Beach Sloth

RADDDDD by Daniel Alexander

                Brat packs come and go. There have been acting brat packs and literary brat packs. Alt lit has literary brat packs. Snack packs are a once in a lifetime opportunity. Full of wholesome, delicious goodness snack packs are delightful treats. Daniel Alexander is king of the literary snack pack. Picture Daniel Alexander selling Jello, Froyo, or Ho-Hos. That’s his calling and with ‘RADDDDD’ he answers it with a resounding ‘Can I have some more please?’

                Daniel recalls what lead him to write a book. He was having a meal that couldn’t be beat. After he finished it a fortune cookie spoke to him. Thanks to Daniel’s attention to snack foods he was convinced to write a book. Heck the fortune cookie was given to him for a reason: to make fortune cookies feel important everywhere. 

                Water amazes Daniel. It is a beautiful thing. Every day it rains a little bit somewhere on a big beautiful planet called ‘Earth’. Whose water is it anyway? Maybe it came from somewhere amazing. Daniel goes over all its potential origins. It could be from anywhere and he dreams of all the great people and places. 

                Bones need to be hidden away from dogs. Otherwise dogs will chomp on the bones of the human race. Man’s best friend will transform into man’s worst enemy. Packs of dogs will crowd the streets looking for delicious bone-bags to consume. Humanity is nothing more than bags of bones with water thrown in, for flavoring. 

                Common everyday things are made beautiful in the book. Poor dads without hair, they suffer more than anyone. They become sad dads. Daniel visits new alien terrains. Planets exist outside of Earth. Bodies deserve care. Functions are explained in an enthusiastic, childlike manner. COBRA the art movement would be proud of this literary extension of their sweetness. Lunch-ladies get a shout out too, the first mention of lunch-ladies in alt lit. Here Daniel talks about his savvy techniques he used to get extra lunch. 

                Moments of silence are meditative. Daniel wants to reflect on the waste of production. Think of the pencils, think of the paper, think of the cockroaches. Hard-hitting questions have no answers. Juggalos exist because they want a counter-culture pre-approved and bankrolled. It is gross yet able to boost Faygo sales. Respect the Juggalos because nobody else does. Think different. Water is transformed into Fruit Punch thanks to Daniel’s amazing snacks skills. 

                The future has video game cartridges as a currency. What will happen to those without proper video game knowledge? It is a bleak time. Daniel sees people getting shot over video games. Glad Daniel is safe as a marked down piece of meat. Status updates offer a look at everybody else’s life while staying at home. Be a stay at home gossip! The hours are great. Various Facebook status updates give a glimpse at Daniel’s non snack-based life. Babes are a big part of Daniel’s life. He has them on his cell phone all the time. 

                Pizza friend is a big commitment. Daniel is ready. Put all sorts of things on his face. Eat Daniel’s face. This is what he wants. Horrible noise comes out of a tape cassette. Bizarre sounds emerge him into a whole other world. For a moment Daniel thinks he is dead. He isn’t dead he’s just listening to a John Wiese tape cassette, worth hundreds of dollars on EBAY because why not, people are idiots. Conspiracy theories are as American as Apple Pies being held captive in Area 51. 

                The biggest conspiracy theory comes from Daniel. He states without offering any scientific evidence that humans destroyed dinosaurs with a meteorite. It seems a tad bit implausible but then again people believe in Creationism so why not. Bill Nye believes in evolution so he is against this sort of wild and dangerous speculation. Sometimes Daniel is a baller. At least that’s what his Chevy Impala wants him to believe. 

                Daniel rises ‘above the influence’. One too many dreams convince him he would be a crummy, downright dreadful drug dealer. Happy he sticks with snack packs. Everybody loves a snack pack. Planet Earth ends. Aliens look for their friend in Roswell. Two friends go to search for the ancient Mew. Fruity Pebbles are the work of ancient Egyptians. Warnings are given about eyebrows. Pay attention. It is breaking news for a reason. 

                Science transforms Daniel into ‘Snack Boy’ a superhero with the ability to snack, better known as ‘being American’. Begging for kisses makes sense. When Daniel doesn’t have snacks he relies on love. Love is the ultimate snack pack. 

                America is in every one of these stories, whether it is snacking, Pokémon, UFOs, dogs, demons, folklore, or whatever. RADDDDD is full of stories to tell around the campfire late at night with loved ones.