Beach Sloth

Leave Me For Dead by Walter Mackey

                I refuse to do such a thing. Sure Walter Mackey may live in a suburb of the middle of nowhere, but gosh darn it, he’s a friend. Let me take an extremely expensive airplane ride out there to help my friend out of this serious rut. Ruts are terrible things. Long ago they used to capture carts in order to feed themselves. Now ruts feast on despair since cars outsmart them on a regular basis. 

                ‘Robert Frost’ deals with the animal kingdom. Walter focuses on the cruel animals. What about the Cuttlefish? That is a cute animal. Other animals care too. Key deer approach people. They do not fear people. Dogs are man’s best friend. None of these animals eat their young or their mates. Most animals are generally sweet creatures. 

                ‘Roan Inish’ is a beautiful boy on the shores. Walter cares for him. Seven whole tears migrated down his face to form the seven seas. Beds covered in seaweed are a bit gross. Take it from me. I’m a beach sloth. The beach is an important part of my brand. 

                IPODs alleviate suffering all over the world. Madonna does it too. People listen to Madonna apparently. I was unaware. Thought Madonna re-incarnated herself as Lady Gaga since as Lady Gaga she needs no personality whatsoever. She can just dress up in outfits, all style, and no substance. 

                Crying among friends is important. When you have Xiu Xiu on an IPOD you can cry anytime. Seriously Xiu Xiu is horribly depressing. The Bowery wants Walter. He runs to the Bowery from his middle of nowhere location. If Walter starts running to the Bowery now he’ll be there in only a few weeks. It may be worth it. I am certain if the Bowery was a person he’d run towards Walter with arms wide open. 

                The future is sad for Walter. He wants to have buttercups underneath people’s chin. Buttering up people usually means flattery, not literal butter. Maybe this Canadian is right. Could I have be buttering people up the wrong way? Should I have used butter or its low-fat substitute, ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’? People watch their weight so one must keep this in mind. 

                Walter Mackey as a Catholic priest: it almost happened. We learn it here first. Here I thought Walter wanted other things in life, such as fame, fortune, and Bjork. Bjork is highly desirable, oh with her whole weirdness and all. When will Iceland elect Bjork as its ruler? California already did it with that muscle-man person and it worked out real swell for them. 

                Apparently there is some cheap Canadian knockoff of the Loch Ness Monster called the Ogopogo. I get it, Canada loves the UK. Wish they’d be a bit quieter about it. Too bad Canada has yet to create its own musical genre. When that happens I’ll move there. That’s a promise though in all fairness it would have to be an amazing genre. 

                Like all good things, it ends with an ant and a picnic. Walter’s face haunts the final page. There it talks about all the hip places he’s been published. We see the despair or happiness in Walter’s face. Think despair and happiness look the same for Walter. I like Walter.