Regulars of Beach Sloth may be aware of my kids’ twitter accounts. They are pathetic things. My kids can’t tweet a good tweet. I show them every day how to construct the funny. ‘Add a little flarf here, a dash of stupid there’ to engage them. Even Dora the Explorer’s twitter account fails to excite them. Where do I go from here? I love my kids but their twitter accounts are worthless. We live in the 21st century. Your online persona gives you worth, more worth than mere money. As I see my children work in the beet fields, beating up beets, I worry. Can they see what I do? Of a future where people are judged by the content in their blog? If they can’t even compose a good 140 characters I worry for their future.
Below are some of their tweets. I include descriptions of each one of them in hopes that others may learn from their many, many twitter mistakes.
Samantha is my youngest so I’ll cut her some slack. At only four years old she’s a really good worker on my beet farm. Beets are her life. Right now I have started her on a strict regimen of the Beach Boys and Panda Bear to help her find her childlike wonder. Animal Collective is next as they are a tad darker. Her twitter persona is that of a five year old girl who loves empty cardboard boxes. Here are some of her more memorable tweets:
1. I just found a box. Oh boy!
2. Wonder if I’ll ever have enough money to buy an empty box
3. If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does someone later turn it into a box
4. Has anybody ever crossed the ocean in a giant box?
5. What did people store things in before they had boxes?
6. Wish I was a small as a toaster so I could fit in that box. That’s a nice box
Tyler is my middle child. He’s going to be six soon. Right now he is really big into action cartoons. They absorb his fragile eggshell mind. For him I’ve started him on early David Bowie, before he got all coked out in the 80s. Bowie seems to be having quite an influence on him. Tyler loves James Chance and the Contortions and a lot of No Wave bands, so I have high hopes for his twitter. Unfortunately his dancing to James Chance takes away from his beet picking. His twitter is pretty good though. There is no unity but some of these are truly ‘eye-opening’.
1. Are the Power Rangers powered by diesel, gas, or electric?
2. I don’t get this ‘Boondocks’ song ‘Stomp him in the nuts’. Is this about almonds or walnuts?
3. Why does 2 + 2 equal 4?
4. ‘Go Dog Go’ is really preoccupied with movement.
5. Does anybody really benefit from knowing where Waldo is? (Note: this tweet is his best so far, combing existential questioning with our own preoccupation with discovery)
6. Do people fart in heaven or has gas been eliminated there?
Skyler is my eldest son at age 9. Right now he’s getting into Aphex Twin, LFO, and other Warp Records acts. He finds Tortoise to be therapeutic. Most of his tweets involve what he ate today. What he tells me is he is building a ‘food persona’ so people send him free food. Not sure if this is going to pan out but he at least grasps the idea one must create a persona.Unfortunately his twitter is absolutely horrible, especially considering his age.
1. Can’t wait until I’m old enough to try hard drugs, like caffeine
2. Don’t go chasing waterfalls. You’ll fall and badly hurt yourself.
3. ‘Orange you glad I ate you’ the last words my orange heard before I destroyed him
4. Uh, I don’t understand homework. My homework is picking crops outside.
5. How did corn end up starting a rock band?
6. Red Hot Chili Peppers would help to spice up my thin gruel
Hope this allows you a little view into my twitter universe. Let me know if you want to follow my kids. Not sure how I feel about that. I still feel my kids need guidance with twitter. Maybe strangers will help them become better at their personas. Time will tell. Hope the internet can help me raise my children. Despite their failings, I love my children. I take care of them every day and read them alt lit before they go to bed. They love me and I love them. Online personas are only one part of their life. When it comes to giving hugs nobody can outdo my kids.