Sans You by Hannah Fantana


                ‘Sans You’ is Hannah Fantana’s growing of age story. While she grows up she gets further away from previous incarnations of herself. This is commonly referred to as aging. The story deals with this ‘aging’ in a non-linear fashion. From the present to further into the past to the present again Telsa lives a life of determining emotions. Every emotion is hyper-analyzed. Poor Telsa wants to live life to the fullest or something. People around Telsa seem to elicit only neutral emotions from young Telsa. Telsa is unable to handle human interaction in a real life manner. Often Telsa worries that others think she is a mean or not particularly responsive. This is reflected in how her parents encourage her to go out with friends. Sometimes her parents fail at this making her sad by asking questions like ‘Are you on drugs’ when she is in a good mood. 

                Much of the book deals with Telsa enjoying herself on the internet.  The internet lacks the intimacy or disappointment of real life. Hence why Hannah enjoys the interactions she has online more than those she has in real life. In real life people annoy her. Various people dislike her (Ari, etc.) for reasons she cannot accurately express or chooses not to divulge. Real life offers little in the way of enjoyment besides twee drugs and twee alcohol. Vodka is twee. However on the internet Telsa comes into her own happy planet of her own devising. Validation on the internet is a huge part of why people go on the internet. Feedback is instant on the internet. Hipster Runoff’s Carles approves of her look calling her cute. What she writes receives ‘likes’ on Facebook. YouTube videos of hers get comments. Why would she look for validation offline? Offline offers few benefits. Online offers many benefits. 

                Life off the internet hurts a little bit for Telsa. She wakes up without water. She fears for her life. During Halloween she drinks with people and blacks out often. People bore her during this time. Her friends hook up in front of her. Decorum is not much of a thing in real life, particularly high school. In high school people generally lack any form of ‘control’. Telsa makes this obvious. Her friends are bored most of the time. They drink. They walk to places for little to no reason eating horrible junk food or health food junk food (almond soy milk). 

                Before her current incarnation she went to Paris France. This trip is described in vivid detail. Apparently it was the first time Telsa imbibed alcohol. Her experience in France consists mostly of drinking, wandering around Paris, and getting hit on by French boys. Ultimately this is similar to her time in California, excluding the whole ‘speaking in French’ thing. Back into California she returns to the present. Then she gets to the ending.

                The ending is beautiful perfect amazing. Everything in the end feels like it is rushing down extremely quickly. Hannah switches the point of view from the third person ‘she’ to the first person ‘I’. Giving it an intimate, heart-felt touch to the story is particularly wonderful. For every little thing is slowed down to a barely moving pace. She learns how to feel. She experiences joy and the closest thing to happiness. Little things become great big things in ‘Sans You’. With these little things she adds up into a big person who appears to be going in the right direction, in a direction not unlike millions before her and millions after her. ‘Sans You’ is a tweenage riot by the cutest girl in alt lit.

Sans You by Hannah Fantana

                ‘Sans You’ is Hannah Fantana’s growing of age story. While she grows up she gets further away from previous incarnations of herself. This is commonly referred to as aging. The story deals with this ‘aging’ in a non-linear fashion. From the present to further into the past to the present again Telsa lives a life of determining emotions. Every emotion is hyper-analyzed. Poor Telsa wants to live life to the fullest or something. People around Telsa seem to elicit only neutral emotions from young Telsa. Telsa is unable to handle human interaction in a real life manner. Often Telsa worries that others think she is a mean or not particularly responsive. This is reflected in how her parents encourage her to go out with friends. Sometimes her parents fail at this making her sad by asking questions like ‘Are you on drugs’ when she is in a good mood. 

                Much of the book deals with Telsa enjoying herself on the internet.  The internet lacks the intimacy or disappointment of real life. Hence why Hannah enjoys the interactions she has online more than those she has in real life. In real life people annoy her. Various people dislike her (Ari, etc.) for reasons she cannot accurately express or chooses not to divulge. Real life offers little in the way of enjoyment besides twee drugs and twee alcohol. Vodka is twee. However on the internet Telsa comes into her own happy planet of her own devising. Validation on the internet is a huge part of why people go on the internet. Feedback is instant on the internet. Hipster Runoff’s Carles approves of her look calling her cute. What she writes receives ‘likes’ on Facebook. YouTube videos of hers get comments. Why would she look for validation offline? Offline offers few benefits. Online offers many benefits. 

                Life off the internet hurts a little bit for Telsa. She wakes up without water. She fears for her life. During Halloween she drinks with people and blacks out often. People bore her during this time. Her friends hook up in front of her. Decorum is not much of a thing in real life, particularly high school. In high school people generally lack any form of ‘control’. Telsa makes this obvious. Her friends are bored most of the time. They drink. They walk to places for little to no reason eating horrible junk food or health food junk food (almond soy milk). 

                Before her current incarnation she went to Paris France. This trip is described in vivid detail. Apparently it was the first time Telsa imbibed alcohol. Her experience in France consists mostly of drinking, wandering around Paris, and getting hit on by French boys. Ultimately this is similar to her time in California, excluding the whole ‘speaking in French’ thing. Back into California she returns to the present. Then she gets to the ending.

                The ending is beautiful perfect amazing. Everything in the end feels like it is rushing down extremely quickly. Hannah switches the point of view from the third person ‘she’ to the first person ‘I’. Giving it an intimate, heart-felt touch to the story is particularly wonderful. For every little thing is slowed down to a barely moving pace. She learns how to feel. She experiences joy and the closest thing to happiness. Little things become great big things in ‘Sans You’. With these little things she adds up into a big person who appears to be going in the right direction, in a direction not unlike millions before her and millions after her. ‘Sans You’ is a tweenage riot by the cutest girl in alt lit.

How to deal with an “Internet Death”

Internet Death is serious. People die on the  internet all the time probably more than in real life. After a certain  period of time, a person loses interest in the internet lifestyle and  gives up. Suddenly all the feedback you received is gone. While in real  life when someone dies it is due to something explainable, internet  death is more difficult to define. How does one choose internet death? I  believe it was Patrick Henry who stated “Give me Internet Liberty or  give me Internet Death”. Once you’ve existed in your current online  state it can become confining. You’re expected to react in a certain  way, have your own writing style and interests. What happens when those  interests change? Do you just start over?

Here’s  where I put in my two cents: I didn’t always used to be ‘Beach Sloth’.  Before I was ‘Beach Sloth’ I had other blogs and interests which  received considerably less attention, less interest. In other words you  could call my previous blogging attempts ‘failures’. They went on for a  long time, I thought by sheer length I might be able to change people’s  minds, offer them something new. None of that occurred. My online  aliases failed to spark interest. Sad, dejected, and mostly ignored I  deleted all my previous posts, writing to start anew with the moniker  ‘Beach Sloth’. Choosing real words was the first step in maximizing  Google search results. I then did an unusual thing with my blog posts  and devoted tender loving care to each one. Those past failures gave me  insight into what new things I could do. By dying on the internet, I got  re-born. You could choose this path, as an online “Phoenix” bursting  out into flame to be born again. For me it worked wonders. Besides, it  allowed me to give up old posts that no longer reflected my  beliefs/attitudes/opinions/etc.

Every  online entity has similar stories. Before they made it big, they had to  try and experiment with a bunch of different formats. Hipster Runoff  has existed for about ’40 blog years’. Since the internet moves at  roughly 10 times the speed of normal life, by now Carles has settled  down with the Mainstreamer and started his career as a painter for the  MoMalt. Carles has a way of avoiding the ‘internet death’ phenomena.  First, he threatens to commit ‘blog suicide’ a couple times a year to  gauge interest. Besides those threats, there’s a more benign force at  working: shedding. The Hipster Runoff blog functions like an insect:  once it becomes too big, too overbearing, it sheds its exoskeleton to  grow into a new, larger shell. More content and topics become available  with each molt. Anyone interested in his older work can still access it  but with some disclaimers stating ‘this or that post is immature’. Or  you could see his natural evolution into a big blog from a tiny music  site. Considering how many bloggers would probably delete a lot of that  early material to keep the same voice is highly unusual. Guess Hipster  Runoff’s claim to ‘get vulnerable’ with us has some truth to it.

These  present two optimistic scenarios. I’m avoiding the big one: you’ll  never see the person online again. A few reasons might exist for this:  they are a useless pothead who forgot their password and can’t be  bothered with it, internet drama, some topic the person was extremely  passionate about for an entire two month period in their senior year of  High School, and the most common one: general disappointment in a lack  of interest. Lack of interest is truly awful. Whenever I see a well-laid  out, thoroughly researched blog with about 18 posts over a two to three  month period I shake my head and walk away. For who knows if I could  have saved them from internet death. Had I gotten to them to convince  them they were doing something good, something valid, and something  important, they might have stayed with it. Usually these kinds of  internet deaths don’t have a dramatic ending: there’s no ‘well this is  the end’. It just ends and that breaks my heart.

Real  life happens. When a blog/online presence ends it often has to do with a  busy schedule in reality, that place which exists off the internet.  This is the easiest ‘internet death’ to accept. The blogger goes on some  indefinite hiatus or decreases the number of posts before this happens.  You’re never surprised by this one. People can experience a natural  detachment from the blog before moving on. Of all the internet deaths,  this one lacks drama. In fact, the blogger comes back after a prolonged  period of time offering a new blog, a new online persona to unleash onto  the world. I’ve experienced this particular event as well, returning to  the internet after a fairly long period of time of inactivity.  Inactivity can be ‘internet death’ depending on the frequency of the  posts.

Many  need answers after an internet death. That’s only natural. We need  explanations. I’ve tried to think of all possible reasons for an  internet death and I know I’ve missed some. The reasons are varied.  We’ll never know why they dropped off the face of the planet. For me not  knowing why is more interesting than the actual reason. Without an  explanation my mind can wander. You’ll find other online friends if you  need them. Just remember it happens every day with people logging off  and changing identities. It’ll be ok. I’m here for you.

How to deal with an “Internet Death”

Internet Death is serious. People die on the internet all the time probably more than in real life. After a certain period of time, a person loses interest in the internet lifestyle and gives up. Suddenly all the feedback you received is gone. While in real life when someone dies it is due to something explainable, internet death is more difficult to define. How does one choose internet death? I believe it was Patrick Henry who stated “Give me Internet Liberty or give me Internet Death”. Once you’ve existed in your current online state it can become confining. You’re expected to react in a certain way, have your own writing style and interests. What happens when those interests change? Do you just start over?

Here’s where I put in my two cents: I didn’t always used to be ‘Beach Sloth’. Before I was ‘Beach Sloth’ I had other blogs and interests which received considerably less attention, less interest. In other words you could call my previous blogging attempts ‘failures’. They went on for a long time, I thought by sheer length I might be able to change people’s minds, offer them something new. None of that occurred. My online aliases failed to spark interest. Sad, dejected, and mostly ignored I deleted all my previous posts, writing to start anew with the moniker ‘Beach Sloth’. Choosing real words was the first step in maximizing Google search results. I then did an unusual thing with my blog posts and devoted tender loving care to each one. Those past failures gave me insight into what new things I could do. By dying on the internet, I got re-born. You could choose this path, as an online “Phoenix” bursting out into flame to be born again. For me it worked wonders. Besides, it allowed me to give up old posts that no longer reflected my beliefs/attitudes/opinions/etc.

Every online entity has similar stories. Before they made it big, they had to try and experiment with a bunch of different formats. Hipster Runoff has existed for about ’40 blog years’. Since the internet moves at roughly 10 times the speed of normal life, by now Carles has settled down with the Mainstreamer and started his career as a painter for the MoMalt. Carles has a way of avoiding the ‘internet death’ phenomena. First, he threatens to commit ‘blog suicide’ a couple times a year to gauge interest. Besides those threats, there’s a more benign force at working: shedding. The Hipster Runoff blog functions like an insect: once it becomes too big, too overbearing, it sheds its exoskeleton to grow into a new, larger shell. More content and topics become available with each molt. Anyone interested in his older work can still access it but with some disclaimers stating ‘this or that post is immature’. Or you could see his natural evolution into a big blog from a tiny music site. Considering how many bloggers would probably delete a lot of that early material to keep the same voice is highly unusual. Guess Hipster Runoff’s claim to ‘get vulnerable’ with us has some truth to it.

These present two optimistic scenarios. I’m avoiding the big one: you’ll never see the person online again. A few reasons might exist for this: they are a useless pothead who forgot their password and can’t be bothered with it, internet drama, some topic the person was extremely passionate about for an entire two month period in their senior year of High School, and the most common one: general disappointment in a lack of interest. Lack of interest is truly awful. Whenever I see a well-laid out, thoroughly researched blog with about 18 posts over a two to three month period I shake my head and walk away. For who knows if I could have saved them from internet death. Had I gotten to them to convince them they were doing something good, something valid, and something important, they might have stayed with it. Usually these kinds of internet deaths don’t have a dramatic ending: there’s no ‘well this is the end’. It just ends and that breaks my heart.

Real life happens. When a blog/online presence ends it often has to do with a busy schedule in reality, that place which exists off the internet. This is the easiest ‘internet death’ to accept. The blogger goes on some indefinite hiatus or decreases the number of posts before this happens. You’re never surprised by this one. People can experience a natural detachment from the blog before moving on. Of all the internet deaths, this one lacks drama. In fact, the blogger comes back after a prolonged period of time offering a new blog, a new online persona to unleash onto the world. I’ve experienced this particular event as well, returning to the internet after a fairly long period of time of inactivity. Inactivity can be ‘internet death’ depending on the frequency of the posts.

Many need answers after an internet death. That’s only natural. We need explanations. I’ve tried to think of all possible reasons for an internet death and I know I’ve missed some. The reasons are varied. We’ll never know why they dropped off the face of the planet. For me not knowing why is more interesting than the actual reason. Without an explanation my mind can wander. You’ll find other online friends if you need them. Just remember it happens every day with people logging off and changing identities. It’ll be ok. I’m here for you.

     Recently the New York Times had an article which hit a bit too close to home: blogs were declining in popularity. I sat there, reading up, tears welling up in my eyes at the horrible news. That draft I had been working on my blog might not be as significant anymore or remotely significant. Wondering if this was true all over, high-tailed it over to Hipster Runoff. After seeing Carles’ absolutely pathetic and sad meta-joke on the entire online hipster community ‘The Mainstreamer’ I thought they might be right. 

                Composing myself, I realized the New York Times hasn’t been right about a lot of things. Maybe there was something more than news compelling them to write such vicious material. The writers of the New York Times must know their days of being a newspaper are limited. Who are they to report on blogs and the state of blog affairs? Why can’t we have the President of the Blog-O-Sphere come out and reject such slander in her state of the Blog Address.

                “The State of our Blog has never been stronger. We produce more Memes than any other country on Earth.”

                While some people have turned exclusively to twitter and Facebook, most use them as supplements, rather than full-on platforms. In other words, you have to have tough skin for the internet. Michael McDonald, the young man they profiled in their extended piece, clearly didn’t have the guts for what blog life is all about. Rather than expand his blogging presence through dubious tweets and so on, he went all lame on it. Using the gripe of ‘not enough people visited my blog’ he closed up shop for good.

                If I were this kid’s friend, I would have told him to stick with it. Blogging takes a long time; it is more of a slow burn than a flare up. Simply posting stuff up doesn’t mean you’re going to get noticed, you’ve got to be creative. Create a Facebook profile whose single purpose is trolling other sites, implanting your blog presence elsewhere. Begin to connect with other bloggers, write something people want to read. Technical blogs don’t do so hot; you have to inject some truth and understanding into there at some point. Stating ‘all the people I want to reach are on Facebook’ it is clear he wanted positive feedback rather than constructive criticism (I’ve been able to accept constructive criticism due to my arm’s length approach to this doodad).

                Children 12 to 17 saw a 50% decrease in the amount of blogging. Good, what the fuck do tweens blog about? I don’t really care about how hard you have it in Middle School, in High School. I’m sorry lunch today was applesauce, lasagna, and cornbread, but just eat it. You have to go through some serious stuff, some interesting stuff before you can write turgid, long-winded posts like the ones better bloggers have. 

                Showing a decrease in the amount of bloggers doesn’t bother me in the least. Thinning the ranks a little bit can be a good thing. Having become familiar with other blogs, I’d say there’s always better and better stuff coming out. By staying around longer, you can ‘hone’ your ‘blogging chops’ and do a better job. Writing doesn’t come naturally to me; I had to work at this kind of work. Hopefully I’ve become a little better of a writer through various amounts of criticism. 

                Blogs offer a certain amount of conversation. I enjoy speaking with other bloggers. We help one another and form a community which is strong. Sure, I think the opinionated tag works for a lot of blogs, but those tend to be more political blogs, something I try to avoid on here. Besides, in case you’re more interested in the visual arts, Tumblr offers a great way of showing off your skills, probably much better than Blogspot does.

                Don’t let the New York Times lord over you. Stay strong fellow writers, bloggers, Google Bombers, Flarfers, and whatever else exists exclusively on the internet that I haven’t mentioned. Together we’ll make these Chains of Love.

     Recently the New York Times had an article which hit a bit too close to home: blogs were declining in popularity. I sat there, reading up, tears welling up in my eyes at the horrible news. That draft I had been working on my blog might not be as significant anymore or remotely significant. Wondering if this was true all over, high-tailed it over to Hipster Runoff. After seeing Carles’ absolutely pathetic and sad meta-joke on the entire online hipster community ‘The Mainstreamer’ I thought they might be right. 

                Composing myself, I realized the New York Times hasn’t been right about a lot of things. Maybe there was something more than news compelling them to write such vicious material. The writers of the New York Times must know their days of being a newspaper are limited. Who are they to report on blogs and the state of blog affairs? Why can’t we have the President of the Blog-O-Sphere come out and reject such slander in her state of the Blog Address.

                “The State of our Blog has never been stronger. We produce more Memes than any other country on Earth.”

                While some people have turned exclusively to twitter and Facebook, most use them as supplements, rather than full-on platforms. In other words, you have to have tough skin for the internet. Michael McDonald, the young man they profiled in their extended piece, clearly didn’t have the guts for what blog life is all about. Rather than expand his blogging presence through dubious tweets and so on, he went all lame on it. Using the gripe of ‘not enough people visited my blog’ he closed up shop for good.

                If I were this kid’s friend, I would have told him to stick with it. Blogging takes a long time; it is more of a slow burn than a flare up. Simply posting stuff up doesn’t mean you’re going to get noticed, you’ve got to be creative. Create a Facebook profile whose single purpose is trolling other sites, implanting your blog presence elsewhere. Begin to connect with other bloggers, write something people want to read. Technical blogs don’t do so hot; you have to inject some truth and understanding into there at some point. Stating ‘all the people I want to reach are on Facebook’ it is clear he wanted positive feedback rather than constructive criticism (I’ve been able to accept constructive criticism due to my arm’s length approach to this doodad).

                Children 12 to 17 saw a 50% decrease in the amount of blogging. Good, what the fuck do tweens blog about? I don’t really care about how hard you have it in Middle School, in High School. I’m sorry lunch today was applesauce, lasagna, and cornbread, but just eat it. You have to go through some serious stuff, some interesting stuff before you can write turgid, long-winded posts like the ones better bloggers have. 

                Showing a decrease in the amount of bloggers doesn’t bother me in the least. Thinning the ranks a little bit can be a good thing. Having become familiar with other blogs, I’d say there’s always better and better stuff coming out. By staying around longer, you can ‘hone’ your ‘blogging chops’ and do a better job. Writing doesn’t come naturally to me; I had to work at this kind of work. Hopefully I’ve become a little better of a writer through various amounts of criticism. 

                Blogs offer a certain amount of conversation. I enjoy speaking with other bloggers. We help one another and form a community which is strong. Sure, I think the opinionated tag works for a lot of blogs, but those tend to be more political blogs, something I try to avoid on here. Besides, in case you’re more interested in the visual arts, Tumblr offers a great way of showing off your skills, probably much better than Blogspot does.

                Don’t let the New York Times lord over you. Stay strong fellow writers, bloggers, Google Bombers, Flarfers, and whatever else exists exclusively on the internet that I haven’t mentioned. Together we’ll make these Chains of Love.

HIPSTER RUNOFF VALENTINE’S DAY QT CONTEST

    Carles needs somebody, someone like you. As Valentine’s Day approached, he realized buzzbands couldn’t warm him in these cold winter nights. Someone needed to be there, to care for him, to heart for him, and to help him become a more alternative person. Maybe Carles has become such a resident of the internet he’s forgotten how to love, and wants to learn how to experience a true human emotion. Sure, his transform into a computer helps him at Jeopardy but at the end of the day no one cares about that victory besides old people who are going to die relatively soon.

                What brought this need to love again? Could it be the coming of the most artificially romantic day of the year, Valentine’s Day? Part of me wants to say no, Carles is better than that, but he probably isn’t. He’s fond of ‘getting vulnerable’ with us, so part of his vulnerability is feeling lonely, needing true IRL friends besides Tao Lin, who lives in Brooklyn anyway and can’t rock him to sleep in his arms.

                Anyway, he suffered a few devastating setbacks this week. “Whoisarcadefire” a meme blog about the reaction of countless millions, ended up beating Carles to the punch about the Arcade Fire Grammy nomination. By that point, Carles realized what had happened to his blog. No longer did he have the energy to do the backbreaking Google searches required for decent meme coverage. His blog serves as ‘blog fertilizer’ in two ways: 

1. it inspires bloggers to come up with new ideas.
2. Some of Carles’s articles are pieces of shit.

                Below I want to introduce to some of the people who wanted to connect with Carles more than he wanted to connect with them. While they are able to put up their faces (and sometimes breasts), he remains in the shadows, unwilling to reveal himself. Maybe the success of this will lead to the ‘Hipster Runoff Dating Site’. We’ll see. I hope you learn about each one of these contestants. Note I didn’t include everybody.

1.       #palmqt – Seems cute.
2.       #postjuno – I wish she had a second half to her face.
3.       #wedidit – possesses a lot of confidence and obvious artistic skills.
4.       #chillwavebb – though she’s adorable, she’s unobtainable. Note the boyfriend taking the picture in the background. I’m sorry Carles.
5.       #B&Nbabe – Personally, this might help Carles get out of his ‘text speak’ phase. Having a literature valentine might not teach him how to heart, but also how to write.
6.       #whateverQT – Her approach to Valentine’s Day as ‘whatever’ meshes well with Carles’s attitude of ‘whatever’ towards life itself.
7.       #meme4evr – This is the coolest pirate eye patch I’ve ever seen.
8.       #sunflower_alt_qt – Coming from the Midwest into the big city. Aw. Plus, she misspelled Valentine.
9.       Blipster_alt_breasts – What is wrong with people? I don’t get why so few voted for this obviously awesome and excellent person. She can teach Carles how to be cool again, and how to be more relevant. I heavily suggest voting for her.
10.   #beminebro – We begin to look at Carles’s male gender Valentine’s Day companions. Most of who use cigarettes for some reason.
11.   #rostambro – Here’s a true bro, in the best sense of the word.
12.   #d8qt – I think hair covering half your face is awesome.
13.   #squalorbb – Looking at her, I get a strong sense she’s a vegan and at some point lived on a commune in Northern California.
14.   #carlesbian – Mixing two words together to create a new one? This is a good idea, as is the hair color.
15.   #ih8peens – She’s just great. Also, ‘brojob’ might need to get added to the Urban Dictionary. Just saying.
16.   #Republican_Bro – Worth millions of dollars. Lives in Florida. Buff. What are you waiting for Carles?
17.   #grifter – Knowledge of Hipster Grifter meme & cute is an infinite win.
18.   #pizzahutalt – I think she does a radio show too, so she probably knows more than Carles about buzzbands (via Carles mentioning the same dozen or so over and over again).
19.   #buzzbitch – She’s actually really nice. She lives in New York. I live in New York. She needs a hipster boyfriend. I’ve reviewed about 150 different albums all with high degrees of obscurity. To her I say ‘Sup’. I heavily suggest voting for her.
20.   #hornie4carles – Um, she mixes adorability with a look that tells me she can kick my ass if she wanted.
21.   #panerabro – He lives in a better apartment than I do. To be honest, I’m jealous. In fact, he might be the most financially secure contestant. I heavily suggest voting for him.
22.   #projectgirl - Mere words can’t describe how wonderful a person she has been to Beach Sloth, back when I was even less popular than I am now (a hard thing to picture, I know).  I heavily suggest voting for her.
23.   #wavvcoast – Being able to draw a cartoon cat is always a key skill.
24.   #AliceGlassQT – A cutie.
25.   #slutwaver – In her poem, she stated the importance of her ass. By the second picture, she revealed a more ‘saucy’ photo.
I wonder whether or not naming a new winner will end up like the ‘SnacksGirl’, where we get about 2-3 posts about her and she goes back to living a normal alternative existence. Or will the winner grab the spotlight and become a star. A third choice would be Carles finds ‘true love’ and settles down to become a music teacher in an affluent suburb, willing to give up the blog for the cool dad lifestyle with three adorable children.

HIPSTER RUNOFF VALENTINE’S DAY QT CONTEST

    Carles needs somebody, someone like you. As Valentine’s Day approached, he realized buzzbands couldn’t warm him in these cold winter nights. Someone needed to be there, to care for him, to heart for him, and to help him become a more alternative person. Maybe Carles has become such a resident of the internet he’s forgotten how to love, and wants to learn how to experience a true human emotion. Sure, his transform into a computer helps him at Jeopardy but at the end of the day no one cares about that victory besides old people who are going to die relatively soon.

                What brought this need to love again? Could it be the coming of the most artificially romantic day of the year, Valentine’s Day? Part of me wants to say no, Carles is better than that, but he probably isn’t. He’s fond of ‘getting vulnerable’ with us, so part of his vulnerability is feeling lonely, needing true IRL friends besides Tao Lin, who lives in Brooklyn anyway and can’t rock him to sleep in his arms.

                Anyway, he suffered a few devastating setbacks this week. “Whoisarcadefire” a meme blog about the reaction of countless millions, ended up beating Carles to the punch about the Arcade Fire Grammy nomination. By that point, Carles realized what had happened to his blog. No longer did he have the energy to do the backbreaking Google searches required for decent meme coverage. His blog serves as ‘blog fertilizer’ in two ways: 

1. it inspires bloggers to come up with new ideas.

2. Some of Carles’s articles are pieces of shit.

                Below I want to introduce to some of the people who wanted to connect with Carles more than he wanted to connect with them. While they are able to put up their faces (and sometimes breasts), he remains in the shadows, unwilling to reveal himself. Maybe the success of this will lead to the ‘Hipster Runoff Dating Site’. We’ll see. I hope you learn about each one of these contestants. Note I didn’t include everybody.

1.       #palmqt – Seems cute.

2.       #postjuno – I wish she had a second half to her face.

3.       #wedidit – possesses a lot of confidence and obvious artistic skills.

4.       #chillwavebb – though she’s adorable, she’s unobtainable. Note the boyfriend taking the picture in the background. I’m sorry Carles.

5.       #B&Nbabe – Personally, this might help Carles get out of his ‘text speak’ phase. Having a literature valentine might not teach him how to heart, but also how to write.

6.       #whateverQT – Her approach to Valentine’s Day as ‘whatever’ meshes well with Carles’s attitude of ‘whatever’ towards life itself.

7.       #meme4evr – This is the coolest pirate eye patch I’ve ever seen.

8.       #sunflower_alt_qt – Coming from the Midwest into the big city. Aw. Plus, she misspelled Valentine.

9.       Blipster_alt_breasts – What is wrong with people? I don’t get why so few voted for this obviously awesome and excellent person. She can teach Carles how to be cool again, and how to be more relevant. I heavily suggest voting for her.

10.   #beminebro – We begin to look at Carles’s male gender Valentine’s Day companions. Most of who use cigarettes for some reason.

11.   #rostambro – Here’s a true bro, in the best sense of the word.

12.   #d8qt – I think hair covering half your face is awesome.

13.   #squalorbb – Looking at her, I get a strong sense she’s a vegan and at some point lived on a commune in Northern California.

14.   #carlesbian – Mixing two words together to create a new one? This is a good idea, as is the hair color.

15.   #ih8peens – She’s just great. Also, ‘brojob’ might need to get added to the Urban Dictionary. Just saying.

16.   #Republican_Bro – Worth millions of dollars. Lives in Florida. Buff. What are you waiting for Carles?

17.   #grifter – Knowledge of Hipster Grifter meme & cute is an infinite win.

18.   #pizzahutalt – I think she does a radio show too, so she probably knows more than Carles about buzzbands (via Carles mentioning the same dozen or so over and over again).

19.   #buzzbitch – She’s actually really nice. She lives in New York. I live in New York. She needs a hipster boyfriend. I’ve reviewed about 150 different albums all with high degrees of obscurity. To her I say ‘Sup’. I heavily suggest voting for her.

20.   #hornie4carles – Um, she mixes adorability with a look that tells me she can kick my ass if she wanted.

21.   #panerabro – He lives in a better apartment than I do. To be honest, I’m jealous. In fact, he might be the most financially secure contestant. I heavily suggest voting for him.

22.   #projectgirl - Mere words can’t describe how wonderful a person she has been to Beach Sloth, back when I was even less popular than I am now (a hard thing to picture, I know).  I heavily suggest voting for her.

23.   #wavvcoast – Being able to draw a cartoon cat is always a key skill.

24.   #AliceGlassQT – A cutie.

25.   #slutwaver – In her poem, she stated the importance of her ass. By the second picture, she revealed a more ‘saucy’ photo.

I wonder whether or not naming a new winner will end up like the ‘SnacksGirl’, where we get about 2-3 posts about her and she goes back to living a normal alternative existence. Or will the winner grab the spotlight and become a star. A third choice would be Carles finds ‘true love’ and settles down to become a music teacher in an affluent suburb, willing to give up the blog for the cool dad lifestyle with three adorable children.


                Two weeks have passed since I last covered the online hipster phenomena known as “Hipster Runoff”. A lot has happened in those two weeks. 2011 is the year Carles ‘pulls out all the stops’ and truly solidifies his online presence, since the internet has fully sucked him in. My wondering of him existing as a human being only increases upon this event.

                Of course, I’m talking about Hipster Runoff [official] coming onto Facebook. At first I was confused, like didn’t Hipster Runoff already exist on Facebook. Apparently that was a fake profile and this one was the real thing. So now you get updates from every single part of your online existence, from your RSS feed to your twitter, now finally making it to Facebook. 


                 I rushed in, becoming one of the select few to claim they got there early. Sadly, ‘second’ was already taken by Carles himself, eliminating the joy one might have derived from this action. Who got first? That proved to be ok, it was nice seeing Carles expose himself, his true self, and via the anonymous presence he has on the internet.

                While I said before that Hipster Runoff becoming a dating site, well I was wrong. Its presence on Facebook is a whole another matter. None of those people posting on HRO generally had a picture up of themselves. Looking through the profiles of the people posting, I am surprised at the amount of cuteness. Some of them look like perfect alt-baguettes. I’m half-tempted to sort of flirt with them, but I shouldn’t though I probably will anyway. For both men and women, there are serious HILFs (Hipsters I’d like to Fuck) in the group. 

                Oddly, I’m assuming this is why Carles set up a Facebook fan page in the first place. Some may think it is just another gimmick for Hipster Runoff to get more readers. I don’t think that, this appears to be a genius way for Carles to flirt with cute twenty-somethings. Sure, that hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I would put $20 on it since he already does that with Twitter.






           
               People act differently as well now that they have a picture associated with their words. They could hide behind an anonymous name, spewing nonsense before this. Actually, I like seeing what the commenters looked like. I felt a bit sad since only one of my other friends ended up liking it on Facebook. Clearly she ‘gets it’ while the rest of my friends are busy reading books by Karl Marx and working on their Grad School thesis. 

                 2011  might be the year that Hipster Runoff gains some relevancy again. Lately Carles has been almost in crisis  mode, constantly adding more and more to connect with him. We can call him,  have him talk to us on Facebook, I wonder what’s next? Will Carles have a Skype interview? Will Carles visit your house and drink a couple of beers with  you for 4 easy payments of $19.95? I’m a bit curious. He tried to charge  $3000 for having him hand-deliver his shirts, and that didn’t work. But  he might try again, who knows.

                Right now he’s taking on the persona of a kid who just joined Facebook. He asks his followers to tag pictures of him. This is funny because not only is it impossible to tag a fan page, but no one knows at all what he looks like or where he is. He pokes fun at the oversharing on the internet by deliberately providing incorrect information. 6969 Blog Avenue is not a real address, so please do not address mail to him, as he will not be able to receive it. 

                Parts of the group worry me.  Some people are wondering if Carles spends too much on Facebook and whether or not it’ll dilute his blog further. I wonder. I ponder the effects of his writing after being exposed to so many people. Does writing suffer upon being discovered by more people, of tweaking your writing for a particular audience? Having read his early stuff, I get the distinct impression he’s going to spend 2k11 trying to find what made HRO so special in the first place.

                These gimmicks buy him some time. With each one of these gimmicks, people focus more on his online presence and perhaps less on new styles he may be trying out. Hopefully he’ll be able to coin a new genre like he did in 2K9, I’m not sure if I count “Slutwave” as a genre or as a general observation, reflecting more on the packaging rather than the actual content.

                Stay tuned for more public insecurity from Carles as he takes on new personas and perhaps changes up his style and approach yet again.


                Two weeks have passed since I last covered the online hipster phenomena known as “Hipster Runoff”. A lot has happened in those two weeks. 2011 is the year Carles ‘pulls out all the stops’ and truly solidifies his online presence, since the internet has fully sucked him in. My wondering of him existing as a human being only increases upon this event.

                Of course, I’m talking about Hipster Runoff [official] coming onto Facebook. At first I was confused, like didn’t Hipster Runoff already exist on Facebook. Apparently that was a fake profile and this one was the real thing. So now you get updates from every single part of your online existence, from your RSS feed to your twitter, now finally making it to Facebook. 

                 I rushed in, becoming one of the select few to claim they got there early. Sadly, ‘second’ was already taken by Carles himself, eliminating the joy one might have derived from this action. Who got first? That proved to be ok, it was nice seeing Carles expose himself, his true self, and via the anonymous presence he has on the internet.

                While I said before that Hipster Runoff becoming a dating site, well I was wrong. Its presence on Facebook is a whole another matter. None of those people posting on HRO generally had a picture up of themselves. Looking through the profiles of the people posting, I am surprised at the amount of cuteness. Some of them look like perfect alt-baguettes. I’m half-tempted to sort of flirt with them, but I shouldn’t though I probably will anyway. For both men and women, there are serious HILFs (Hipsters I’d like to Fuck) in the group. 

                Oddly, I’m assuming this is why Carles set up a Facebook fan page in the first place. Some may think it is just another gimmick for Hipster Runoff to get more readers. I don’t think that, this appears to be a genius way for Carles to flirt with cute twenty-somethings. Sure, that hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I would put $20 on it since he already does that with Twitter.

           

               People act differently as well now that they have a picture associated with their words. They could hide behind an anonymous name, spewing nonsense before this. Actually, I like seeing what the commenters looked like. I felt a bit sad since only one of my other friends ended up liking it on Facebook. Clearly she ‘gets it’ while the rest of my friends are busy reading books by Karl Marx and working on their Grad School thesis. 

                 2011 might be the year that Hipster Runoff gains some relevancy again. Lately Carles has been almost in crisis mode, constantly adding more and more to connect with him. We can call him, have him talk to us on Facebook, I wonder what’s next? Will Carles have a Skype interview? Will Carles visit your house and drink a couple of beers with you for 4 easy payments of $19.95? I’m a bit curious. He tried to charge $3000 for having him hand-deliver his shirts, and that didn’t work. But he might try again, who knows.

                Right now he’s taking on the persona of a kid who just joined Facebook. He asks his followers to tag pictures of him. This is funny because not only is it impossible to tag a fan page, but no one knows at all what he looks like or where he is. He pokes fun at the oversharing on the internet by deliberately providing incorrect information. 6969 Blog Avenue is not a real address, so please do not address mail to him, as he will not be able to receive it. 

                Parts of the group worry me.  Some people are wondering if Carles spends too much on Facebook and whether or not it’ll dilute his blog further. I wonder. I ponder the effects of his writing after being exposed to so many people. Does writing suffer upon being discovered by more people, of tweaking your writing for a particular audience? Having read his early stuff, I get the distinct impression he’s going to spend 2k11 trying to find what made HRO so special in the first place.

                These gimmicks buy him some time. With each one of these gimmicks, people focus more on his online presence and perhaps less on new styles he may be trying out. Hopefully he’ll be able to coin a new genre like he did in 2K9, I’m not sure if I count “Slutwave” as a genre or as a general observation, reflecting more on the packaging rather than the actual content.

                Stay tuned for more public insecurity from Carles as he takes on new personas and perhaps changes up his style and approach yet again.

MDMA Films: Bebe Zeva Preview

                A teaser trailer came out today showing off the relationship between Tao Lin and Bebe Zeva. I’ll be honest; I found some of the earlier video trailers to be nothing more than valentines Tao and Megan made together. With this particular outing, Tao’s discovered a little thing called “Editing”. Usually the previews for most of this stuff appear to be random scenes taken at random. Here he has it formatted in such a way that people might actually want to ‘see’ it.

                I’ll be honest: from the first time I mentioned Tao Lin on here, he’s grown on me. When you first encounter his zany weirdness, you wonder “Is this guy serious? Is it all a ruse?” The more you encounter him, read his books, watch his ‘movies’ the more those answers don’t matter. Basically, you get the impression from this trailer that he and Bebe are good friends. Despite their obvious age differences, they seem to be peas in a pod regarding temperament at least. Seeing them together, their sense of humor meshes well, and they do approach something verging on wit. 

                Megan is in the background for this trailer. Rather than being someone to throw a damp, wet towel on, she is in the background. Maybe their idea is to adopt Bebe, forming an unstoppable trio of zaniness. I can’t even think of how much money they’d get from their parents if they adopted someone, particularly if they don’t actually need to provide her with anything, since she already has parents. I only put this idea out there since Tao’s been trolling his own Though Catalog pieces, asking for somebody to loan him $5000. For a brief moment, I almost offered a $5,000 loan to him, but I decided against it since I’d have to reveal my true identity which he could sell for an additional $12. Didn’t want to risk it, I will need a lot more than that very shortly anyway.

                Watching it, it looks focused. Probably this is the most focused effort I’ve seen from the MDMA films. It has a point, to explore Bebe’s psyche and reveal her innermost thoughts, like how many twitter followers a toothbrush or public toilet seat might have. You know; the really important, core of my existence type of stuff. 

                Perhaps I’m the audience for this: it sure can meander (MDMA films have that as a principle I guess) but it is definitely their most appealing outing. Everything, even the inventions (like how they pretend she’s homeless) is funny. I enjoy things where there’s no concrete plot or organized structure. It appears to have been fairly well-edited and if you’re fond of Bebe or Tao (and many people are fans of both) it offers you something great.

                The biggest selling point is how it may attract new followers to Bebe. Honestly, there was a lot of ambivalence about who was cooler: Bebe or Project Girl on the hit blog Hipster Runoff. Now the two seem to be working together. And if you didn’t like Bebe before, either finding her too haughty or self-aware, this is a good place to realize why she became the model for Hipster Runoff. She seems actually really nice in this, like a person you’d want to be friends with. 

                Easily this is the best MDMA films trailer ever. One might be tempted to buy it for reasons other than Tao Lin/Megan Boyle charity and it is out now. Perhaps I judged the project wrong; this little glimpse is making me almost re-consider my original harsh assessment of their idea. I’ll have more of an open mind for their future previews. 

                In closing:

                “You’re the cutest homeless girl I have ever met in my life.”

Carles is an important figure in the feedback loop that is the blog-o-sphere. Beach Sloth has given him more than ample coverage, due to boredom and general interest in his blog. In 2010, his blog failed hard. It was the worst thing I’ve ever encountered online since those women that step on cats with high-heeled shoes. Speaking to his listeners from his last podcast of 2010 before he went out and partied in the New Year, he promised change. Change we could believe in.

                For a moment I thought he was just bullshitting us. As the wise man John McCain once said about Hipster Runoff’s site re-designs: “That’s not change, that’s more of the same.” I wondered if Carles would go back to his tricks, covering useless characters possessing various degrees of unchill. We’d laugh at how silly they were from our ivory tower of ironic detachment, and he’d laugh from his ultra-sarcastic impenetrable castle of snarky attitude.

                Here I had some positive things in my life yet felt down. Those positive things will take time to get to me but will ultimately be fulfilling. In the interim, I need to kill the next couple of months as I wait for my accomplishment to bear fruit. To do that, I need important blogs to keep me sane as I go through these challenges to arrive at my goal. What I hoped for was that Carles could keep me amused for roughly six months.

                Going onto Hipster Runoff in 2011 was a whole new world, via Aladdin from the taste-making production company Walt Disney.  I was shocked with some of the new features Carles created in his infinite whatever emotion he experiences. Now you could have your own profile, a corner of his site that you could call your own. At first I thought Hipster Runoff was becoming a dating site for alts. Then, thinking twice, I realized how silly that was. Instead, I figured it would work as a “Casual Encounters” section, the way that Craiglist used to have before the Craiglist killer went around killing people. If someone got killed for that Hipster Runoff casual encounter, I could imagine the amount of traffic Carles’s site would get. Then at the trial the murdered could do a bunch of band name-dropping, impressing the jury. 

                What I got was something different. Immediately my blog traffic increased exponentially. Now I created a brand piggybacking off of his. I felt glad that Carles didn’t resort to leaking pictures of his penis like Kanye West, in an attempt to generate buzz. But still, I noticed the comments ended up being significantly less than before. Maybe quality was more important than quantity. I don’t know. I did know the registered users enjoyed firsts the most.

                Then I saw it, the thing that changed Hipster Runoff forever. Besides having the profiles to create a more unique viewing experience, there was a hotline. Honestly, I don’t know whether or not I’d trust Carles on helping me with the ladies. Since he’s anonymous, I don’t know if he ‘has game’ or ‘is attractive’. All I know is I occasionally laugh at his articles and he entertains me. Could he really offer advice without his trademark douchebag wit? I wanted to find out.

                909-276-7542 (BRO-SKI2) ended up being the number to call. Part of me wanted to call, but I didn’t. Since the profiles freaked me out a bit and felt ‘casual encounters’-esque, I thought that the hotline would be some sort of hipster sex hotline where he’d try to seduce young women by going through his MP3 collection in his masculine voice. 

                A   Podcast came out of the questions. I listened, curious as to what was wrong with people and their lives. Nothing in my life presented itself as a reason for me to call him; I had close friends in the blog-o-sphere who helped me through the good times and the bad. Those people know who they are, following me every which way on my path to enlightenment. I’d like to thank them for being there, and I hope someday I can be there for them, to be a light in the darkness.

                Carles did an unusual thing with the Podcast: he had a point. Usually they tend to ramble on, like a creative writing assignment gone amuck. Like America’s botched effort to liberate Cuba from Communism in the Bay of Pigs. Hearing my peers, I felt better. Their problems stemmed from robbing liquor stores. My problems are nowhere near that stupid. Some had problems being too alt, or with college. Those I could relate to, and I was glad they asked it. Perhaps some of the people who asked those questions are reading this right now. I want them to know I’ll be there for them as well, but I will not be doing a Podcast at any foreseeable point in time. Instead, if they have questions, they can go to my forumspring, which is the poor man’s help hotline.

                I don’t know why I write about Carles’s blog so much. Most of it has to do with the volume of stuff I write on here, and there ought to be some developing stories. By this point, I’m approaching that Rob Horning guy who does the HRO Exegesis blog. The hotline thing sounded like a success with a great amount of participation from the readers. Maybe I write about him because I want him to be my friend. Or I could use some solid blog-hit creating material. Hope someday I can “bro out” with him or Gchat, but I’m painfully shy so neither will happen.





PS:          Those reasons are partly true, but the real reason is he owes me buzzbucks. One previous reader stated that I just got paid a bunch of buzzbucks. Well, I didn’t. Carles owes me buzzbucks.

Carles is an important figure in the feedback loop that is the blog-o-sphere. Beach Sloth has given him more than ample coverage, due to boredom and general interest in his blog. In 2010, his blog failed hard. It was the worst thing I’ve ever encountered online since those women that step on cats with high-heeled shoes. Speaking to his listeners from his last podcast of 2010 before he went out and partied in the New Year, he promised change. Change we could believe in.

                For a moment I thought he was just bullshitting us. As the wise man John McCain once said about Hipster Runoff’s site re-designs: “That’s not change, that’s more of the same.” I wondered if Carles would go back to his tricks, covering useless characters possessing various degrees of unchill. We’d laugh at how silly they were from our ivory tower of ironic detachment, and he’d laugh from his ultra-sarcastic impenetrable castle of snarky attitude.

                Here I had some positive things in my life yet felt down. Those positive things will take time to get to me but will ultimately be fulfilling. In the interim, I need to kill the next couple of months as I wait for my accomplishment to bear fruit. To do that, I need important blogs to keep me sane as I go through these challenges to arrive at my goal. What I hoped for was that Carles could keep me amused for roughly six months.

                Going onto Hipster Runoff in 2011 was a whole new world, via Aladdin from the taste-making production company Walt Disney.  I was shocked with some of the new features Carles created in his infinite whatever emotion he experiences. Now you could have your own profile, a corner of his site that you could call your own. At first I thought Hipster Runoff was becoming a dating site for alts. Then, thinking twice, I realized how silly that was. Instead, I figured it would work as a “Casual Encounters” section, the way that Craiglist used to have before the Craiglist killer went around killing people. If someone got killed for that Hipster Runoff casual encounter, I could imagine the amount of traffic Carles’s site would get. Then at the trial the murdered could do a bunch of band name-dropping, impressing the jury. 

                What I got was something different. Immediately my blog traffic increased exponentially. Now I created a brand piggybacking off of his. I felt glad that Carles didn’t resort to leaking pictures of his penis like Kanye West, in an attempt to generate buzz. But still, I noticed the comments ended up being significantly less than before. Maybe quality was more important than quantity. I don’t know. I did know the registered users enjoyed firsts the most.

                Then I saw it, the thing that changed Hipster Runoff forever. Besides having the profiles to create a more unique viewing experience, there was a hotline. Honestly, I don’t know whether or not I’d trust Carles on helping me with the ladies. Since he’s anonymous, I don’t know if he ‘has game’ or ‘is attractive’. All I know is I occasionally laugh at his articles and he entertains me. Could he really offer advice without his trademark douchebag wit? I wanted to find out.

                909-276-7542 (BRO-SKI2) ended up being the number to call. Part of me wanted to call, but I didn’t. Since the profiles freaked me out a bit and felt ‘casual encounters’-esque, I thought that the hotline would be some sort of hipster sex hotline where he’d try to seduce young women by going through his MP3 collection in his masculine voice. 

                A Podcast came out of the questions. I listened, curious as to what was wrong with people and their lives. Nothing in my life presented itself as a reason for me to call him; I had close friends in the blog-o-sphere who helped me through the good times and the bad. Those people know who they are, following me every which way on my path to enlightenment. I’d like to thank them for being there, and I hope someday I can be there for them, to be a light in the darkness.

                Carles did an unusual thing with the Podcast: he had a point. Usually they tend to ramble on, like a creative writing assignment gone amuck. Like America’s botched effort to liberate Cuba from Communism in the Bay of Pigs. Hearing my peers, I felt better. Their problems stemmed from robbing liquor stores. My problems are nowhere near that stupid. Some had problems being too alt, or with college. Those I could relate to, and I was glad they asked it. Perhaps some of the people who asked those questions are reading this right now. I want them to know I’ll be there for them as well, but I will not be doing a Podcast at any foreseeable point in time. Instead, if they have questions, they can go to my forumspring, which is the poor man’s help hotline.

                I don’t know why I write about Carles’s blog so much. Most of it has to do with the volume of stuff I write on here, and there ought to be some developing stories. By this point, I’m approaching that Rob Horning guy who does the HRO Exegesis blog. The hotline thing sounded like a success with a great amount of participation from the readers. Maybe I write about him because I want him to be my friend. Or I could use some solid blog-hit creating material. Hope someday I can “bro out” with him or Gchat, but I’m painfully shy so neither will happen.

PS:          Those reasons are partly true, but the real reason is he owes me buzzbucks. One previous reader stated that I just got paid a bunch of buzzbucks. Well, I didn’t. Carles owes me buzzbucks.

 True Love DOESN’T wait: Tao Lin and Megan Boyle Married!
     Previously Beach Sloth covered the flowering relationship between alt writers Megan Boyle and Tao Lin. Watching them grow on each other, become each other’s romantic interest, and made countless readers swoon. I hoped that they could come together to create future writers (via sexual reproduction).
                Well, I have great news for you. Those who thought this would be just a gimmick; you’ve either been proven very right or very wrong. On Saturday, January 8th, in the year 2011 of our Lord, Tao Lin and Megan combined forces in holy matrimony. Now they are recognized by law as being lawfully wed in the Las Vegas area. Love knows no geographic location, it is universal. 
                Some may point out both Tao and Megan received money from their parents for this marriage. According to their internal messages, they netted thousands of dollars from each one of their families, which will be wisely invested or, more likely, ‘invested’ on drugs. But they didn’t do it for the money. I can only imagine how the courtship worked between the two of them. Tao must have come up to her and said, as sexily as he could:
                “Hey baby, how’d you like to get filmed doing drugs with me?”
                Who could resist a charm offensive like that? In case that question proves too difficult for you, let me answer it: no one. Tao is a catch; he has literally tens of dollars in the bank. Keep in mind since he shoplifts so much his expenses excluding rent is extremely small. Now that he has a wife, she can help him steal food and headphones from local stores. Perhaps he and she could walk out of a Duane Reade with enough food to last a week. 
                Not everyone is thrilled about the news. Certain online tastemakers expressed disapproval at the relationship. Carles of the famous blog “Hipster Runoff” made an offer to Megan Boyle. Leaked in a Gchat photo by none other Brandon Scott Gorrell, some guy I never heard of. Anyway, below is Carles’ response upon hearing the news:
                “Megan, I can offer you a contract that offers stability, hits, and the love your father never gave you if you quit MDMA films and your relationship with Tao right now.”
                Of course, Megan is a stylish classy lady. She simply laughed it off. Tao wore an ‘annoyed’ expression as he explained that Carles wasn’t the only one with a strong online brand, explaining how he was about to come into $1,400, virtually the yearly income of your average Cape Verde citizen. What was left unsaid was that Tao’s worth can’t be put into mere dollars and cents. Unlike Carles, he’s exposed himself for the world to see. He’s considered sending nude pictures of himself to fans in New Zealand.

                Carles immediately left the Gchat upon being rejected. Maybe Carles decided to call his own hotline to ask for his own advice which he’ll play on the next podcast. Or possibly Carles could’ve been just kidding and wanted to be silly. We’ll never know as Carles lives only on the internet and not in ‘real life’ (via never being seen in real life). 
                On Sunday, Carles posted his own take on the marriage, labeling it a ‘gimmick’. Maybe that hurt a little bit. I feel that all relationships require a certain degree of compromise between the two people. Each one negotiates with the other, finding that sweet in-between spot. Most people of the ‘authentic’ or ‘alternative’ persuasion believe perfect love awaits them. No compromise would be needed. Hence all these cool brothers and sisters are lonely. Tao and Megan’s marriage sort of confirms the belief perfect partners exist. Carles’ take seems to be that it is a gimmick, but love is real, no gimmick needed. Probably he’s worried about his alt cred, wondering if he’ll find his significant other, settle down, marry and have kids enrolled in a private art school (like Cooper Union). We’ll just need to wait and see. But the online support is greatly in favor of Tao and Megan’s holiest of matrimonies. 
                It seems the amount of online support for the Tao/Boyle relationship is reaching a fever pitch. Personally, I still think that IMBOYCRAZY’s interview had something to do with this turn of events. Alexi Wasser’s questions must have reached the inner most depths of Tao’s drug-addled mind. He knew not every girl would do cocaine off the head of his penis. He needed to strike while the love was hot and while he was in Las Vegas working on Bebe Zeva’s documentary.
                They appeared extremely happy at their marriage. So far kids are not expected in the foreseeable future though Tao feels open to them. Each set of parents has nothing but happiness for each of the two young writers.
                Here at Beach Sloth, I’m wishing them the best. Even on the heaviest of drugs, their love shines through like a light house piercing through the dark night. By being a couple, I can more easily stalk them online like countless others (stalkers = twitter followers). Be fruitful and multiply you crazy kids!
                May I suggest singing the following to each other in monotone?
“Forever, and ever, you’ll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever, and ever we never will part
Oh, how I’ll love you
Together, forever, that’s how it must be
To live without you
Would only mean heartbreak for me.”

 True Love DOESN’T wait: Tao Lin and Megan Boyle Married!

     Previously Beach Sloth covered the flowering relationship between alt writers Megan Boyle and Tao Lin. Watching them grow on each other, become each other’s romantic interest, and made countless readers swoon. I hoped that they could come together to create future writers (via sexual reproduction).

                Well, I have great news for you. Those who thought this would be just a gimmick; you’ve either been proven very right or very wrong. On Saturday, January 8th, in the year 2011 of our Lord, Tao Lin and Megan combined forces in holy matrimony. Now they are recognized by law as being lawfully wed in the Las Vegas area. Love knows no geographic location, it is universal. 

                Some may point out both Tao and Megan received money from their parents for this marriage. According to their internal messages, they netted thousands of dollars from each one of their families, which will be wisely invested or, more likely, ‘invested’ on drugs. But they didn’t do it for the money. I can only imagine how the courtship worked between the two of them. Tao must have come up to her and said, as sexily as he could:

                “Hey baby, how’d you like to get filmed doing drugs with me?”

                Who could resist a charm offensive like that? In case that question proves too difficult for you, let me answer it: no one. Tao is a catch; he has literally tens of dollars in the bank. Keep in mind since he shoplifts so much his expenses excluding rent is extremely small. Now that he has a wife, she can help him steal food and headphones from local stores. Perhaps he and she could walk out of a Duane Reade with enough food to last a week. 

                Not everyone is thrilled about the news. Certain online tastemakers expressed disapproval at the relationship. Carles of the famous blog “Hipster Runoff” made an offer to Megan Boyle. Leaked in a Gchat photo by none other Brandon Scott Gorrell, some guy I never heard of. Anyway, below is Carles’ response upon hearing the news:

                “Megan, I can offer you a contract that offers stability, hits, and the love your father never gave you if you quit MDMA films and your relationship with Tao right now.”

                Of course, Megan is a stylish classy lady. She simply laughed it off. Tao wore an ‘annoyed’ expression as he explained that Carles wasn’t the only one with a strong online brand, explaining how he was about to come into $1,400, virtually the yearly income of your average Cape Verde citizen. What was left unsaid was that Tao’s worth can’t be put into mere dollars and cents. Unlike Carles, he’s exposed himself for the world to see. He’s considered sending nude pictures of himself to fans in New Zealand.

                Carles immediately left the Gchat upon being rejected. Maybe Carles decided to call his own hotline to ask for his own advice which he’ll play on the next podcast. Or possibly Carles could’ve been just kidding and wanted to be silly. We’ll never know as Carles lives only on the internet and not in ‘real life’ (via never being seen in real life). 

                On Sunday, Carles posted his own take on the marriage, labeling it a ‘gimmick’. Maybe that hurt a little bit. I feel that all relationships require a certain degree of compromise between the two people. Each one negotiates with the other, finding that sweet in-between spot. Most people of the ‘authentic’ or ‘alternative’ persuasion believe perfect love awaits them. No compromise would be needed. Hence all these cool brothers and sisters are lonely. Tao and Megan’s marriage sort of confirms the belief perfect partners exist. Carles’ take seems to be that it is a gimmick, but love is real, no gimmick needed. Probably he’s worried about his alt cred, wondering if he’ll find his significant other, settle down, marry and have kids enrolled in a private art school (like Cooper Union). We’ll just need to wait and see. But the online support is greatly in favor of Tao and Megan’s holiest of matrimonies. 

                It seems the amount of online support for the Tao/Boyle relationship is reaching a fever pitch. Personally, I still think that IMBOYCRAZY’s interview had something to do with this turn of events. Alexi Wasser’s questions must have reached the inner most depths of Tao’s drug-addled mind. He knew not every girl would do cocaine off the head of his penis. He needed to strike while the love was hot and while he was in Las Vegas working on Bebe Zeva’s documentary.

                They appeared extremely happy at their marriage. So far kids are not expected in the foreseeable future though Tao feels open to them. Each set of parents has nothing but happiness for each of the two young writers.

                Here at Beach Sloth, I’m wishing them the best. Even on the heaviest of drugs, their love shines through like a light house piercing through the dark night. By being a couple, I can more easily stalk them online like countless others (stalkers = twitter followers). Be fruitful and multiply you crazy kids!

                May I suggest singing the following to each other in monotone?

“Forever, and ever, you’ll stay in my heart

And I will love you

Forever, and ever we never will part

Oh, how I’ll love you

Together, forever, that’s how it must be

To live without you

Would only mean heartbreak for me.”

Hackster Runoff: Carles gets vulnerable (to cyber warfare)

Hipster Runoff became a part of my morning ritual this year, just like how I read the New York Times or drink my cup of lemonade when I wake up. Carles, the preeminent anonymous hipster joker, keeps us entertained with his musings on alternative culture. Even the site’s name “Hipster Runoff” is a playful phrase, meant to simultaneously mock and delight its readership.

                What Carles might have wished he named it was “Hackster Runoff”. After a particular subpar article about a remixed MGMT song, the site went down. Pages no longer were available. Slowly but surely Carles’ online empires left his grasp, to try and do it on his own. Hackers took over, upset at the drop in writing quality. Keeping the hackers at bay is a much more daunting task, especially when Carles choose such easy passwords as “p33n” and “l33t p33n”.

                Speaking to Ramona while drinking a Bud Light on the rooftop, he contemplated life. He wondered just how far he had come in his quest for the 10.0. Not for an article or a band, but this 10.0 was for his life. Just how much had he really contributed to society with his snarky commentary? Did creating LOLS make the world a better place, or were those LOLS begotten at another’s expense. 

                People are getting worried. It has been almost a full day since there’s been any alt report or Carles article. Since I’m cynical, part of me thinks this might just be another ploy to play with our hearts. Having gotten us worried, he’ll come back in his trademark monotone pleading that his site was hacked and that he needs our support. Then there will be a big Christmas special, where he talks about his past and what 2011 holds in store.

                I’m hoping that this is a sincere issue with his website. Who would ever wish harm upon the sanctified, kind-hearted soul who is Carles. Right from his childhood, growing up with his father Jandek, he was called out for a higher purpose. To find beauty in the sublime netherworld that is alternative culture. 

                Carles moved to southern Indiana, where he embraced high culture. Drinking only quality alcoholic beverages (like Miller ‘High Life’) he sought out meaning even when there wasn’t any. Everything became fair game, whether it was Juggalos, a picture of one of the Jonas brothers in front of a movie theatre, or people getting hit by cars.

                After this harrowing experience, maybe Carles will become sensitive. He’ll understand what it is like to feel pain, loss, regret. Maybe he’ll get vulnerable with us again, explaining how he’s looking for something, something bigger than him. Vulnerability should only go so far, he should probably be less vulnerable to hacker attacks. 

                But who might have ordered those dastardly hackers to attack poor, defenseless Carles? Below are some of the potential suspects:

1.       Evil Carles, a graduate student from Rice University majoring in Finance. 

2.       MGMT, worried about the increasing hostile coverage they’ve been having.

3.       Unchill Asian Bro, upset at the lack of coverage and fulfilling the need to become unchill. 

4.       Salem , in order for Carles to understand true darkness.

5.       Michael Cera, to try and change his image from pantywaist to internet thug

6.       Best Coast, annoyed that her attempts at trolling have failed, takes it to the ‘next level’

7.       Julian Assange, according to the US government.

So Carles, to quote a wise buzzband: “I wish you would step away from that ledge my friend” –Third Eye Blind

Avoid getting hammered. Instead, focus on that great material you’ll be unleashing into the cyberspaces. I hope that your next post ends up being the “Citizen Kane” of privileged upper-middle class frustration. You can do it.  Believe in yourself. 

-Sending Good Vibes.

Hackster Runoff: Carles gets vulnerable (to cyber warfare)

Hipster Runoff became a part of my morning ritual this year, just like how I read the New York Times or drink my cup of lemonade when I wake up. Carles, the preeminent anonymous hipster joker, keeps us entertained with his musings on alternative culture. Even the site’s name “Hipster Runoff” is a playful phrase, meant to simultaneously mock and delight its readership.

                What Carles might have wished he named it was “Hackster Runoff”. After a particular subpar article about a remixed MGMT song, the site went down. Pages no longer were available. Slowly but surely Carles’ online empires left his grasp, to try and do it on his own. Hackers took over, upset at the drop in writing quality. Keeping the hackers at bay is a much more daunting task, especially when Carles choose such easy passwords as “p33n” and “l33t p33n”.

                Speaking to Ramona while drinking a Bud Light on the rooftop, he contemplated life. He wondered just how far he had come in his quest for the 10.0. Not for an article or a band, but this 10.0 was for his life. Just how much had he really contributed to society with his snarky commentary? Did creating LOLS make the world a better place, or were those LOLS begotten at another’s expense. 

                People are getting worried. It has been almost a full day since there’s been any alt report or Carles article. Since I’m cynical, part of me thinks this might just be another ploy to play with our hearts. Having gotten us worried, he’ll come back in his trademark monotone pleading that his site was hacked and that he needs our support. Then there will be a big Christmas special, where he talks about his past and what 2011 holds in store.

                I’m hoping that this is a sincere issue with his website. Who would ever wish harm upon the sanctified, kind-hearted soul who is Carles. Right from his childhood, growing up with his father Jandek, he was called out for a higher purpose. To find beauty in the sublime netherworld that is alternative culture. 

                Carles moved to southern Indiana, where he embraced high culture. Drinking only quality alcoholic beverages (like Miller ‘High Life’) he sought out meaning even when there wasn’t any. Everything became fair game, whether it was Juggalos, a picture of one of the Jonas brothers in front of a movie theatre, or people getting hit by cars.

                After this harrowing experience, maybe Carles will become sensitive. He’ll understand what it is like to feel pain, loss, regret. Maybe he’ll get vulnerable with us again, explaining how he’s looking for something, something bigger than him. Vulnerability should only go so far, he should probably be less vulnerable to hacker attacks. 

                But who might have ordered those dastardly hackers to attack poor, defenseless Carles? Below are some of the potential suspects:

1.       Evil Carles, a graduate student from Rice University majoring in Finance. 

2.       MGMT, worried about the increasing hostile coverage they’ve been having.

3.       Unchill Asian Bro, upset at the lack of coverage and fulfilling the need to become unchill. 

4.       Salem , in order for Carles to understand true darkness.

5.       Michael Cera, to try and change his image from pantywaist to internet thug

6.       Best Coast, annoyed that her attempts at trolling have failed, takes it to the ‘next level’

7.       Julian Assange, according to the US government.

So Carles, to quote a wise buzzband: “I wish you would step away from that ledge my friend” –Third Eye Blind

Avoid getting hammered. Instead, focus on that great material you’ll be unleashing into the cyberspaces. I hope that your next post ends up being the “Citizen Kane” of privileged upper-middle class frustration. You can do it.  Believe in yourself. 

-Sending Good Vibes.

Origin Story 4
California in the 60s embodied the best of  America: great schools, wonderful bands, nice clean beaches that  extended into infinity. I used to walk around the beach, hanging out,  practicing my voice for the choir. I felt blessed knowing that I had  been chosen to become a child actor, a career that had no negative side  effects whatsoever.                 Having so much power felt  great. I played Tommy in the hit TV show “Eight is Enough”. Eight was  more than enough, with me being the main attraction. The other children  were mere decorations compared to the grit and soul I gave to Tommy’s  character. Later in “Charles in Charge” I played Buddy, a cool bro with  Scott Baio. Together we changed the face of Television. 
                Off the set, I became a  buddy to many as well. My all-night parties are still talked about to  this very day. A few of them lasted for days, as I played the hell out  of my guitar for my indie rock band “Willie Ames & Paradise”.  Successfully I wooed many young starlets with my songs about drinking,  doing drugs, and having crazy amounts of sex.
                 Life felt great. I nearly  won an Oscar for my role in the hit movie “Zapped”. Work came to me like  the sun did in the morning. Everything would last forever in the 80s. I  was king of the world.
                Sadly, my reign got cut  short by the 90s. In the 90s, people stopped doing as many drugs.  Worried, I saw a therapist, but he didn’t help. Instead, my therapist  appeared to be enabling me with my bad behavior. So I continued doing a  ton of drugs and alcohol.                Things became real one day  though. As I stood in line at 7/11 at 4 in the afternoon, completely out  of my mind on Quaaludes, a little girl coming home from school began  singing:

Charles in Charge  Of our days and our nights  Charles in Charge  Of our wrongs and our rights  And I sing, I want,  I want Charles in Charge of me.
           I thought I was in charge of my life. But here I was, freaking out  heavily in the aisle of a 7/11, stealing pet food to eat. The song  reminded me of being younger, more responsible. Charles, I remembered  him well. He was the therapist I saw, who I stole his kid’s college fund  of $80,000 to buy more blow. Obviously he enabled me, by allowing me to  go on his computer while he went to the bathroom and removing funds  from his online checking account. It was a test of faith, and I passed.
           Rehab looked good. For a while, I thought I’d just try  methamphetamines, but Christianity appealed to me slightly more. Plus, I  didn’t really have enough money for any more drugs, so Christianity had  a lower money threshold.
           Being a born again Christian, I decided to repent for my wicked ways. I  wrote my former therapist Charles a thank you note for the $80,000 I  stole from him. It read:Dear Charles, Thank you for the $80,000.I used it to buy blow.Due to my large purchase I got a discount. It was good shit.           Around that time, I figured why not let other people understand the joy  I had in discovering the Lord. Watching Spiderman expose himself to  children, and Batman’s generally erratic behavior, I thought why not  create a more stable superhero. Too many superheroes harbored grunges.  Instead of that, I figured have a Superhero who gained his powers from  passages in the Bible. Someone told me that the superhero should be  named “Bibleman” but I told that ‘someone’ to get out of my face.
           Bibleman ended up a tremendous success. I not only got to reappear on  TV but taught children about the joys of worshipping Jesus. Then the  criticism came in. Rather than journalists taking hold of my comparison  to “High Budget Sunday School mixed with Batman” they instead described  it as “overweight man quotes passages from the Bible”. Others stated  that even though Veggietales were animated vegetables they had more soul  than the hallowed out shell I had. 
           I tried to not let it bother me. Moving to Kansas to escape it all, I  realized I couldn’t afford Kansas since I had no money. Quoting the  bible, I stated that “It is easier for a camel to pass through the hole  of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven” – some dude  in the Bible. No matter what I did, becoming an ordained minister,  fighting evil doers with bible passages, nothing worked. Without anyone  to turn to, I moved back to Los Angeles.
           On Thanksgiving Day I thought about what I was thankful. I said quietly  to myself, tears welling up in my eyes “Nothing”. Mulling over what I  should do next, I looked at the Bible. Asking myself “What would Jesus  do?” I came to the answer “Kill Himself”. Disappointed at how dark the  Bible was, and how I didn’t really understand it so hot, I began to  prepare myself for suicide.   
        Trying to place a noose on the ceiling fan, the table broke beneath my  legs. Stupid table, I yelled at the inanimate object. Extracting its  revenge, a piece of the wooden table stuck itself in my ass. Calling the  hospital, I underwent emergency ass surgery.
           My doctor came in with a stoic expression on her face. Reading my  charts, she solemnly stated “You may never fart again.” Days went by as a  thought of a world without farts. Children played outside my room, I  watched them from my bed. One of the kids asked the other “Pull my  finger”. I literally broke down and shoved my head into my pillow,  uncontrollably sobbing. Luckily for me, the surgery was successful but  my farting situation remained tenuous at best.  
           For weeks I walked around with a cast around my ass, drawing all sorts  of unwanted attention. By staying inside, I avoided the taunts of  schoolchildren. Catching up on music, my last true salvation, I stumbled  upon music blogs. These music blogs offered various repeating links, to  Pitchfork and Tiny Mix Tapes. One displayed a different sort of link,  to a place called “Hipster Runoff”. Reading it, I felt relevant for the  first time in years. His writing spoke to my soul. I re-wrote the  “Charles in Charge” theme song into “Carles in Charge”. Upon the  liquidation of my estate in Kansas, Carles suggested we meet up.
           Carles’s real name is Poindexter Dinkelhof the III, a 42 year old  accountant from Wichita, Kansas. Meeting him at a local Chili’s with his  wife, he explained to me how I could turn my life around. For him,  music gave him an outlet that he didn’t have in his real job. His  children loved him for it, he said. Do something that you’ve always  wanted to do, change your life he told me.
           Feeling inspired and bankrupt, I became a licensed financial advisor.  Since I went into bankruptcy and hit rock bottom, I decided my woes were  things others might learn from. Also, I got a job working as  entertainment for a cruise line, fulfilling my dreams of becoming a  true-blue traveler of the world.
           In my free time I created a music blog in the style of HRO, except not  as good. Naming it “Beach Sloth” it began late this summer. 
           Why the name, you might ask? Well, since I’m a big believer in  Christianity, I wanted to convert all beings into Christianity,  beginning with the animals. Since sloths are named after a sin, I wanted  to reach out to them first.
           Once I get enough money, I want to lure the sloths to the beach by  putting lots of comfy pillows on the sand. After they are lulled to  sleep, I will then baptize them. Upon their baptism, I’ll offer them  coffee so they might be more productive members of society.           Hopefully you’ve learned something about me today. I heart all of you.

Origin Story 4


California in the 60s embodied the best of America: great schools, wonderful bands, nice clean beaches that extended into infinity. I used to walk around the beach, hanging out, practicing my voice for the choir. I felt blessed knowing that I had been chosen to become a child actor, a career that had no negative side effects whatsoever. 

                Having so much power felt great. I played Tommy in the hit TV show “Eight is Enough”. Eight was more than enough, with me being the main attraction. The other children were mere decorations compared to the grit and soul I gave to Tommy’s character. Later in “Charles in Charge” I played Buddy, a cool bro with Scott Baio. Together we changed the face of Television. 


                Off the set, I became a buddy to many as well. My all-night parties are still talked about to this very day. A few of them lasted for days, as I played the hell out of my guitar for my indie rock band “Willie Ames & Paradise”. Successfully I wooed many young starlets with my songs about drinking, doing drugs, and having crazy amounts of sex.


                Life felt great. I nearly won an Oscar for my role in the hit movie “Zapped”. Work came to me like the sun did in the morning. Everything would last forever in the 80s. I was king of the world.


                Sadly, my reign got cut short by the 90s. In the 90s, people stopped doing as many drugs. Worried, I saw a therapist, but he didn’t help. Instead, my therapist appeared to be enabling me with my bad behavior. So I continued doing a ton of drugs and alcohol.

                Things became real one day though. As I stood in line at 7/11 at 4 in the afternoon, completely out of my mind on Quaaludes, a little girl coming home from school began singing:

Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights

And I sing, I want,
I want Charles in Charge of me.


          I thought I was in charge of my life. But here I was, freaking out heavily in the aisle of a 7/11, stealing pet food to eat. The song reminded me of being younger, more responsible. Charles, I remembered him well. He was the therapist I saw, who I stole his kid’s college fund of $80,000 to buy more blow. Obviously he enabled me, by allowing me to go on his computer while he went to the bathroom and removing funds from his online checking account. It was a test of faith, and I passed.


          Rehab looked good. For a while, I thought I’d just try methamphetamines, but Christianity appealed to me slightly more. Plus, I didn’t really have enough money for any more drugs, so Christianity had a lower money threshold.


          Being a born again Christian, I decided to repent for my wicked ways. I wrote my former therapist Charles a thank you note for the $80,000 I stole from him. It read:


Dear Charles, Thank you for the $80,000.I used it to buy blow.Due to my large purchase I got a discount. It was good shit.


          Around that time, I figured why not let other people understand the joy I had in discovering the Lord. Watching Spiderman expose himself to children, and Batman’s generally erratic behavior, I thought why not create a more stable superhero. Too many superheroes harbored grunges. Instead of that, I figured have a Superhero who gained his powers from passages in the Bible. Someone told me that the superhero should be named “Bibleman” but I told that ‘someone’ to get out of my face.


          Bibleman ended up a tremendous success. I not only got to reappear on TV but taught children about the joys of worshipping Jesus. Then the criticism came in. Rather than journalists taking hold of my comparison to “High Budget Sunday School mixed with Batman” they instead described it as “overweight man quotes passages from the Bible”. Others stated that even though Veggietales were animated vegetables they had more soul than the hallowed out shell I had. 


          I tried to not let it bother me. Moving to Kansas to escape it all, I realized I couldn’t afford Kansas since I had no money. Quoting the bible, I stated that “It is easier for a camel to pass through the hole of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven” – some dude in the Bible. No matter what I did, becoming an ordained minister, fighting evil doers with bible passages, nothing worked. Without anyone to turn to, I moved back to Los Angeles.


          On Thanksgiving Day I thought about what I was thankful. I said quietly to myself, tears welling up in my eyes “Nothing”. Mulling over what I should do next, I looked at the Bible. Asking myself “What would Jesus do?” I came to the answer “Kill Himself”. Disappointed at how dark the Bible was, and how I didn’t really understand it so hot, I began to prepare myself for suicide.

   

       Trying to place a noose on the ceiling fan, the table broke beneath my legs. Stupid table, I yelled at the inanimate object. Extracting its revenge, a piece of the wooden table stuck itself in my ass. Calling the hospital, I underwent emergency ass surgery.


          My doctor came in with a stoic expression on her face. Reading my charts, she solemnly stated “You may never fart again.” Days went by as a thought of a world without farts. Children played outside my room, I watched them from my bed. One of the kids asked the other “Pull my finger”. I literally broke down and shoved my head into my pillow, uncontrollably sobbing. Luckily for me, the surgery was successful but my farting situation remained tenuous at best.  


          For weeks I walked around with a cast around my ass, drawing all sorts of unwanted attention. By staying inside, I avoided the taunts of schoolchildren. Catching up on music, my last true salvation, I stumbled upon music blogs. These music blogs offered various repeating links, to Pitchfork and Tiny Mix Tapes. One displayed a different sort of link, to a place called “Hipster Runoff”. Reading it, I felt relevant for the first time in years. His writing spoke to my soul. I re-wrote the “Charles in Charge” theme song into “Carles in Charge”. Upon the liquidation of my estate in Kansas, Carles suggested we meet up.


          Carles’s real name is Poindexter Dinkelhof the III, a 42 year old accountant from Wichita, Kansas. Meeting him at a local Chili’s with his wife, he explained to me how I could turn my life around. For him, music gave him an outlet that he didn’t have in his real job. His children loved him for it, he said. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do, change your life he told me.


          Feeling inspired and bankrupt, I became a licensed financial advisor. Since I went into bankruptcy and hit rock bottom, I decided my woes were things others might learn from. Also, I got a job working as entertainment for a cruise line, fulfilling my dreams of becoming a true-blue traveler of the world.


          In my free time I created a music blog in the style of HRO, except not as good. Naming it “Beach Sloth” it began late this summer. 


          Why the name, you might ask? Well, since I’m a big believer in Christianity, I wanted to convert all beings into Christianity, beginning with the animals. Since sloths are named after a sin, I wanted to reach out to them first.


          Once I get enough money, I want to lure the sloths to the beach by putting lots of comfy pillows on the sand. After they are lulled to sleep, I will then baptize them. Upon their baptism, I’ll offer them coffee so they might be more productive members of society. 

          Hopefully you’ve learned something about me today. I heart all of you.