moments in life. Things accumulate to represent an evolution in time. Such things mark off the hours, days, months and years that make up life. Eventually the material things get to have these small fragments of memory caked on them. Pieces of the memories break away either due to editing or due to too much to remember. With movement the pieces fall away to leave the best lasting impressions.

                Relationships bond together individuals. How this happens is hard to explain. Nobody ever intends to enter a relationship. One day it simply happens. The awkward meeting leads to greater better less awkward meetings. People like feeling each other out. Uncomfortable silences in time become much more comfortable. Silence indicates that there is a thought going on that tries to wind itself around the silent participants. 

                Multiple relationships can occur simultaneously. This is common. Geography means that people have large hurdles to overcome. Hence individuals find themselves with many friends spread around the world. Bluntly they talk about their opinions on everything holding nothing back. Without a filter they can get away with such direct ways of speaking. A few people can get away with such behavior to everybody else the language is abrasive. 

                Collapses happen. People break up, break apart, and go their separate ways. Hurt comes from any relationship dissolving. Such things can be possible to prevent. A few times they are unable to be prevented. Life tends to be complicated that way. Individuals like to think that they are evolving and collecting friends. Really they are simply into not being completely bored with their lives. It is a typical problem without a cure. 

                Loneliness can be good too. Thoughts like to race around the quiet mind. Studies force individuals together. Whether those students have anything in common is doubtful. School indicates that the world is knowable. Knowledge teases the world. If a person gets smarter and smarter they begin to understand exactly what they do not know. That realization hurts. Ignorance can be bliss because with the right amount of ignorance everything becomes infinitely simple. 

                People try to be simple. Children have their lives as the simplest they can possibly have it. These things are common to everyone. Memory allows a person to go back to a separate time before their life got complications, emotional, work, and love. As a child everything is easy. The inner child follows a person throughout their life as more complications are poured over making the inner child increasing difficult to reach. Yet people continue to soldier through their lives unaware of whatever comes next, only aware of what has happened.

A SMALL BLUE SOLDIER ON THE DASHBOARD OF A CAR DRIVING SOMEWHERE BY MEGAN BOYLE

                Drives to nowhere are the best drives. A major discovery happens during the quiet moments in life. Things accumulate to represent an evolution in time. Such things mark off the hours, days, months and years that make up life. Eventually the material things get to have these small fragments of memory caked on them. Pieces of the memories break away either due to editing or due to too much to remember. With movement the pieces fall away to leave the best lasting impressions.

                Relationships bond together individuals. How this happens is hard to explain. Nobody ever intends to enter a relationship. One day it simply happens. The awkward meeting leads to greater better less awkward meetings. People like feeling each other out. Uncomfortable silences in time become much more comfortable. Silence indicates that there is a thought going on that tries to wind itself around the silent participants. 

                Multiple relationships can occur simultaneously. This is common. Geography means that people have large hurdles to overcome. Hence individuals find themselves with many friends spread around the world. Bluntly they talk about their opinions on everything holding nothing back. Without a filter they can get away with such direct ways of speaking. A few people can get away with such behavior to everybody else the language is abrasive. 

                Collapses happen. People break up, break apart, and go their separate ways. Hurt comes from any relationship dissolving. Such things can be possible to prevent. A few times they are unable to be prevented. Life tends to be complicated that way. Individuals like to think that they are evolving and collecting friends. Really they are simply into not being completely bored with their lives. It is a typical problem without a cure. 

                Loneliness can be good too. Thoughts like to race around the quiet mind. Studies force individuals together. Whether those students have anything in common is doubtful. School indicates that the world is knowable. Knowledge teases the world. If a person gets smarter and smarter they begin to understand exactly what they do not know. That realization hurts. Ignorance can be bliss because with the right amount of ignorance everything becomes infinitely simple. 

                People try to be simple. Children have their lives as the simplest they can possibly have it. These things are common to everyone. Memory allows a person to go back to a separate time before their life got complications, emotional, work, and love. As a child everything is easy. The inner child follows a person throughout their life as more complications are poured over making the inner child increasing difficult to reach. Yet people continue to soldier through their lives unaware of whatever comes next, only aware of what has happened.

Megan Boyle: Now on Wikipedia!

                Megan Boyle is highly bloggable. I said that many moons ago whilst perusing her Facebook presence. Upon learning that she had a Wikipedia page I was ecstatic. I rushed outside and shouted at the top of my lungs “Megan Boyle is on Wikipedia”. One person nearby kind of cared but they might have also been excited about receiving an important motorcycle part in the mail. 

                Long ago in a land far away Megan Boyle shared a city, Baltimore city, with courageous young me. I first saw Megan Boyle read in Baltimore. I wanted to approach her yet I was too shy. Various individuals started talking to me feigning interest or perhaps sincerely interested in me. Sadly I was unable to actually speak to her. Months later she read at the St. Marks Place bookstore where she left too quickly before I could introduce myself. 

                It was not until the summer of Alt Lit (2012) that I introduced myself to the young whippersnapper entitled “Megan Boyle”. From the moment I met Megan Boyle it was blog at first sight. The way Megan Boyle speaks, acts, and cares about others is highly bloggable. Whatever Megan Boyle does is bloggable. What is surprising about her Wikipedia page is that it should have happened sooner. 

                Winner of my Beachie award and more importantly a published writer, Megan Boyle has done a great many things with her life. She wrote for Vice Magazine a highly respectable-ass magazine. Her debut poetry collection “selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee” was published by Muumuu House, itself a front for Tao Lin’s friendship. People across the world enjoyed her collection. Besides this she is particularly excellent at live-blogging and live-blogged her entire life for a while with a blog that had over 350,000 words.  Hopefully someday I hope to be a little more like Megan Boyle and a little less like a sloth. 

                Everything Megan Boyle does is inspiring. I have multiple friends who started blogging inspired by Megan Boyle. The way she recorded her video in Baltimore still resonates throughout my happy sunlit mind. Whenever I see Megan Boyle I feel happier about my life in general. Her online presence is second to none: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, that thing about Tom Hanks, yes she does it all.
                I write this stuff about Megan Boyle because this is not the kind of thing Wikipedia can include in their article. Megan Boyle is beyond the confines of Wikipedia. No reputable source can be cited that mentions the free-wheeling spirit of Megan Boyle. I try. Hopefully I succeed. Anyone in the vicinity of Megan Boyle is strongly-ass encouraged to give her a hug. I have and it was a great hug indeed.

Megan Boyle: Now on Wikipedia!

                Megan Boyle is highly bloggable. I said that many moons ago whilst perusing her Facebook presence. Upon learning that she had a Wikipedia page I was ecstatic. I rushed outside and shouted at the top of my lungs “Megan Boyle is on Wikipedia”. One person nearby kind of cared but they might have also been excited about receiving an important motorcycle part in the mail. 

                Long ago in a land far away Megan Boyle shared a city, Baltimore city, with courageous young me. I first saw Megan Boyle read in Baltimore. I wanted to approach her yet I was too shy. Various individuals started talking to me feigning interest or perhaps sincerely interested in me. Sadly I was unable to actually speak to her. Months later she read at the St. Marks Place bookstore where she left too quickly before I could introduce myself. 

                It was not until the summer of Alt Lit (2012) that I introduced myself to the young whippersnapper entitled “Megan Boyle”. From the moment I met Megan Boyle it was blog at first sight. The way Megan Boyle speaks, acts, and cares about others is highly bloggable. Whatever Megan Boyle does is bloggable. What is surprising about her Wikipedia page is that it should have happened sooner. 

                Winner of my Beachie award and more importantly a published writer, Megan Boyle has done a great many things with her life. She wrote for Vice Magazine a highly respectable-ass magazine. Her debut poetry collection “selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee” was published by Muumuu House, itself a front for Tao Lin’s friendship. People across the world enjoyed her collection. Besides this she is particularly excellent at live-blogging and live-blogged her entire life for a while with a blog that had over 350,000 words.  Hopefully someday I hope to be a little more like Megan Boyle and a little less like a sloth. 

                Everything Megan Boyle does is inspiring. I have multiple friends who started blogging inspired by Megan Boyle. The way she recorded her video in Baltimore still resonates throughout my happy sunlit mind. Whenever I see Megan Boyle I feel happier about my life in general. Her online presence is second to none: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, that thing about Tom Hanks, yes she does it all.

                I write this stuff about Megan Boyle because this is not the kind of thing Wikipedia can include in their article. Megan Boyle is beyond the confines of Wikipedia. No reputable source can be cited that mentions the free-wheeling spirit of Megan Boyle. I try. Hopefully I succeed. Anyone in the vicinity of Megan Boyle is strongly-ass encouraged to give her a hug. I have and it was a great hug indeed.

SELECTIONS FROM JORDAN CASTRO’S TWITTER

                Jordan Castro is having a trill year. Lately he’s been traveling across the country doing a reading tour with Megan Boyle, Sam Pink, Scott McClanahan, Mallory Whitten and the savory Salisbury Bushnell. ‘Shoplifting from American Apparel’ showed off Jordan Castro’s acting chops. In his spare time he runs his very own Ohio based band aptly named ‘The Ohioans’. Recently he busted out the big beautiful book of ‘Young Americans’ chronicling the life and times of a young, virile man growing up in America. Honestly Jordan is virile as fuck, despite his best efforts to rip off his own dick. 

                The set begins with an emphasis on his age. Jordan Castro graduated high school. Many consider this a true accomplishment, a testament to getting through the worst part of life. In fact judging from the last tweet about the first day of college there is really solid framing effect for these tweets. Megan Boyle does a really good job of showing how Jordan Castro’s mind works during that time of ‘pure freedom’ from school, away from old friends and hoping to make new ones. 

                ‘just want to write a book so good that all of my behavior is excusable’ is the best tweet in the whole collection. If there’s one tweet that deserves to be re-tweeted out of the bunch it is this one. Writers typically refer to their own work as a justification for their actions. Sometimes shitty writers are also shitty people. Book quality has nothing to do with it often. Yet the idea is common enough that Jordan’s take is particularly funny. Besides he recently put out a book, so perhaps this tweet also has a ‘prophetic’ quality to it. Maybe Jordan knew, subconsciously that he would be out a book to extreme critical acclaim. 

                X-men get a lot of attention in this tweet series. Clearly Jordan Castro loves ‘the fuck’ out of that perennial all-American comic book series. One of the most notable aspects of American culture is the fear of a massive, all powerful government. Usually this government hates mutants for reasons that are convoluted, boring, and poorly explained. Yet the explanation doesn’t really matter as long as some cars transform into robots, some web is slung, and at least one awkward love scene is shown. Jordan explains how he lost control of his left leg due to the overwhelming power of the X-men movie. 

                The tweets about loneliness are great. Rummaging around people’s homes in broad daylight searching for happiness is commonly referred to as ‘hanging out’. Crying uncontrollably on the floor while looking really good is typical for anyone between the ages of 16 to 32. After 32 it gets easier, hopefully. If someone is worried about the terrible direction their life is going they should read these tweets since these tweets would make anyone feel less alone in loneliness.

SELECTIONS FROM JORDAN CASTRO’S TWITTER

                Jordan Castro is having a trill year. Lately he’s been traveling across the country doing a reading tour with Megan Boyle, Sam Pink, Scott McClanahan, Mallory Whitten and the savory Salisbury Bushnell. ‘Shoplifting from American Apparel’ showed off Jordan Castro’s acting chops. In his spare time he runs his very own Ohio based band aptly named ‘The Ohioans’. Recently he busted out the big beautiful book of ‘Young Americans’ chronicling the life and times of a young, virile man growing up in America. Honestly Jordan is virile as fuck, despite his best efforts to rip off his own dick. 

                The set begins with an emphasis on his age. Jordan Castro graduated high school. Many consider this a true accomplishment, a testament to getting through the worst part of life. In fact judging from the last tweet about the first day of college there is really solid framing effect for these tweets. Megan Boyle does a really good job of showing how Jordan Castro’s mind works during that time of ‘pure freedom’ from school, away from old friends and hoping to make new ones. 

                ‘just want to write a book so good that all of my behavior is excusable’ is the best tweet in the whole collection. If there’s one tweet that deserves to be re-tweeted out of the bunch it is this one. Writers typically refer to their own work as a justification for their actions. Sometimes shitty writers are also shitty people. Book quality has nothing to do with it often. Yet the idea is common enough that Jordan’s take is particularly funny. Besides he recently put out a book, so perhaps this tweet also has a ‘prophetic’ quality to it. Maybe Jordan knew, subconsciously that he would be out a book to extreme critical acclaim. 

                X-men get a lot of attention in this tweet series. Clearly Jordan Castro loves ‘the fuck’ out of that perennial all-American comic book series. One of the most notable aspects of American culture is the fear of a massive, all powerful government. Usually this government hates mutants for reasons that are convoluted, boring, and poorly explained. Yet the explanation doesn’t really matter as long as some cars transform into robots, some web is slung, and at least one awkward love scene is shown. Jordan explains how he lost control of his left leg due to the overwhelming power of the X-men movie. 

                The tweets about loneliness are great. Rummaging around people’s homes in broad daylight searching for happiness is commonly referred to as ‘hanging out’. Crying uncontrollably on the floor while looking really good is typical for anyone between the ages of 16 to 32. After 32 it gets easier, hopefully. If someone is worried about the terrible direction their life is going they should read these tweets since these tweets would make anyone feel less alone in loneliness.

raccoonsarenotafraidofpeople

raccoonsarenotafraidofpeople:

Raccoon Remix.  2012.

                Raccoons make amazing remixes. Few would guess a raccoon would be behind the greatest video remix of culture. Culture is all around up in this massively distorted video/audio project. At times completely incomprehensible it is a pulsing being of pure energy. More than a video the Raccoon Remix is the world viewer through the less of those smart enough to pull back and escape. Watching this video requires complete and full attention. Despite the amorphous nature of the video a few common themes appear again and again.

                Zachary German appears many times in this video. This is due to his blockbuster hit ‘Shitty Youth’ which came out fairly recently. Sure other alt lit writers appear: Tao Lin, Steve Roggenbuck, Megan Boyle and Jordan Castro make guest appearances. For some reason Zachary’s face interests the raccoon the most. Zachary’s face bleeds into and out of its surroundings. Does Zachary German’s face represent the end times? When the world ends will the final words be Zachary German’s infamous phrase of ‘Kill cops. Why not? Look at them. They’re horrible. I don’t know.’

                Law enforcement is shown more frequently however. Putting the bad guys away is what law enforcement does. Every time somebody is smoking up (and there’s a lot of footage of that in the video) law enforcement arrives to save the day. Whatever raccoon created this remix is clearly a fan of America’s hard working police force. Dangerous drug fiends litter the streets of America. It is up to America’s law enforcement to pick up the trash. Besides this there is real Manson footage, various evil doers and other assorted pieces of trash. 

                Speaking of trash politicians take up a large chunk of the footage. This includes the recent footage from the 2012 election along with earlier politicians. Bill Clinton makes his way into the infinitely growing jam. George W. Bush, America’s beloved former leader, makes a rare post-presidential appearance. Even older presidents wedge their way into this mega-mix. In fact there is a surprisingly calm moment where a speaker discusses how to be an intellectual. It is simple: just realize everything is hopeless. People laughed at him. But he was probably right or hopelessly pessimistic. 

                By the end of the video the graphics change dramatically. From the macro level of world events, drug busts, and bursts of violence is the micro world of cell biology. Here the cells take over. There is no stopping it. The end of the world will be full of evil micro biology perpetuated by raccoon remixes. Consider this remix a basic sample of what’s to come.

livemylief

livemylief:

SLEEP WITH ME UNTIL WE ARE BIRDS AT THE END OF THE WORLD

reading poetry next to some train tracks in northampton massachusets

                Steve Roggenbuck advises Baltimore that he remains its sexual cartographer. The crowd, predictably goes wild. Rare footage of this IRL reading is courtesy of Sarah Jean Alexander. In the background is the crème de le crème of the Baltimore blogging scene. Yep, that’s right; the blurry figure in the background is the world-famous, jet-setting blogger of Megan Boyle. People love Megan Boyle. Vice digs what she does. Her work on the social anxiety of frozen foods at the supermarket changes lives each and every post. 

                Delicate music plays in the background as Steve states he came all the way from Twitter.com. Lots of people live on Twitter. Twitter is getting gentrified. Before it used to be so easy to live on Twitter, just tweeting about breakfast or pictures of oneself but now, what happened. It is out of control. People need to build brands on Twitter, gain followers, and be relevant. Many drop out of the Twitter game. For those thinking about leaving Twitter and leading a stress-free Myspace life, don’t. While the Twitter game may be hard it brings people together under the umbrella of witty comments and unique worldviews. 

                Here Steve walks next to a railroad. EMO music plays in the background. Steve Roggenbuck is the most EMO poet of any generation. Other poets tried getting into Bright Eyes and failed. Steve succeeds. Evidence can be seen in the sort of romantic poetry Steve writes such as ‘I want to be down in the clown of you’ and ‘fricker’.  Speculation states ‘fricker’ is nothing more than a soft or Mormon way of saying ‘fucker’. This is incorrect. When Steve says fricker he refers to the entire frick-o-system. 

                There’s a random shot of a play-horse. This is a not so subtle homage to the online horse, horse_ebooks. Indeed for those unaware, horse_ebooks lives in Massachusetts and works alongside such great minds as Noam Chomsky. Noam Chomsky does not respect horse_ebooks however. Each one has a different concentration. Noam is a political commentator and studies linguistics. Horse_ebooks teaches a class on marketing in social media. Poor horse_ebooks does not have any ‘spicy teacher’ rating on ‘ratemyteacher.com’. Students of horse_ebooks complain of the blogs they need to maintain for the class. Brand-building exercises are not understood by horse_ebooks’ students. 

                For this video Steve is sponsored by America’s greatest transportation system, the railroad. America owes a lot to its railroads hence why railroads usually pass through people’s backyards. As trains pass through the countryside they say to themselves “Oh that guy did a good job landscaping his backyard” and “When are they going to throw out that jungle gym. Their kids are in their forties now.” Life moves like a freight train, heavily subsidized by friends. 

                 It ends with Steve calling people something bird related at 6 am. This makes sense. Everybody is a bird in their own special way. 6 am is the ‘birding hour’ when the birds start chirping. Steve calls it, ‘just another hour on the internet’. This is a tender video to watch with young children and indeed may be the most PBS-friendly thing Steve has done. And with PBS being bashed by big old meanies this is exactly what they need.

Giving Up: DON’T



                People give up each and every day. Some writers have choice words for those who give up. One Steve Roggenbuck says ‘If you give up, fuck you’. Today a great plague has hit the alt lit nation. It is a brand new craze of bleak introspection: come on, do the dejection. Life can be hard. Sloths understand this as they crawl from one point to the other, never getting to where they need to go. Rather sloths hang upside down on trees condemned to achieve nothing. But while such a model has worked for millennia for the sloths, it is a poor strategy for humans to take. 


                Sam Pink appears to be giving up. Out of somewhere he states ‘life sucks dick’. Sam Pink went on a reading tour with other great writers across the beautiful, bountiful and buxom baby called America. From this place of sadness Sam talks about those uncouth youngsters throwing rocks at him. The pants he had split apart like a new pair of pants. Most of Sam’s sadness may be pants related. His heart gets torn out over and over again until there is nothing left. 


                But there is something left. The outpouring of support is amazing. People are right. When sadness falls it can be heavy indeed. No one can pick themselves up out of depression alone. Friends are necessary to pull that heaviness off, revealing the sunshine once again. HTMLGiant has a stub dedicated to this post, to encourage others to encourage Sam Pink. A few have been directly hurt from this announcement. Mallory Whitten is currently having her head ‘belly slammed’ by Jordan Castro and Megan Boyle. Save Mallory Whitten’s head. Buy Sam Pink’s books wherever un-reputable books are sold. Also buy Megan Boyle’s book. Megan Boyle is the coolest person on planet Earth. 


                My experience with Sam Pink has been uniformly positive. I have seen videos of his readings shown to me by Steve Roggenbuck. Everybody loves the guy. Shaun Gannon did a rare dedication to Sam Pink in one of his poems. Reading a Sam Pink piece is a unique, life-changing experience. How he filters reality is amazing. The outro he wrote for Scott McClanahan’s “The Collected Works of Scott McClanahan Volume 1” is fantastic. Check out Scott’s book too. It is really, really funny, downright bizarre yet oddly believable. Scott McClanahan’s work is like discovering West Virginia without the inconvenience of actually going there. 

                General theme of giving up: just don’t do it. Live. Breathe. It gets better. Depression hits the world each and every day. What can be the hardest thing is to embrace the good. Not everything is going to work out. Sam Pink has been doing this for a long time. Literature without Sam Pink would be an even sadder thing. Embrace Sam Pink. Give him a virtual hug right here.

Giving Up: DON’T

                People give up each and every day. Some writers have choice words for those who give up. One Steve Roggenbuck says ‘If you give up, fuck you’. Today a great plague has hit the alt lit nation. It is a brand new craze of bleak introspection: come on, do the dejection. Life can be hard. Sloths understand this as they crawl from one point to the other, never getting to where they need to go. Rather sloths hang upside down on trees condemned to achieve nothing. But while such a model has worked for millennia for the sloths, it is a poor strategy for humans to take. 

                Sam Pink appears to be giving up. Out of somewhere he states ‘life sucks dick’. Sam Pink went on a reading tour with other great writers across the beautiful, bountiful and buxom baby called America. From this place of sadness Sam talks about those uncouth youngsters throwing rocks at him. The pants he had split apart like a new pair of pants. Most of Sam’s sadness may be pants related. His heart gets torn out over and over again until there is nothing left. 

                But there is something left. The outpouring of support is amazing. People are right. When sadness falls it can be heavy indeed. No one can pick themselves up out of depression alone. Friends are necessary to pull that heaviness off, revealing the sunshine once again. HTMLGiant has a stub dedicated to this post, to encourage others to encourage Sam Pink. A few have been directly hurt from this announcement. Mallory Whitten is currently having her head ‘belly slammed’ by Jordan Castro and Megan Boyle. Save Mallory Whitten’s head. Buy Sam Pink’s books wherever un-reputable books are sold. Also buy Megan Boyle’s book. Megan Boyle is the coolest person on planet Earth. 

                My experience with Sam Pink has been uniformly positive. I have seen videos of his readings shown to me by Steve Roggenbuck. Everybody loves the guy. Shaun Gannon did a rare dedication to Sam Pink in one of his poems. Reading a Sam Pink piece is a unique, life-changing experience. How he filters reality is amazing. The outro he wrote for Scott McClanahan’s “The Collected Works of Scott McClanahan Volume 1” is fantastic. Check out Scott’s book too. It is really, really funny, downright bizarre yet oddly believable. Scott McClanahan’s work is like discovering West Virginia without the inconvenience of actually going there. 

                General theme of giving up: just don’t do it. Live. Breathe. It gets better. Depression hits the world each and every day. What can be the hardest thing is to embrace the good. Not everything is going to work out. Sam Pink has been doing this for a long time. Literature without Sam Pink would be an even sadder thing. Embrace Sam Pink. Give him a virtual hug right here.

Tao Lin and Megan Boyle Break Up :(

               There I was, in my matching plaid Pajamas, doing Math homework, when I saw it. A relationship status change which changed my life lay in front of me. Part of me couldn’t believe it. I know love is a never-ending math equation, where the numbers don’t add up, but I couldn’t grasp it. Megan Boyle and Tao Lin had split up. Confused I decided to use math to determine why this had happened, but nothing, not even linear regression or taking the second derivative of love helped me. 

                How did this happen? We’ll never know; that’s for sure. I felt sad seeing this relationship change. The two of them seemed so sweet and adorable together. I remember seeing them in all those MDMA films, which were little funny valentines, bathed in red light, mumbled but caring. Actually I even remember seeing them at one of the premiers of those films, specifically for “Bebe Zeva”. Part of me wanted to go up to them, to shake each one of their hands and thank them for being great writers. Instead I stood by myself, awkward, wondering if I should talk to people more internet famous than myself, which is everyone. 

                Now I can see the bloggers circling around the split up couple. Countless blog entries are going to be dedicated to taking sides. Some will take Tao Lin’s side; others will take Megan Boyle’s side. Foul comments will come out of each camp, dreadful words meant to hurt. They’ll question the other, berate the other, post of Facebook walls, and generally create an internet-based ruckus. 

                I’m going to do an unusual thing I say I like them both. Yes, I’m diplomatic. Sloths are known for being diplomats as we’re not really genetically pre-disposed to fighting due to our slow pace. Each writer has a specific style. Both of them have their own reasons for splitting up and it probably was for the best. Glad to see neither one has any plans for stopping the amazing output they’ve been putting out lately. 

                A number of breakups have been taking place recently. First those old people from Sonic Youth and now this breakup, which hurts more. Sonic Youth are far away from me; they don’t check their twitter nor link my site on their site. Tao Lin and Megan Boyle are responsive on the internet, liking posts and such. Despite having never introduced nor even met either one of them in real life, I feel they are my friends in a way which more meaningful than many people I know in real life. That’s because their work speaks to me and lets me know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed by this big old crazy world. At times their writing suggests they are in the room, trying to calm me down, trying to make me feel a little less nervous about my life. That’s probably why I’m a little sad about the breakup. Obviously they are too. 

                Sure, I know it was for the best for reasons I’ll never understand. Love is a mysterious thing. But now I know: if I ever bump into Megan or Tao of them in real life, I’ll give them a hug and buy them some ice cream.

Tao Lin and Megan Boyle Break Up :(

               There I was, in my matching plaid Pajamas, doing Math homework, when I saw it. A relationship status change which changed my life lay in front of me. Part of me couldn’t believe it. I know love is a never-ending math equation, where the numbers don’t add up, but I couldn’t grasp it. Megan Boyle and Tao Lin had split up. Confused I decided to use math to determine why this had happened, but nothing, not even linear regression or taking the second derivative of love helped me. 

                How did this happen? We’ll never know; that’s for sure. I felt sad seeing this relationship change. The two of them seemed so sweet and adorable together. I remember seeing them in all those MDMA films, which were little funny valentines, bathed in red light, mumbled but caring. Actually I even remember seeing them at one of the premiers of those films, specifically for “Bebe Zeva”. Part of me wanted to go up to them, to shake each one of their hands and thank them for being great writers. Instead I stood by myself, awkward, wondering if I should talk to people more internet famous than myself, which is everyone. 

                Now I can see the bloggers circling around the split up couple. Countless blog entries are going to be dedicated to taking sides. Some will take Tao Lin’s side; others will take Megan Boyle’s side. Foul comments will come out of each camp, dreadful words meant to hurt. They’ll question the other, berate the other, post of Facebook walls, and generally create an internet-based ruckus. 

                I’m going to do an unusual thing I say I like them both. Yes, I’m diplomatic. Sloths are known for being diplomats as we’re not really genetically pre-disposed to fighting due to our slow pace. Each writer has a specific style. Both of them have their own reasons for splitting up and it probably was for the best. Glad to see neither one has any plans for stopping the amazing output they’ve been putting out lately. 

                A number of breakups have been taking place recently. First those old people from Sonic Youth and now this breakup, which hurts more. Sonic Youth are far away from me; they don’t check their twitter nor link my site on their site. Tao Lin and Megan Boyle are responsive on the internet, liking posts and such. Despite having never introduced nor even met either one of them in real life, I feel they are my friends in a way which more meaningful than many people I know in real life. That’s because their work speaks to me and lets me know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed by this big old crazy world. At times their writing suggests they are in the room, trying to calm me down, trying to make me feel a little less nervous about my life. That’s probably why I’m a little sad about the breakup. Obviously they are too. 

                Sure, I know it was for the best for reasons I’ll never understand. Love is a mysterious thing. But now I know: if I ever bump into Megan or Tao of them in real life, I’ll give them a hug and buy them some ice cream.