Beach Sloth

Matt Romney and Rob Paul for America

                Stories matter a lot in politics. You can tell a lot from a politician by how they grew up. Out of all my years covering Presidential candidates, no ticket has ever had such a beautiful story as Matt Romney and Rob Paul. Hope after reading these stories (which I obtained through countless interviews with both candidates) you’ll see why Matt Romney and Rob Paul are right for America.

                Matt Romney grew up the child of poor immigrant crouton farmers. Milltown, North Dakota was tough. Eventually the Romney family could no longer support their eighteen children. Big crouton was moving into Hutchinson County. Despite the high quality of their croutons the crouton crop began to fail. Out of options, the Romney family began to search for wild fruits, berries, and tree bark to gather. 

                Being a good son Matt Romney prayed to God to help his family. This got tiresome. One day Matt ate some wild berries and had a hallucinogenic vision of Satan. Satan told Matt to grow a ‘sick’ moustache and pray to him. Praying to him would help Matt get the sort of experience he’d need to become President. After Matt Romney got his stomach pumped he received a phone call. Matt landed a job in an entry level position in a call center in big-city Omaha, Nebraska. 

                Traveling from North Dakota to Omaha proved difficult. Matt had walked a whole three miles before seeing a gas station. Famished Matt spent the rest of his life savings on a bottle of Gatorade. The gas station attendant felt pity for young Matt Romney. Matt followed the attendant into the bathroom. A hole appeared in the bathroom with arrows pointing towards it. Regally the attendant said ‘There’s glory in those holes’.

                Matt Romney earned money by working at glory holes in gas stations. Sketchy patrons waiting in line for the glory hole thanked Matt for his affordably priced oyster crackers right before they got their Ds S-ed. Upon working long and hard in glory holes Matt Romney had enough money to get to Omaha.

                In Omaha Matt proved to be a true phone wizard. He could sell a flesh-light to anyone, even his own mother, who bought two. Matt earned a bunch of money. Bain Capital came in and restructured Matt’s workplace, causing him to nearly lose his job. Poor Matt was distraught. Matt prayed to his true savior Satan. Satan advised him to lower taxes. Matt lowered taxes and saved everybody’s job. Mitt Romney was hell bent on ruining Matt after that. All Mitt Romney wanted to do was gut the American economy and act like a total douche about it. 

                That’s why Matt is running for President. You shave? Matt lowers your taxes. Are you an unborn caterpillar? No problem, you have lower taxes. Lower taxes will reign through Matt’s benevolent rule. 

               Rob Paul is a man of equally high caliber. Born to a middle-class cockman in rural Wyoming, Rob Paul understood the importance of money at an early age. Hunting wild flowers was Rob’s past time. Rob was a true flower child. Flowers raised Rob from an early age after his parents mysteriously exploded. The police report stated an explosion was to blame. From whom Rob never knew.

                Flowers taught Rob everything he needed to know. Once winter hit he was totally doomed. He ran, he ran so far away, Rob ran, he ran through night and day, just to get a way. Finally Rob found himself in New Mexico where he became enormously successful selling turquoise jewelry on the side of the road. With this money Rob started Googling.com, which was later bought by Google for a whopping $400 million dollars.

                Support these two candidates. If they get office, they will create jobs, lower taxes, and do the most important thing of all: teach America how to party. America was made for parties. I don’t always party, but when I do I party with Matt Romney and Rob Paul.