Beach Sloth

The First Book of Philosophical Sexts by Quantus Copericus and Satanic Banana

                Buttercup McGillicuddy and Satanic Banana are behind this book of philosophy. As Buttercup recently released a list of girls entitled ‘crushes’ this is the logical progression of his ‘crush brand’. Is Buttercup the flirt of alt lit? I think he is. With these philosophical sexts he unfortunately ‘gives up’ some of his better sexts. Though I guess these are the ‘PG’ rated sexts. Buttercup is bolder. Satanic takes a more humorous surreal tone. 

                Inside of you inside of me is the first SEXT. This hurts. Buttercup is quite forward here. Satanic relates to the trees. Glaciers take it slow. Watch them crash into each other. For their love the universe explodes. Satan just wants the end of the world and a pizza. Yep she’s really Satan. Pizza is the most Satanic food. Buttercup goes into the whole ‘jungle creatures that die after mating’. Think that’s romantic. Death is romantic. Sex is kind of romantic, but death, damn. 

                Scientists mate. Buttercup explains his height and length. That’s a bit much. I wonder who Buttercup sent these texts to. Liquid nitrogen works on the heart. It makes it fragile prone to breaking. Wonder how a non-scientist gets hold of such materials. Reading sexts after the event can be erotic and depressing. Sext is funny that way. Text-based love can only offer so much. 

                How does Buttercup send a sext while in the middle of the act? Can you time sexts for maximum sextiness? I wonder how the science of sexts. Satanic knows this is difficult and results in gibberish. Sex while walking is big in the Pacific Northwest. Wish I knew why. The Pacific Northwest has figured out how to live. Both know batteries are finite. They must meet and stop the sexts. It needs to be IRL. I disagree. When you have sexts you can sext anywhere, anyplace. 

                Richmond is a lie. Poor Buttercup cannot lie to his parents. He looks on Facebook and suffers from Facebook sadness. Satanic never tells the truth for she is Satan. Satan lies to his parents all the time. Go Satan! The hump pun is important to Buttercup as he forfeits it to the Princess of Darkness. Quickly the camels travel into other times and religions. Dimensions of sex exist. Love is all about that. 

                Koalas are deemed to be ‘sext worthy’. I doubt the potency of Koala hotness. Those things attack you. Screw Koalas. Alligators, now they are beautiful. Remember alligators must be more romantic to make up for their appearance. Koalas coast on their looks. Fuck Koalas. Buttercup has a weird Halloween costume fetish. Is this a gateway to becoming a furry? Having met Buttercup I can say ‘Yes’. 

                Leaves fall. That’s the autumn lifestyle for them. When leaves land on the ground they know the tree no longer loves them. Poor leaves find themselves in the rakes of suburbanites. On the side of the road they provide shelter to gross insects, later to be disturbed by energetic children. Afterwards the two become frogs to eat those very insect, right in front of a courthouse because they are classy, hence the genital top hats. 

                Hope Buttercup and Satanic have sexts left in them after this highly erotic exchange. Wonder if either ever uses these in actual sexts if the recipient will have previously read them and will be completely turned off. This is how one suffers for art I guess. Sexts are the newest movement in alt lit as alt lit gets closer and closer to being an overly complicated flirtation device.