Sans You by Hannah Fantana


                ‘Sans You’ is Hannah Fantana’s growing of age story. While she grows up she gets further away from previous incarnations of herself. This is commonly referred to as aging. The story deals with this ‘aging’ in a non-linear fashion. From the present to further into the past to the present again Telsa lives a life of determining emotions. Every emotion is hyper-analyzed. Poor Telsa wants to live life to the fullest or something. People around Telsa seem to elicit only neutral emotions from young Telsa. Telsa is unable to handle human interaction in a real life manner. Often Telsa worries that others think she is a mean or not particularly responsive. This is reflected in how her parents encourage her to go out with friends. Sometimes her parents fail at this making her sad by asking questions like ‘Are you on drugs’ when she is in a good mood. 

                Much of the book deals with Telsa enjoying herself on the internet.  The internet lacks the intimacy or disappointment of real life. Hence why Hannah enjoys the interactions she has online more than those she has in real life. In real life people annoy her. Various people dislike her (Ari, etc.) for reasons she cannot accurately express or chooses not to divulge. Real life offers little in the way of enjoyment besides twee drugs and twee alcohol. Vodka is twee. However on the internet Telsa comes into her own happy planet of her own devising. Validation on the internet is a huge part of why people go on the internet. Feedback is instant on the internet. Hipster Runoff’s Carles approves of her look calling her cute. What she writes receives ‘likes’ on Facebook. YouTube videos of hers get comments. Why would she look for validation offline? Offline offers few benefits. Online offers many benefits. 

                Life off the internet hurts a little bit for Telsa. She wakes up without water. She fears for her life. During Halloween she drinks with people and blacks out often. People bore her during this time. Her friends hook up in front of her. Decorum is not much of a thing in real life, particularly high school. In high school people generally lack any form of ‘control’. Telsa makes this obvious. Her friends are bored most of the time. They drink. They walk to places for little to no reason eating horrible junk food or health food junk food (almond soy milk). 

                Before her current incarnation she went to Paris France. This trip is described in vivid detail. Apparently it was the first time Telsa imbibed alcohol. Her experience in France consists mostly of drinking, wandering around Paris, and getting hit on by French boys. Ultimately this is similar to her time in California, excluding the whole ‘speaking in French’ thing. Back into California she returns to the present. Then she gets to the ending.

                The ending is beautiful perfect amazing. Everything in the end feels like it is rushing down extremely quickly. Hannah switches the point of view from the third person ‘she’ to the first person ‘I’. Giving it an intimate, heart-felt touch to the story is particularly wonderful. For every little thing is slowed down to a barely moving pace. She learns how to feel. She experiences joy and the closest thing to happiness. Little things become great big things in ‘Sans You’. With these little things she adds up into a big person who appears to be going in the right direction, in a direction not unlike millions before her and millions after her. ‘Sans You’ is a tweenage riot by the cutest girl in alt lit.

Sans You by Hannah Fantana

                ‘Sans You’ is Hannah Fantana’s growing of age story. While she grows up she gets further away from previous incarnations of herself. This is commonly referred to as aging. The story deals with this ‘aging’ in a non-linear fashion. From the present to further into the past to the present again Telsa lives a life of determining emotions. Every emotion is hyper-analyzed. Poor Telsa wants to live life to the fullest or something. People around Telsa seem to elicit only neutral emotions from young Telsa. Telsa is unable to handle human interaction in a real life manner. Often Telsa worries that others think she is a mean or not particularly responsive. This is reflected in how her parents encourage her to go out with friends. Sometimes her parents fail at this making her sad by asking questions like ‘Are you on drugs’ when she is in a good mood. 

                Much of the book deals with Telsa enjoying herself on the internet.  The internet lacks the intimacy or disappointment of real life. Hence why Hannah enjoys the interactions she has online more than those she has in real life. In real life people annoy her. Various people dislike her (Ari, etc.) for reasons she cannot accurately express or chooses not to divulge. Real life offers little in the way of enjoyment besides twee drugs and twee alcohol. Vodka is twee. However on the internet Telsa comes into her own happy planet of her own devising. Validation on the internet is a huge part of why people go on the internet. Feedback is instant on the internet. Hipster Runoff’s Carles approves of her look calling her cute. What she writes receives ‘likes’ on Facebook. YouTube videos of hers get comments. Why would she look for validation offline? Offline offers few benefits. Online offers many benefits. 

                Life off the internet hurts a little bit for Telsa. She wakes up without water. She fears for her life. During Halloween she drinks with people and blacks out often. People bore her during this time. Her friends hook up in front of her. Decorum is not much of a thing in real life, particularly high school. In high school people generally lack any form of ‘control’. Telsa makes this obvious. Her friends are bored most of the time. They drink. They walk to places for little to no reason eating horrible junk food or health food junk food (almond soy milk). 

                Before her current incarnation she went to Paris France. This trip is described in vivid detail. Apparently it was the first time Telsa imbibed alcohol. Her experience in France consists mostly of drinking, wandering around Paris, and getting hit on by French boys. Ultimately this is similar to her time in California, excluding the whole ‘speaking in French’ thing. Back into California she returns to the present. Then she gets to the ending.

                The ending is beautiful perfect amazing. Everything in the end feels like it is rushing down extremely quickly. Hannah switches the point of view from the third person ‘she’ to the first person ‘I’. Giving it an intimate, heart-felt touch to the story is particularly wonderful. For every little thing is slowed down to a barely moving pace. She learns how to feel. She experiences joy and the closest thing to happiness. Little things become great big things in ‘Sans You’. With these little things she adds up into a big person who appears to be going in the right direction, in a direction not unlike millions before her and millions after her. ‘Sans You’ is a tweenage riot by the cutest girl in alt lit.

Cyberbully: He isn’t after your lunch money anymore.

              On Sunday, July 17th the world as we know it online will change forever. For on that day the internet is going to be a nicer place. No longer will people anonymously mock each other on the internet. All those online bullies will be at home, watching ABC Family Movies, tears running down their faces. “Cyberbully” the original ABC Family Movie premiers in order to teach our youth the importance of treating each other with respect both off and online. I know a few major bloggers have taken a hiatus (Carles) for the sole purpose of paying full attention to this highlight, this pinnacle of culture. Could this be the time we finally defeat online bloggers, by having ABC shame them? Will ABC be able to guilt them in ways no organized religion could? You’ll have to see the movie to find out.

                I can tell you what the movie is about. You see, I was able to garner a ‘sneak peak’ of this cinematic event. Not due to any online relevance, quite the opposite. My irrelevance made me relevant to these writers, as I write a kind blog anonymously, a rare thing indeed. Being anonymously kind online is akin to those people who only pay for music: a rare beast indeed. Watching the movie, I cried multiple times and went through two boxes of Kleenex. Cyberbully is that moving. I kid you not.

                Taylor Hillridge (played by Drew Barrymore) had everything. A great boyfriend, a loving family, and living in the United States she had everything. Everything included a vicious internet rumor mill. Yes, random people on the internet decided to pick on her, transforming her life from something seriously chill into something seriously unchill. Going to school became a nightmare, as kids taunted her with the words she was called on the internet. People read her Facebook, thinking everything people posted was true. 

                Walking around school she kept on hearing the term “Skank-o-holic” repeated over and over again. Now, I hate to get all technical, but a “skank-o-holic” is one who is addicted to skank and needs to be weaned off the skank. Skank runs their lives. Vicious things happen in this movie. People cry. Feelings are hurt. Taylor’s mother (played by Carmen Electra) wants to help but appears to be too stupid to help her daughter. I mean, her daughter needs to help her with how to check her email and type things using a board of keys. Clearly she won’t be able to do things by herself.

                Doing the only thing she can Carmen goes over to tough part of town, not far from Talbots. While searching for an attractive yet affordable summer dress, she meets her helper. A former KGB spy (played by Pierce Brosnan) who substitute teaches in the Elementary School agrees to help her with this problem for a small fee. Reluctantly she pays Pierce $50,000 to ‘take care of the problem’. Working with Pierce is his level-headed friend Jack Bauer. However, once Pierce finds the perpetrator (played by Drew Carey) of these heinous online rumors, he disregards the calm, rational advice of Jack Bauer and proceeds to brutally harm this individual. Once some online friends of the perpetrator go to their mailbox to discover cryptic messages about Cleveland, Ohio they lay off her. They know Pierce is onto them as they haven’t communicated with Carey for days and are fully aware he has no real life. 

                ABC Family teaches us a valuable lesson in cyberbullying: don’t do it unless you want shadowy former KGB members after you and your loved ones. Clearly this is a lesson that will resonate for generations. Every third Sunday in July shall be remembered for time immemorial as the day the internet changed for the better. That will be remembered as the day internet bullies turned away from mocking others and engaged in more productive things like online investing, internet porn, and blogging. It will also be the day Drew Carey veered dangerously close to something called acting.  
                Yes I think this movie will change the internet forever. Watch it this Sunday and be amazed at how much you can learn. Prepare your kids for the world outside of the real one. It’s scary out there. 






                Boo.

Cyberbully: He isn’t after your lunch money anymore.

              On Sunday, July 17th the world as we know it online will change forever. For on that day the internet is going to be a nicer place. No longer will people anonymously mock each other on the internet. All those online bullies will be at home, watching ABC Family Movies, tears running down their faces. “Cyberbully” the original ABC Family Movie premiers in order to teach our youth the importance of treating each other with respect both off and online. I know a few major bloggers have taken a hiatus (Carles) for the sole purpose of paying full attention to this highlight, this pinnacle of culture. Could this be the time we finally defeat online bloggers, by having ABC shame them? Will ABC be able to guilt them in ways no organized religion could? You’ll have to see the movie to find out.

                I can tell you what the movie is about. You see, I was able to garner a ‘sneak peak’ of this cinematic event. Not due to any online relevance, quite the opposite. My irrelevance made me relevant to these writers, as I write a kind blog anonymously, a rare thing indeed. Being anonymously kind online is akin to those people who only pay for music: a rare beast indeed. Watching the movie, I cried multiple times and went through two boxes of Kleenex. Cyberbully is that moving. I kid you not.

                Taylor Hillridge (played by Drew Barrymore) had everything. A great boyfriend, a loving family, and living in the United States she had everything. Everything included a vicious internet rumor mill. Yes, random people on the internet decided to pick on her, transforming her life from something seriously chill into something seriously unchill. Going to school became a nightmare, as kids taunted her with the words she was called on the internet. People read her Facebook, thinking everything people posted was true. 

                Walking around school she kept on hearing the term “Skank-o-holic” repeated over and over again. Now, I hate to get all technical, but a “skank-o-holic” is one who is addicted to skank and needs to be weaned off the skank. Skank runs their lives. Vicious things happen in this movie. People cry. Feelings are hurt. Taylor’s mother (played by Carmen Electra) wants to help but appears to be too stupid to help her daughter. I mean, her daughter needs to help her with how to check her email and type things using a board of keys. Clearly she won’t be able to do things by herself.

                Doing the only thing she can Carmen goes over to tough part of town, not far from Talbots. While searching for an attractive yet affordable summer dress, she meets her helper. A former KGB spy (played by Pierce Brosnan) who substitute teaches in the Elementary School agrees to help her with this problem for a small fee. Reluctantly she pays Pierce $50,000 to ‘take care of the problem’. Working with Pierce is his level-headed friend Jack Bauer. However, once Pierce finds the perpetrator (played by Drew Carey) of these heinous online rumors, he disregards the calm, rational advice of Jack Bauer and proceeds to brutally harm this individual. Once some online friends of the perpetrator go to their mailbox to discover cryptic messages about Cleveland, Ohio they lay off her. They know Pierce is onto them as they haven’t communicated with Carey for days and are fully aware he has no real life. 

                ABC Family teaches us a valuable lesson in cyberbullying: don’t do it unless you want shadowy former KGB members after you and your loved ones. Clearly this is a lesson that will resonate for generations. Every third Sunday in July shall be remembered for time immemorial as the day the internet changed for the better. That will be remembered as the day internet bullies turned away from mocking others and engaged in more productive things like online investing, internet porn, and blogging. It will also be the day Drew Carey veered dangerously close to something called acting.  

                Yes I think this movie will change the internet forever. Watch it this Sunday and be amazed at how much you can learn. Prepare your kids for the world outside of the real one. It’s scary out there. 

                Boo.

March 28th, 2011

Dear Gawker,

Remember video games? You know the fun first person shooter ones. The ones where you’d be shot by your dorm roommate in a rather unflattering matter (you were sniping as they shot you in the back with a shotgun). In case this wasn’t enough, they proceeded to do a dance on your corpse. After this, they’d laugh and say “You got owned” over and over again, until the words lost their meaning.

Well, you got owned by Carles, of the popular weblog Hipster Runoff.

I’m sorry. Carles does this on occasion in order to gauge interest in his blog. Usually it garners enough advertising revenue from this event to help him purchase a new computer, wide screen TV, finance a vacation to the Apple Store, or just a wild reckless night out on the town. Apparently whoever at Gawker received the email might not have been aware of this gimmick, though Carles puts it into his own bio on his website.

No job with his uncle existed. When you saw the interest he had working for another blog that was a ruse. Though to be honest I could see him working for Gawker, he has a lot of affection for your site, doing interviews, winning Hipster of the Decade and whatnot. But I’m not sure if he could work in an office. Reading his older posts, he has reservations about office work, like so many creative twenty somethings. I mean, who wants to live under the glare of emotionless white bulbs. Nobody does.

This time he did act a little differently. By emailing you he wanted to heighten the sense of drama involving his periodic meltdown. People wouldn’t have gotten as upset had he not notified the authorities. According to Carles, you are the internet authorities of culture. I mean, look at all the coverage you give to other internet-based writers. 

Signs had been present which might have suggested Carles was at the end of his rope. Introducing the Museum of Modern Alt alongside the Mainstreamer might have hinted perhaps Carles was running out of ideas. Constant competitions for Hipster Runoff involving people’s submitted pictures gave the impression Carles was ‘running on empty’. The post he had on his own firsts policy could have lead you astray, I grant you that much. 

But really, I am trying to apply for a position as the new coverage man for Hipster Runoff. I know Gawker has some serious blog bucks. Honestly, I’m pretty poor right now. Your money would be put to good use in keeping a sleepy, poverty stricken part of the internet alive. Don’t worry, I won’t cover Hipster Runoff like HRO Exegesis, there’s already a guy doing it. Plus, as an added bonus, I’m a respected poster on the Hipster Runoff blog, if that means anything, which it doesn’t besides to show off what I read during my lunch break.

                Various other people from Hipster Runoff called Carles’ gimmick out as well. Claiming he’ll have some vaguely ridiculous, possibly hour-long Podcast explaining nothing in many words, they were validated. After being proven right, they got some sweet tweets thrown their way. Maybe one or two of them might like a cushy office blog job. 

                For all those who called out the hoax, there were far more who were deeply worried. Believing falsely Carles was serious since he’d never punk Gawker, they fell for it. Just like you. So don’t feel bad, plenty other Hipster Runoff watchers read this one wrong. 

                Really though, would you prefer he followed through on his idle threat? I guess occasionally Carles just wants some coaxing. He needs phone calls telling him how important he is in generating content we all consume. Whether or not we like it is no longer important. Instead, he deliberately stirs up the pot. If Gawker decided Beach Sloth would do a good job covering Hipster Runoff, I promise you I’d needlessly create blog beefs between Gawker and Carles. They’d be similar to Tao Lin, who you now adore, but the build-up and drama between the two of you kept things interesting. Hipster Runoff needs beefs (whether it is between him and Best Coast) so I feel an entire website versus him might result in something even better than him versus a perpetually stoned cat lady. 

                Carles I’m certain would be game for this beef. Anything which could drum up attention for his blog seems like a win-win. I promise I might do a better job of figuring out when Carles will quit his blog, which I know will be never. Blogging is a hell of a drug.  Forever and ever, he’ll stay in our hearts. Even when people hate Carles, they heart him deep down on the inside. They want to get vulnerable with him, via Facebook, via Twitter, via the comment section. So beloved was Carles they even started a relevancy funeral Tumblr to celebrate one of the fallen fearless few. 

                I hope this reaches you before you before you have to do some silly about-face on the internet. With me in charge of Hipster Runoff Relevancy coverage, I offer to do nothing but provoke the anonymous blogger. For we’re all a part of this great blog-o-sphere, constantly trying to outdo one another, and what could be better than a blog battle? 

                Sincerely,

                Beach Sloth

March 28th, 2011

Dear Gawker,

Remember video games? You know the fun first person shooter ones. The ones where you’d be shot by your dorm roommate in a rather unflattering matter (you were sniping as they shot you in the back with a shotgun). In case this wasn’t enough, they proceeded to do a dance on your corpse. After this, they’d laugh and say “You got owned” over and over again, until the words lost their meaning.

Well, you got owned by Carles, of the popular weblog Hipster Runoff.

I’m sorry. Carles does this on occasion in order to gauge interest in his blog. Usually it garners enough advertising revenue from this event to help him purchase a new computer, wide screen TV, finance a vacation to the Apple Store, or just a wild reckless night out on the town. Apparently whoever at Gawker received the email might not have been aware of this gimmick, though Carles puts it into his own bio on his website.

No job with his uncle existed. When you saw the interest he had working for another blog that was a ruse. Though to be honest I could see him working for Gawker, he has a lot of affection for your site, doing interviews, winning Hipster of the Decade and whatnot. But I’m not sure if he could work in an office. Reading his older posts, he has reservations about office work, like so many creative twenty somethings. I mean, who wants to live under the glare of emotionless white bulbs. Nobody does.

This time he did act a little differently. By emailing you he wanted to heighten the sense of drama involving his periodic meltdown. People wouldn’t have gotten as upset had he not notified the authorities. According to Carles, you are the internet authorities of culture. I mean, look at all the coverage you give to other internet-based writers. 

Signs had been present which might have suggested Carles was at the end of his rope. Introducing the Museum of Modern Alt alongside the Mainstreamer might have hinted perhaps Carles was running out of ideas. Constant competitions for Hipster Runoff involving people’s submitted pictures gave the impression Carles was ‘running on empty’. The post he had on his own firsts policy could have lead you astray, I grant you that much. 

But really, I am trying to apply for a position as the new coverage man for Hipster Runoff. I know Gawker has some serious blog bucks. Honestly, I’m pretty poor right now. Your money would be put to good use in keeping a sleepy, poverty stricken part of the internet alive. Don’t worry, I won’t cover Hipster Runoff like HRO Exegesis, there’s already a guy doing it. Plus, as an added bonus, I’m a respected poster on the Hipster Runoff blog, if that means anything, which it doesn’t besides to show off what I read during my lunch break.

                Various other people from Hipster Runoff called Carles’ gimmick out as well. Claiming he’ll have some vaguely ridiculous, possibly hour-long Podcast explaining nothing in many words, they were validated. After being proven right, they got some sweet tweets thrown their way. Maybe one or two of them might like a cushy office blog job. 

                For all those who called out the hoax, there were far more who were deeply worried. Believing falsely Carles was serious since he’d never punk Gawker, they fell for it. Just like you. So don’t feel bad, plenty other Hipster Runoff watchers read this one wrong. 

                Really though, would you prefer he followed through on his idle threat? I guess occasionally Carles just wants some coaxing. He needs phone calls telling him how important he is in generating content we all consume. Whether or not we like it is no longer important. Instead, he deliberately stirs up the pot. If Gawker decided Beach Sloth would do a good job covering Hipster Runoff, I promise you I’d needlessly create blog beefs between Gawker and Carles. They’d be similar to Tao Lin, who you now adore, but the build-up and drama between the two of you kept things interesting. Hipster Runoff needs beefs (whether it is between him and Best Coast) so I feel an entire website versus him might result in something even better than him versus a perpetually stoned cat lady. 

                Carles I’m certain would be game for this beef. Anything which could drum up attention for his blog seems like a win-win. I promise I might do a better job of figuring out when Carles will quit his blog, which I know will be never. Blogging is a hell of a drug.  Forever and ever, he’ll stay in our hearts. Even when people hate Carles, they heart him deep down on the inside. They want to get vulnerable with him, via Facebook, via Twitter, via the comment section. So beloved was Carles they even started a relevancy funeral Tumblr to celebrate one of the fallen fearless few. 

                I hope this reaches you before you before you have to do some silly about-face on the internet. With me in charge of Hipster Runoff Relevancy coverage, I offer to do nothing but provoke the anonymous blogger. For we’re all a part of this great blog-o-sphere, constantly trying to outdo one another, and what could be better than a blog battle? 

                Sincerely,

                Beach Sloth

     Recently the New York Times had an article which hit a bit too close to home: blogs were declining in popularity. I sat there, reading up, tears welling up in my eyes at the horrible news. That draft I had been working on my blog might not be as significant anymore or remotely significant. Wondering if this was true all over, high-tailed it over to Hipster Runoff. After seeing Carles’ absolutely pathetic and sad meta-joke on the entire online hipster community ‘The Mainstreamer’ I thought they might be right. 

                Composing myself, I realized the New York Times hasn’t been right about a lot of things. Maybe there was something more than news compelling them to write such vicious material. The writers of the New York Times must know their days of being a newspaper are limited. Who are they to report on blogs and the state of blog affairs? Why can’t we have the President of the Blog-O-Sphere come out and reject such slander in her state of the Blog Address.

                “The State of our Blog has never been stronger. We produce more Memes than any other country on Earth.”

                While some people have turned exclusively to twitter and Facebook, most use them as supplements, rather than full-on platforms. In other words, you have to have tough skin for the internet. Michael McDonald, the young man they profiled in their extended piece, clearly didn’t have the guts for what blog life is all about. Rather than expand his blogging presence through dubious tweets and so on, he went all lame on it. Using the gripe of ‘not enough people visited my blog’ he closed up shop for good.

                If I were this kid’s friend, I would have told him to stick with it. Blogging takes a long time; it is more of a slow burn than a flare up. Simply posting stuff up doesn’t mean you’re going to get noticed, you’ve got to be creative. Create a Facebook profile whose single purpose is trolling other sites, implanting your blog presence elsewhere. Begin to connect with other bloggers, write something people want to read. Technical blogs don’t do so hot; you have to inject some truth and understanding into there at some point. Stating ‘all the people I want to reach are on Facebook’ it is clear he wanted positive feedback rather than constructive criticism (I’ve been able to accept constructive criticism due to my arm’s length approach to this doodad).

                Children 12 to 17 saw a 50% decrease in the amount of blogging. Good, what the fuck do tweens blog about? I don’t really care about how hard you have it in Middle School, in High School. I’m sorry lunch today was applesauce, lasagna, and cornbread, but just eat it. You have to go through some serious stuff, some interesting stuff before you can write turgid, long-winded posts like the ones better bloggers have. 

                Showing a decrease in the amount of bloggers doesn’t bother me in the least. Thinning the ranks a little bit can be a good thing. Having become familiar with other blogs, I’d say there’s always better and better stuff coming out. By staying around longer, you can ‘hone’ your ‘blogging chops’ and do a better job. Writing doesn’t come naturally to me; I had to work at this kind of work. Hopefully I’ve become a little better of a writer through various amounts of criticism. 

                Blogs offer a certain amount of conversation. I enjoy speaking with other bloggers. We help one another and form a community which is strong. Sure, I think the opinionated tag works for a lot of blogs, but those tend to be more political blogs, something I try to avoid on here. Besides, in case you’re more interested in the visual arts, Tumblr offers a great way of showing off your skills, probably much better than Blogspot does.

                Don’t let the New York Times lord over you. Stay strong fellow writers, bloggers, Google Bombers, Flarfers, and whatever else exists exclusively on the internet that I haven’t mentioned. Together we’ll make these Chains of Love.

     Recently the New York Times had an article which hit a bit too close to home: blogs were declining in popularity. I sat there, reading up, tears welling up in my eyes at the horrible news. That draft I had been working on my blog might not be as significant anymore or remotely significant. Wondering if this was true all over, high-tailed it over to Hipster Runoff. After seeing Carles’ absolutely pathetic and sad meta-joke on the entire online hipster community ‘The Mainstreamer’ I thought they might be right. 

                Composing myself, I realized the New York Times hasn’t been right about a lot of things. Maybe there was something more than news compelling them to write such vicious material. The writers of the New York Times must know their days of being a newspaper are limited. Who are they to report on blogs and the state of blog affairs? Why can’t we have the President of the Blog-O-Sphere come out and reject such slander in her state of the Blog Address.

                “The State of our Blog has never been stronger. We produce more Memes than any other country on Earth.”

                While some people have turned exclusively to twitter and Facebook, most use them as supplements, rather than full-on platforms. In other words, you have to have tough skin for the internet. Michael McDonald, the young man they profiled in their extended piece, clearly didn’t have the guts for what blog life is all about. Rather than expand his blogging presence through dubious tweets and so on, he went all lame on it. Using the gripe of ‘not enough people visited my blog’ he closed up shop for good.

                If I were this kid’s friend, I would have told him to stick with it. Blogging takes a long time; it is more of a slow burn than a flare up. Simply posting stuff up doesn’t mean you’re going to get noticed, you’ve got to be creative. Create a Facebook profile whose single purpose is trolling other sites, implanting your blog presence elsewhere. Begin to connect with other bloggers, write something people want to read. Technical blogs don’t do so hot; you have to inject some truth and understanding into there at some point. Stating ‘all the people I want to reach are on Facebook’ it is clear he wanted positive feedback rather than constructive criticism (I’ve been able to accept constructive criticism due to my arm’s length approach to this doodad).

                Children 12 to 17 saw a 50% decrease in the amount of blogging. Good, what the fuck do tweens blog about? I don’t really care about how hard you have it in Middle School, in High School. I’m sorry lunch today was applesauce, lasagna, and cornbread, but just eat it. You have to go through some serious stuff, some interesting stuff before you can write turgid, long-winded posts like the ones better bloggers have. 

                Showing a decrease in the amount of bloggers doesn’t bother me in the least. Thinning the ranks a little bit can be a good thing. Having become familiar with other blogs, I’d say there’s always better and better stuff coming out. By staying around longer, you can ‘hone’ your ‘blogging chops’ and do a better job. Writing doesn’t come naturally to me; I had to work at this kind of work. Hopefully I’ve become a little better of a writer through various amounts of criticism. 

                Blogs offer a certain amount of conversation. I enjoy speaking with other bloggers. We help one another and form a community which is strong. Sure, I think the opinionated tag works for a lot of blogs, but those tend to be more political blogs, something I try to avoid on here. Besides, in case you’re more interested in the visual arts, Tumblr offers a great way of showing off your skills, probably much better than Blogspot does.

                Don’t let the New York Times lord over you. Stay strong fellow writers, bloggers, Google Bombers, Flarfers, and whatever else exists exclusively on the internet that I haven’t mentioned. Together we’ll make these Chains of Love.

HIPSTER RUNOFF VALENTINE’S DAY QT CONTEST

    Carles needs somebody, someone like you. As Valentine’s Day approached, he realized buzzbands couldn’t warm him in these cold winter nights. Someone needed to be there, to care for him, to heart for him, and to help him become a more alternative person. Maybe Carles has become such a resident of the internet he’s forgotten how to love, and wants to learn how to experience a true human emotion. Sure, his transform into a computer helps him at Jeopardy but at the end of the day no one cares about that victory besides old people who are going to die relatively soon.

                What brought this need to love again? Could it be the coming of the most artificially romantic day of the year, Valentine’s Day? Part of me wants to say no, Carles is better than that, but he probably isn’t. He’s fond of ‘getting vulnerable’ with us, so part of his vulnerability is feeling lonely, needing true IRL friends besides Tao Lin, who lives in Brooklyn anyway and can’t rock him to sleep in his arms.

                Anyway, he suffered a few devastating setbacks this week. “Whoisarcadefire” a meme blog about the reaction of countless millions, ended up beating Carles to the punch about the Arcade Fire Grammy nomination. By that point, Carles realized what had happened to his blog. No longer did he have the energy to do the backbreaking Google searches required for decent meme coverage. His blog serves as ‘blog fertilizer’ in two ways: 

1. it inspires bloggers to come up with new ideas.
2. Some of Carles’s articles are pieces of shit.

                Below I want to introduce to some of the people who wanted to connect with Carles more than he wanted to connect with them. While they are able to put up their faces (and sometimes breasts), he remains in the shadows, unwilling to reveal himself. Maybe the success of this will lead to the ‘Hipster Runoff Dating Site’. We’ll see. I hope you learn about each one of these contestants. Note I didn’t include everybody.

1.       #palmqt – Seems cute.
2.       #postjuno – I wish she had a second half to her face.
3.       #wedidit – possesses a lot of confidence and obvious artistic skills.
4.       #chillwavebb – though she’s adorable, she’s unobtainable. Note the boyfriend taking the picture in the background. I’m sorry Carles.
5.       #B&Nbabe – Personally, this might help Carles get out of his ‘text speak’ phase. Having a literature valentine might not teach him how to heart, but also how to write.
6.       #whateverQT – Her approach to Valentine’s Day as ‘whatever’ meshes well with Carles’s attitude of ‘whatever’ towards life itself.
7.       #meme4evr – This is the coolest pirate eye patch I’ve ever seen.
8.       #sunflower_alt_qt – Coming from the Midwest into the big city. Aw. Plus, she misspelled Valentine.
9.       Blipster_alt_breasts – What is wrong with people? I don’t get why so few voted for this obviously awesome and excellent person. She can teach Carles how to be cool again, and how to be more relevant. I heavily suggest voting for her.
10.   #beminebro – We begin to look at Carles’s male gender Valentine’s Day companions. Most of who use cigarettes for some reason.
11.   #rostambro – Here’s a true bro, in the best sense of the word.
12.   #d8qt – I think hair covering half your face is awesome.
13.   #squalorbb – Looking at her, I get a strong sense she’s a vegan and at some point lived on a commune in Northern California.
14.   #carlesbian – Mixing two words together to create a new one? This is a good idea, as is the hair color.
15.   #ih8peens – She’s just great. Also, ‘brojob’ might need to get added to the Urban Dictionary. Just saying.
16.   #Republican_Bro – Worth millions of dollars. Lives in Florida. Buff. What are you waiting for Carles?
17.   #grifter – Knowledge of Hipster Grifter meme & cute is an infinite win.
18.   #pizzahutalt – I think she does a radio show too, so she probably knows more than Carles about buzzbands (via Carles mentioning the same dozen or so over and over again).
19.   #buzzbitch – She’s actually really nice. She lives in New York. I live in New York. She needs a hipster boyfriend. I’ve reviewed about 150 different albums all with high degrees of obscurity. To her I say ‘Sup’. I heavily suggest voting for her.
20.   #hornie4carles – Um, she mixes adorability with a look that tells me she can kick my ass if she wanted.
21.   #panerabro – He lives in a better apartment than I do. To be honest, I’m jealous. In fact, he might be the most financially secure contestant. I heavily suggest voting for him.
22.   #projectgirl - Mere words can’t describe how wonderful a person she has been to Beach Sloth, back when I was even less popular than I am now (a hard thing to picture, I know).  I heavily suggest voting for her.
23.   #wavvcoast – Being able to draw a cartoon cat is always a key skill.
24.   #AliceGlassQT – A cutie.
25.   #slutwaver – In her poem, she stated the importance of her ass. By the second picture, she revealed a more ‘saucy’ photo.
I wonder whether or not naming a new winner will end up like the ‘SnacksGirl’, where we get about 2-3 posts about her and she goes back to living a normal alternative existence. Or will the winner grab the spotlight and become a star. A third choice would be Carles finds ‘true love’ and settles down to become a music teacher in an affluent suburb, willing to give up the blog for the cool dad lifestyle with three adorable children.

HIPSTER RUNOFF VALENTINE’S DAY QT CONTEST

    Carles needs somebody, someone like you. As Valentine’s Day approached, he realized buzzbands couldn’t warm him in these cold winter nights. Someone needed to be there, to care for him, to heart for him, and to help him become a more alternative person. Maybe Carles has become such a resident of the internet he’s forgotten how to love, and wants to learn how to experience a true human emotion. Sure, his transform into a computer helps him at Jeopardy but at the end of the day no one cares about that victory besides old people who are going to die relatively soon.

                What brought this need to love again? Could it be the coming of the most artificially romantic day of the year, Valentine’s Day? Part of me wants to say no, Carles is better than that, but he probably isn’t. He’s fond of ‘getting vulnerable’ with us, so part of his vulnerability is feeling lonely, needing true IRL friends besides Tao Lin, who lives in Brooklyn anyway and can’t rock him to sleep in his arms.

                Anyway, he suffered a few devastating setbacks this week. “Whoisarcadefire” a meme blog about the reaction of countless millions, ended up beating Carles to the punch about the Arcade Fire Grammy nomination. By that point, Carles realized what had happened to his blog. No longer did he have the energy to do the backbreaking Google searches required for decent meme coverage. His blog serves as ‘blog fertilizer’ in two ways: 

1. it inspires bloggers to come up with new ideas.

2. Some of Carles’s articles are pieces of shit.

                Below I want to introduce to some of the people who wanted to connect with Carles more than he wanted to connect with them. While they are able to put up their faces (and sometimes breasts), he remains in the shadows, unwilling to reveal himself. Maybe the success of this will lead to the ‘Hipster Runoff Dating Site’. We’ll see. I hope you learn about each one of these contestants. Note I didn’t include everybody.

1.       #palmqt – Seems cute.

2.       #postjuno – I wish she had a second half to her face.

3.       #wedidit – possesses a lot of confidence and obvious artistic skills.

4.       #chillwavebb – though she’s adorable, she’s unobtainable. Note the boyfriend taking the picture in the background. I’m sorry Carles.

5.       #B&Nbabe – Personally, this might help Carles get out of his ‘text speak’ phase. Having a literature valentine might not teach him how to heart, but also how to write.

6.       #whateverQT – Her approach to Valentine’s Day as ‘whatever’ meshes well with Carles’s attitude of ‘whatever’ towards life itself.

7.       #meme4evr – This is the coolest pirate eye patch I’ve ever seen.

8.       #sunflower_alt_qt – Coming from the Midwest into the big city. Aw. Plus, she misspelled Valentine.

9.       Blipster_alt_breasts – What is wrong with people? I don’t get why so few voted for this obviously awesome and excellent person. She can teach Carles how to be cool again, and how to be more relevant. I heavily suggest voting for her.

10.   #beminebro – We begin to look at Carles’s male gender Valentine’s Day companions. Most of who use cigarettes for some reason.

11.   #rostambro – Here’s a true bro, in the best sense of the word.

12.   #d8qt – I think hair covering half your face is awesome.

13.   #squalorbb – Looking at her, I get a strong sense she’s a vegan and at some point lived on a commune in Northern California.

14.   #carlesbian – Mixing two words together to create a new one? This is a good idea, as is the hair color.

15.   #ih8peens – She’s just great. Also, ‘brojob’ might need to get added to the Urban Dictionary. Just saying.

16.   #Republican_Bro – Worth millions of dollars. Lives in Florida. Buff. What are you waiting for Carles?

17.   #grifter – Knowledge of Hipster Grifter meme & cute is an infinite win.

18.   #pizzahutalt – I think she does a radio show too, so she probably knows more than Carles about buzzbands (via Carles mentioning the same dozen or so over and over again).

19.   #buzzbitch – She’s actually really nice. She lives in New York. I live in New York. She needs a hipster boyfriend. I’ve reviewed about 150 different albums all with high degrees of obscurity. To her I say ‘Sup’. I heavily suggest voting for her.

20.   #hornie4carles – Um, she mixes adorability with a look that tells me she can kick my ass if she wanted.

21.   #panerabro – He lives in a better apartment than I do. To be honest, I’m jealous. In fact, he might be the most financially secure contestant. I heavily suggest voting for him.

22.   #projectgirl - Mere words can’t describe how wonderful a person she has been to Beach Sloth, back when I was even less popular than I am now (a hard thing to picture, I know).  I heavily suggest voting for her.

23.   #wavvcoast – Being able to draw a cartoon cat is always a key skill.

24.   #AliceGlassQT – A cutie.

25.   #slutwaver – In her poem, she stated the importance of her ass. By the second picture, she revealed a more ‘saucy’ photo.

I wonder whether or not naming a new winner will end up like the ‘SnacksGirl’, where we get about 2-3 posts about her and she goes back to living a normal alternative existence. Or will the winner grab the spotlight and become a star. A third choice would be Carles finds ‘true love’ and settles down to become a music teacher in an affluent suburb, willing to give up the blog for the cool dad lifestyle with three adorable children.


                Two weeks have passed since I last covered the online hipster phenomena known as “Hipster Runoff”. A lot has happened in those two weeks. 2011 is the year Carles ‘pulls out all the stops’ and truly solidifies his online presence, since the internet has fully sucked him in. My wondering of him existing as a human being only increases upon this event.

                Of course, I’m talking about Hipster Runoff [official] coming onto Facebook. At first I was confused, like didn’t Hipster Runoff already exist on Facebook. Apparently that was a fake profile and this one was the real thing. So now you get updates from every single part of your online existence, from your RSS feed to your twitter, now finally making it to Facebook. 


                 I rushed in, becoming one of the select few to claim they got there early. Sadly, ‘second’ was already taken by Carles himself, eliminating the joy one might have derived from this action. Who got first? That proved to be ok, it was nice seeing Carles expose himself, his true self, and via the anonymous presence he has on the internet.

                While I said before that Hipster Runoff becoming a dating site, well I was wrong. Its presence on Facebook is a whole another matter. None of those people posting on HRO generally had a picture up of themselves. Looking through the profiles of the people posting, I am surprised at the amount of cuteness. Some of them look like perfect alt-baguettes. I’m half-tempted to sort of flirt with them, but I shouldn’t though I probably will anyway. For both men and women, there are serious HILFs (Hipsters I’d like to Fuck) in the group. 

                Oddly, I’m assuming this is why Carles set up a Facebook fan page in the first place. Some may think it is just another gimmick for Hipster Runoff to get more readers. I don’t think that, this appears to be a genius way for Carles to flirt with cute twenty-somethings. Sure, that hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I would put $20 on it since he already does that with Twitter.






           
               People act differently as well now that they have a picture associated with their words. They could hide behind an anonymous name, spewing nonsense before this. Actually, I like seeing what the commenters looked like. I felt a bit sad since only one of my other friends ended up liking it on Facebook. Clearly she ‘gets it’ while the rest of my friends are busy reading books by Karl Marx and working on their Grad School thesis. 

                 2011  might be the year that Hipster Runoff gains some relevancy again. Lately Carles has been almost in crisis  mode, constantly adding more and more to connect with him. We can call him,  have him talk to us on Facebook, I wonder what’s next? Will Carles have a Skype interview? Will Carles visit your house and drink a couple of beers with  you for 4 easy payments of $19.95? I’m a bit curious. He tried to charge  $3000 for having him hand-deliver his shirts, and that didn’t work. But  he might try again, who knows.

                Right now he’s taking on the persona of a kid who just joined Facebook. He asks his followers to tag pictures of him. This is funny because not only is it impossible to tag a fan page, but no one knows at all what he looks like or where he is. He pokes fun at the oversharing on the internet by deliberately providing incorrect information. 6969 Blog Avenue is not a real address, so please do not address mail to him, as he will not be able to receive it. 

                Parts of the group worry me.  Some people are wondering if Carles spends too much on Facebook and whether or not it’ll dilute his blog further. I wonder. I ponder the effects of his writing after being exposed to so many people. Does writing suffer upon being discovered by more people, of tweaking your writing for a particular audience? Having read his early stuff, I get the distinct impression he’s going to spend 2k11 trying to find what made HRO so special in the first place.

                These gimmicks buy him some time. With each one of these gimmicks, people focus more on his online presence and perhaps less on new styles he may be trying out. Hopefully he’ll be able to coin a new genre like he did in 2K9, I’m not sure if I count “Slutwave” as a genre or as a general observation, reflecting more on the packaging rather than the actual content.

                Stay tuned for more public insecurity from Carles as he takes on new personas and perhaps changes up his style and approach yet again.


                Two weeks have passed since I last covered the online hipster phenomena known as “Hipster Runoff”. A lot has happened in those two weeks. 2011 is the year Carles ‘pulls out all the stops’ and truly solidifies his online presence, since the internet has fully sucked him in. My wondering of him existing as a human being only increases upon this event.

                Of course, I’m talking about Hipster Runoff [official] coming onto Facebook. At first I was confused, like didn’t Hipster Runoff already exist on Facebook. Apparently that was a fake profile and this one was the real thing. So now you get updates from every single part of your online existence, from your RSS feed to your twitter, now finally making it to Facebook. 

                 I rushed in, becoming one of the select few to claim they got there early. Sadly, ‘second’ was already taken by Carles himself, eliminating the joy one might have derived from this action. Who got first? That proved to be ok, it was nice seeing Carles expose himself, his true self, and via the anonymous presence he has on the internet.

                While I said before that Hipster Runoff becoming a dating site, well I was wrong. Its presence on Facebook is a whole another matter. None of those people posting on HRO generally had a picture up of themselves. Looking through the profiles of the people posting, I am surprised at the amount of cuteness. Some of them look like perfect alt-baguettes. I’m half-tempted to sort of flirt with them, but I shouldn’t though I probably will anyway. For both men and women, there are serious HILFs (Hipsters I’d like to Fuck) in the group. 

                Oddly, I’m assuming this is why Carles set up a Facebook fan page in the first place. Some may think it is just another gimmick for Hipster Runoff to get more readers. I don’t think that, this appears to be a genius way for Carles to flirt with cute twenty-somethings. Sure, that hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I would put $20 on it since he already does that with Twitter.

           

               People act differently as well now that they have a picture associated with their words. They could hide behind an anonymous name, spewing nonsense before this. Actually, I like seeing what the commenters looked like. I felt a bit sad since only one of my other friends ended up liking it on Facebook. Clearly she ‘gets it’ while the rest of my friends are busy reading books by Karl Marx and working on their Grad School thesis. 

                 2011 might be the year that Hipster Runoff gains some relevancy again. Lately Carles has been almost in crisis mode, constantly adding more and more to connect with him. We can call him, have him talk to us on Facebook, I wonder what’s next? Will Carles have a Skype interview? Will Carles visit your house and drink a couple of beers with you for 4 easy payments of $19.95? I’m a bit curious. He tried to charge $3000 for having him hand-deliver his shirts, and that didn’t work. But he might try again, who knows.

                Right now he’s taking on the persona of a kid who just joined Facebook. He asks his followers to tag pictures of him. This is funny because not only is it impossible to tag a fan page, but no one knows at all what he looks like or where he is. He pokes fun at the oversharing on the internet by deliberately providing incorrect information. 6969 Blog Avenue is not a real address, so please do not address mail to him, as he will not be able to receive it. 

                Parts of the group worry me.  Some people are wondering if Carles spends too much on Facebook and whether or not it’ll dilute his blog further. I wonder. I ponder the effects of his writing after being exposed to so many people. Does writing suffer upon being discovered by more people, of tweaking your writing for a particular audience? Having read his early stuff, I get the distinct impression he’s going to spend 2k11 trying to find what made HRO so special in the first place.

                These gimmicks buy him some time. With each one of these gimmicks, people focus more on his online presence and perhaps less on new styles he may be trying out. Hopefully he’ll be able to coin a new genre like he did in 2K9, I’m not sure if I count “Slutwave” as a genre or as a general observation, reflecting more on the packaging rather than the actual content.

                Stay tuned for more public insecurity from Carles as he takes on new personas and perhaps changes up his style and approach yet again.

Origin Story 4
California in the 60s embodied the best of  America: great schools, wonderful bands, nice clean beaches that  extended into infinity. I used to walk around the beach, hanging out,  practicing my voice for the choir. I felt blessed knowing that I had  been chosen to become a child actor, a career that had no negative side  effects whatsoever.                 Having so much power felt  great. I played Tommy in the hit TV show “Eight is Enough”. Eight was  more than enough, with me being the main attraction. The other children  were mere decorations compared to the grit and soul I gave to Tommy’s  character. Later in “Charles in Charge” I played Buddy, a cool bro with  Scott Baio. Together we changed the face of Television. 
                Off the set, I became a  buddy to many as well. My all-night parties are still talked about to  this very day. A few of them lasted for days, as I played the hell out  of my guitar for my indie rock band “Willie Ames & Paradise”.  Successfully I wooed many young starlets with my songs about drinking,  doing drugs, and having crazy amounts of sex.
                 Life felt great. I nearly  won an Oscar for my role in the hit movie “Zapped”. Work came to me like  the sun did in the morning. Everything would last forever in the 80s. I  was king of the world.
                Sadly, my reign got cut  short by the 90s. In the 90s, people stopped doing as many drugs.  Worried, I saw a therapist, but he didn’t help. Instead, my therapist  appeared to be enabling me with my bad behavior. So I continued doing a  ton of drugs and alcohol.                Things became real one day  though. As I stood in line at 7/11 at 4 in the afternoon, completely out  of my mind on Quaaludes, a little girl coming home from school began  singing:

Charles in Charge  Of our days and our nights  Charles in Charge  Of our wrongs and our rights  And I sing, I want,  I want Charles in Charge of me.
           I thought I was in charge of my life. But here I was, freaking out  heavily in the aisle of a 7/11, stealing pet food to eat. The song  reminded me of being younger, more responsible. Charles, I remembered  him well. He was the therapist I saw, who I stole his kid’s college fund  of $80,000 to buy more blow. Obviously he enabled me, by allowing me to  go on his computer while he went to the bathroom and removing funds  from his online checking account. It was a test of faith, and I passed.
           Rehab looked good. For a while, I thought I’d just try  methamphetamines, but Christianity appealed to me slightly more. Plus, I  didn’t really have enough money for any more drugs, so Christianity had  a lower money threshold.
           Being a born again Christian, I decided to repent for my wicked ways. I  wrote my former therapist Charles a thank you note for the $80,000 I  stole from him. It read:Dear Charles, Thank you for the $80,000.I used it to buy blow.Due to my large purchase I got a discount. It was good shit.           Around that time, I figured why not let other people understand the joy  I had in discovering the Lord. Watching Spiderman expose himself to  children, and Batman’s generally erratic behavior, I thought why not  create a more stable superhero. Too many superheroes harbored grunges.  Instead of that, I figured have a Superhero who gained his powers from  passages in the Bible. Someone told me that the superhero should be  named “Bibleman” but I told that ‘someone’ to get out of my face.
           Bibleman ended up a tremendous success. I not only got to reappear on  TV but taught children about the joys of worshipping Jesus. Then the  criticism came in. Rather than journalists taking hold of my comparison  to “High Budget Sunday School mixed with Batman” they instead described  it as “overweight man quotes passages from the Bible”. Others stated  that even though Veggietales were animated vegetables they had more soul  than the hallowed out shell I had. 
           I tried to not let it bother me. Moving to Kansas to escape it all, I  realized I couldn’t afford Kansas since I had no money. Quoting the  bible, I stated that “It is easier for a camel to pass through the hole  of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven” – some dude  in the Bible. No matter what I did, becoming an ordained minister,  fighting evil doers with bible passages, nothing worked. Without anyone  to turn to, I moved back to Los Angeles.
           On Thanksgiving Day I thought about what I was thankful. I said quietly  to myself, tears welling up in my eyes “Nothing”. Mulling over what I  should do next, I looked at the Bible. Asking myself “What would Jesus  do?” I came to the answer “Kill Himself”. Disappointed at how dark the  Bible was, and how I didn’t really understand it so hot, I began to  prepare myself for suicide.   
        Trying to place a noose on the ceiling fan, the table broke beneath my  legs. Stupid table, I yelled at the inanimate object. Extracting its  revenge, a piece of the wooden table stuck itself in my ass. Calling the  hospital, I underwent emergency ass surgery.
           My doctor came in with a stoic expression on her face. Reading my  charts, she solemnly stated “You may never fart again.” Days went by as a  thought of a world without farts. Children played outside my room, I  watched them from my bed. One of the kids asked the other “Pull my  finger”. I literally broke down and shoved my head into my pillow,  uncontrollably sobbing. Luckily for me, the surgery was successful but  my farting situation remained tenuous at best.  
           For weeks I walked around with a cast around my ass, drawing all sorts  of unwanted attention. By staying inside, I avoided the taunts of  schoolchildren. Catching up on music, my last true salvation, I stumbled  upon music blogs. These music blogs offered various repeating links, to  Pitchfork and Tiny Mix Tapes. One displayed a different sort of link,  to a place called “Hipster Runoff”. Reading it, I felt relevant for the  first time in years. His writing spoke to my soul. I re-wrote the  “Charles in Charge” theme song into “Carles in Charge”. Upon the  liquidation of my estate in Kansas, Carles suggested we meet up.
           Carles’s real name is Poindexter Dinkelhof the III, a 42 year old  accountant from Wichita, Kansas. Meeting him at a local Chili’s with his  wife, he explained to me how I could turn my life around. For him,  music gave him an outlet that he didn’t have in his real job. His  children loved him for it, he said. Do something that you’ve always  wanted to do, change your life he told me.
           Feeling inspired and bankrupt, I became a licensed financial advisor.  Since I went into bankruptcy and hit rock bottom, I decided my woes were  things others might learn from. Also, I got a job working as  entertainment for a cruise line, fulfilling my dreams of becoming a  true-blue traveler of the world.
           In my free time I created a music blog in the style of HRO, except not  as good. Naming it “Beach Sloth” it began late this summer. 
           Why the name, you might ask? Well, since I’m a big believer in  Christianity, I wanted to convert all beings into Christianity,  beginning with the animals. Since sloths are named after a sin, I wanted  to reach out to them first.
           Once I get enough money, I want to lure the sloths to the beach by  putting lots of comfy pillows on the sand. After they are lulled to  sleep, I will then baptize them. Upon their baptism, I’ll offer them  coffee so they might be more productive members of society.           Hopefully you’ve learned something about me today. I heart all of you.

Origin Story 4


California in the 60s embodied the best of America: great schools, wonderful bands, nice clean beaches that extended into infinity. I used to walk around the beach, hanging out, practicing my voice for the choir. I felt blessed knowing that I had been chosen to become a child actor, a career that had no negative side effects whatsoever. 

                Having so much power felt great. I played Tommy in the hit TV show “Eight is Enough”. Eight was more than enough, with me being the main attraction. The other children were mere decorations compared to the grit and soul I gave to Tommy’s character. Later in “Charles in Charge” I played Buddy, a cool bro with Scott Baio. Together we changed the face of Television. 


                Off the set, I became a buddy to many as well. My all-night parties are still talked about to this very day. A few of them lasted for days, as I played the hell out of my guitar for my indie rock band “Willie Ames & Paradise”. Successfully I wooed many young starlets with my songs about drinking, doing drugs, and having crazy amounts of sex.


                Life felt great. I nearly won an Oscar for my role in the hit movie “Zapped”. Work came to me like the sun did in the morning. Everything would last forever in the 80s. I was king of the world.


                Sadly, my reign got cut short by the 90s. In the 90s, people stopped doing as many drugs. Worried, I saw a therapist, but he didn’t help. Instead, my therapist appeared to be enabling me with my bad behavior. So I continued doing a ton of drugs and alcohol.

                Things became real one day though. As I stood in line at 7/11 at 4 in the afternoon, completely out of my mind on Quaaludes, a little girl coming home from school began singing:

Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights

And I sing, I want,
I want Charles in Charge of me.


          I thought I was in charge of my life. But here I was, freaking out heavily in the aisle of a 7/11, stealing pet food to eat. The song reminded me of being younger, more responsible. Charles, I remembered him well. He was the therapist I saw, who I stole his kid’s college fund of $80,000 to buy more blow. Obviously he enabled me, by allowing me to go on his computer while he went to the bathroom and removing funds from his online checking account. It was a test of faith, and I passed.


          Rehab looked good. For a while, I thought I’d just try methamphetamines, but Christianity appealed to me slightly more. Plus, I didn’t really have enough money for any more drugs, so Christianity had a lower money threshold.


          Being a born again Christian, I decided to repent for my wicked ways. I wrote my former therapist Charles a thank you note for the $80,000 I stole from him. It read:


Dear Charles, Thank you for the $80,000.I used it to buy blow.Due to my large purchase I got a discount. It was good shit.


          Around that time, I figured why not let other people understand the joy I had in discovering the Lord. Watching Spiderman expose himself to children, and Batman’s generally erratic behavior, I thought why not create a more stable superhero. Too many superheroes harbored grunges. Instead of that, I figured have a Superhero who gained his powers from passages in the Bible. Someone told me that the superhero should be named “Bibleman” but I told that ‘someone’ to get out of my face.


          Bibleman ended up a tremendous success. I not only got to reappear on TV but taught children about the joys of worshipping Jesus. Then the criticism came in. Rather than journalists taking hold of my comparison to “High Budget Sunday School mixed with Batman” they instead described it as “overweight man quotes passages from the Bible”. Others stated that even though Veggietales were animated vegetables they had more soul than the hallowed out shell I had. 


          I tried to not let it bother me. Moving to Kansas to escape it all, I realized I couldn’t afford Kansas since I had no money. Quoting the bible, I stated that “It is easier for a camel to pass through the hole of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven” – some dude in the Bible. No matter what I did, becoming an ordained minister, fighting evil doers with bible passages, nothing worked. Without anyone to turn to, I moved back to Los Angeles.


          On Thanksgiving Day I thought about what I was thankful. I said quietly to myself, tears welling up in my eyes “Nothing”. Mulling over what I should do next, I looked at the Bible. Asking myself “What would Jesus do?” I came to the answer “Kill Himself”. Disappointed at how dark the Bible was, and how I didn’t really understand it so hot, I began to prepare myself for suicide.

   

       Trying to place a noose on the ceiling fan, the table broke beneath my legs. Stupid table, I yelled at the inanimate object. Extracting its revenge, a piece of the wooden table stuck itself in my ass. Calling the hospital, I underwent emergency ass surgery.


          My doctor came in with a stoic expression on her face. Reading my charts, she solemnly stated “You may never fart again.” Days went by as a thought of a world without farts. Children played outside my room, I watched them from my bed. One of the kids asked the other “Pull my finger”. I literally broke down and shoved my head into my pillow, uncontrollably sobbing. Luckily for me, the surgery was successful but my farting situation remained tenuous at best.  


          For weeks I walked around with a cast around my ass, drawing all sorts of unwanted attention. By staying inside, I avoided the taunts of schoolchildren. Catching up on music, my last true salvation, I stumbled upon music blogs. These music blogs offered various repeating links, to Pitchfork and Tiny Mix Tapes. One displayed a different sort of link, to a place called “Hipster Runoff”. Reading it, I felt relevant for the first time in years. His writing spoke to my soul. I re-wrote the “Charles in Charge” theme song into “Carles in Charge”. Upon the liquidation of my estate in Kansas, Carles suggested we meet up.


          Carles’s real name is Poindexter Dinkelhof the III, a 42 year old accountant from Wichita, Kansas. Meeting him at a local Chili’s with his wife, he explained to me how I could turn my life around. For him, music gave him an outlet that he didn’t have in his real job. His children loved him for it, he said. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do, change your life he told me.


          Feeling inspired and bankrupt, I became a licensed financial advisor. Since I went into bankruptcy and hit rock bottom, I decided my woes were things others might learn from. Also, I got a job working as entertainment for a cruise line, fulfilling my dreams of becoming a true-blue traveler of the world.


          In my free time I created a music blog in the style of HRO, except not as good. Naming it “Beach Sloth” it began late this summer. 


          Why the name, you might ask? Well, since I’m a big believer in Christianity, I wanted to convert all beings into Christianity, beginning with the animals. Since sloths are named after a sin, I wanted to reach out to them first.


          Once I get enough money, I want to lure the sloths to the beach by putting lots of comfy pillows on the sand. After they are lulled to sleep, I will then baptize them. Upon their baptism, I’ll offer them coffee so they might be more productive members of society. 

          Hopefully you’ve learned something about me today. I heart all of you.

Carles started this contest with the best of  intentions: to create additional traffic so he could feed his family.  Sadly, this all went horribly, unmistakably wrong for him.  It started out with some acute observations  on the current state of what is considered “alternative” Halloween  costumes. Focusing on Wes Anderson inspired garb, he brutally labeled  each one in thick red letter saying “FAIL”. According to Carles’  exquisite taste, this sort of fakeness was something he could not  tolerate. Seeing how long ago those movies came out, he figured that  people ought to dress up as more relevant, more “now”.  As Carles stared blankly, looking at cars  passing by as he took his daily Segue way through the desert, reflecting  on humanity, he realized what he needed to do. Quickly running towards  his authentic Mac Book, he immediately decided to draw up a Halloween  contest, for those souls who hovered around his website like moths to  the light.  The announcement stated how he would write a  letter to your parents explaining you as a “person” and write a letter  to a Grad School of your choice. Admissions officers all clearly have  read and follow Hipster Runoff, so they would no doubt be impressed by  your costume-making/personal branding skills. What shocked everyone was  not just the chance to curate Hipster Runoff for a day, but to speak to  and meet Carles IN PERSON AT CHILIS! Finally a chance for those who have  wondered what Carles looks like but never bothered doing a basic Google  image search to confirm what he looks like was given. Over the  course of the week, people submitted their costumes. Life felt good for  this pioneers of the hip and trendy. As a fellow hip/trendy person, I  know how sad it is to be so damn cool. Sometimes it is just difficult  going to a party with a costume that’s just leagues beyond these mere  plebeians. Only years later would those mounds of boring start laughing  at how perfectly genius your costume really was.  Carles tried to sway the online community,  saying how he was “Vibing Hard” to the Snacks the Cat character. On his  influential post about which costume ought to win, he showed her picture  on 8 separate occasions. Coming from the great state of Idaho, it is  clear that whoever Snacks the Cat was received her culture injections  purely from the internet since an authentic indie culture infrastructure  is still not in place for that state. The best they have is just a  Knitting Factory concert hall (in Boise), which is a step in the right  direction, but not all the way there yet. Some of the commenters began  to worry about the eventual picks, by cursing each other’s existence out  (of particular note, Carles Sagan’s breakdown).  Justice got served though. By their  attempts to hack into the system, they ruined the contest. Carles’  diligent technicians/friends he gave a few bucks to were dumbfounded.  Instead, they had to go by pure positive votes. They must have known the  wrenching heartache that would result among the lily-livered HRO  community, especially considering the controversy surrounding Snacks the  Cat. Slutty Wolf Bro was apparently the winner  before the system was hacked, but afterwards she came in towards the  bottom of the ten. Commenters rued this outcome, saying how they ‘banged  her’ and that she was ‘sexier’ than Snacks the Cat Girl.  Even with the happy outcome for a genuinely  wholesome costume, there were still a few creepers around to rain on  her parade. Some stated that Carles deliberately choose it for a perfect  “Human Meme” kind of feel, since it is a blog, it needs a meme. Others  gave off a distinctly “pedo” feel to the proceedings. While a few more  adventurous souls looked on the internet for additional pictures and age  verification so they could feel more/less creepy simultaneously. From my perspective, I’m glad the community  was engaged. Though not my favorite one (I personally adored the Jerry  Seinfeld one), Snacks the Cat appears to be the best informed of the  bunch. By deliberately referencing the site she was trying to win on,  she pretty much was assured victory by those who spend their mornings  reading HRO before heading off to their un-fulfilling office jobs.  Godspeed Snacks the Cat!

Carles started this contest with the best of intentions: to create additional traffic so he could feed his family. Sadly, this all went horribly, unmistakably wrong for him. 
It started out with some acute observations on the current state of what is considered “alternative” Halloween costumes. Focusing on Wes Anderson inspired garb, he brutally labeled each one in thick red letter saying “FAIL”. According to Carles’ exquisite taste, this sort of fakeness was something he could not tolerate. Seeing how long ago those movies came out, he figured that people ought to dress up as more relevant, more “now”. 
As Carles stared blankly, looking at cars passing by as he took his daily Segue way through the desert, reflecting on humanity, he realized what he needed to do. Quickly running towards his authentic Mac Book, he immediately decided to draw up a Halloween contest, for those souls who hovered around his website like moths to the light. 
The announcement stated how he would write a letter to your parents explaining you as a “person” and write a letter to a Grad School of your choice. Admissions officers all clearly have read and follow Hipster Runoff, so they would no doubt be impressed by your costume-making/personal branding skills. What shocked everyone was not just the chance to curate Hipster Runoff for a day, but to speak to and meet Carles IN PERSON AT CHILIS! Finally a chance for those who have wondered what Carles looks like but never bothered doing a basic Google image search to confirm what he looks like was given.
Over the course of the week, people submitted their costumes. Life felt good for this pioneers of the hip and trendy. As a fellow hip/trendy person, I know how sad it is to be so damn cool. Sometimes it is just difficult going to a party with a costume that’s just leagues beyond these mere plebeians. Only years later would those mounds of boring start laughing at how perfectly genius your costume really was. 
Carles tried to sway the online community, saying how he was “Vibing Hard” to the Snacks the Cat character. On his influential post about which costume ought to win, he showed her picture on 8 separate occasions. Coming from the great state of Idaho, it is clear that whoever Snacks the Cat was received her culture injections purely from the internet since an authentic indie culture infrastructure is still not in place for that state. The best they have is just a Knitting Factory concert hall (in Boise), which is a step in the right direction, but not all the way there yet. Some of the commenters began to worry about the eventual picks, by cursing each other’s existence out (of particular note, Carles Sagan’s breakdown). 
Justice got served though. By their attempts to hack into the system, they ruined the contest. Carles’ diligent technicians/friends he gave a few bucks to were dumbfounded. Instead, they had to go by pure positive votes. They must have known the wrenching heartache that would result among the lily-livered HRO community, especially considering the controversy surrounding Snacks the Cat.
Slutty Wolf Bro was apparently the winner before the system was hacked, but afterwards she came in towards the bottom of the ten. Commenters rued this outcome, saying how they ‘banged her’ and that she was ‘sexier’ than Snacks the Cat Girl. 
Even with the happy outcome for a genuinely wholesome costume, there were still a few creepers around to rain on her parade. Some stated that Carles deliberately choose it for a perfect “Human Meme” kind of feel, since it is a blog, it needs a meme. Others gave off a distinctly “pedo” feel to the proceedings. While a few more adventurous souls looked on the internet for additional pictures and age verification so they could feel more/less creepy simultaneously.
From my perspective, I’m glad the community was engaged. Though not my favorite one (I personally adored the Jerry Seinfeld one), Snacks the Cat appears to be the best informed of the bunch. By deliberately referencing the site she was trying to win on, she pretty much was assured victory by those who spend their mornings reading HRO before heading off to their un-fulfilling office jobs. 
Godspeed Snacks the Cat!

Tao Lin and the online entity known as “Carles” who may or may not be a real human being with actual “non-ironic” emotions came together and made this little ditty.

Mixing together floating pieces of various spoken word, it displays the vulnerability so often displayed by Carles on his famous blog “Hipster Runoff”. The song, beat-wise, hearkens back to the blog house era of 2007. Even the melody is there, but in a dance way. It adds emotional depth to an already overwhelmingly angst-ridden song.

Actually, it is pretty good. Personally, I enjoy Tao’s voice more than Carles’, but that’s just a personal preference. Tao is probably the most interesting person to come out of the Generation Y field of writers. I know this because the New York Times dumped on his book Richard Yates. For the New York Times to even do that is a big deal, showing that he’s moved up to the next rung on the literature ladder.

Carles is the zeitgeist of our times. His brilliant, post-emo, post-ironic scrawls on his website “Hipster Runoff” have become so popular that people often hover around his site, waiting in vain to claim ‘first’, showing how relevant they are to the blog-o-sphere. Unlike Tao, the New York Times appears to have a grudging respect for him. They admitted as much when the stated they deliberately used the word “Hipster” in their articles to gain more readership, because hey, Hipsters like reading about other Hipsters. 
 
 
I came to the party late for Jesus Christ the Indie Band. Hopefully this band didn’t die for music’s sins, since it doesn’t appear like anything new has been done on their twitter thing for nigh on a year. Maybe that’s part of the reason 2010 hasn’t been as exciting, because we’re still waiting for Jesus Christ the Indie Band to rise from the dead and bring peace on Earth. Perhaps we’ll be able to witness the second coming this year, when it finally tweets its 11th tweet and releases that EP.

But I know no matter what happens Jesus Christ the Indie Band won’t disappoint its father, who thrust this upon his young son.

Tao Lin and the online entity known as “Carles” who may or may not be a real human being with actual “non-ironic” emotions came together and made this little ditty.

Mixing together floating pieces of various spoken word, it displays the vulnerability so often displayed by Carles on his famous blog “Hipster Runoff”. The song, beat-wise, hearkens back to the blog house era of 2007. Even the melody is there, but in a dance way. It adds emotional depth to an already overwhelmingly angst-ridden song.

Actually, it is pretty good. Personally, I enjoy Tao’s voice more than Carles’, but that’s just a personal preference. Tao is probably the most interesting person to come out of the Generation Y field of writers. I know this because the New York Times dumped on his book Richard Yates. For the New York Times to even do that is a big deal, showing that he’s moved up to the next rung on the literature ladder.

Carles is the zeitgeist of our times. His brilliant, post-emo, post-ironic scrawls on his website “Hipster Runoff” have become so popular that people often hover around his site, waiting in vain to claim ‘first’, showing how relevant they are to the blog-o-sphere. Unlike Tao, the New York Times appears to have a grudging respect for him. They admitted as much when the stated they deliberately used the word “Hipster” in their articles to gain more readership, because hey, Hipsters like reading about other Hipsters. 

 

I came to the party late for Jesus Christ the Indie Band. Hopefully this band didn’t die for music’s sins, since it doesn’t appear like anything new has been done on their twitter thing for nigh on a year. Maybe that’s part of the reason 2010 hasn’t been as exciting, because we’re still waiting for Jesus Christ the Indie Band to rise from the dead and bring peace on Earth. Perhaps we’ll be able to witness the second coming this year, when it finally tweets its 11th tweet and releases that EP.

But I know no matter what happens Jesus Christ the Indie Band won’t disappoint its father, who thrust this upon his young son.