Which Alt Lit Writer Are You? Take The Quiz. By Josh Spilker

                Alt Lit is growing huge. Ever since some random English bro from England decided to mock Alt Lit it has gone international. Perhaps Josh Baines did not intend for his Vice Magazine article to essentially make Alt Lit official, well tough for him it is stronger than ever. Recently a major player in the Alt Lit scene, some southern bro named Josh Spilker took it to the next level. By taking an online quiz one can find out exactly what Alt Lit writer they are. The results are astounding. 

                Beach Sloth got “Beach Sloth” as a writer. Steve Roggenbuck got “Steve Roggenbuck”. The test obviously works and obviously is pretty great. Maybe writers might object to being classified by a particular style but whatever, at least with an online test it becomes a little bit easier. Before the Internet people were doing it anyway, comparing themselves to Ernest Hemingway because they too hated people or comparing themselves to Charles Bukowski because they too hated people. 

                Unlike previous writing movements Alt Lit tends to not hate people. This is why a lot of people take issue with Alt Lit, claiming it does not “hate people enough” and is not outright “angry”. Rather Alt Lit explores what it means to be alive today and honestly it does not mean much. Nasty edges from life have been smoothed off to reveal a sometimes deep-seeded sadness that the world offers to everybody. By trying to actively find ways to get out of a culture that can at times feel so negative it can liberate people. 

                The quiz shows off this fact. Partly joking the ridiculousness of “What ___ are you” quizzes that rule the Internet’s waves the quiz tries to determine exactly what it is that makes up the essence of being alive online today. Life is mostly lived online anyway, downloaded occasionally when people need to go to work and to hang out in public. 

                Everybody really ought to take the quiz. Upon completing the quiz Beach Sloth ate yummy pickled and spicy asparagus. This could be anybody’s life, a life of leisure and a helping of greens. Questions within the quiz are the kind of things that make anyone re-evaluate their life and wonder if they are living it correctly. Honestly there is no wrong way to live a life. Nobody has the same path. Some people’s paths lead them online. Some people’s paths lead them offline. Beach Sloth does not know those offline people but he has heard things about them and assumes they exist. With this quiz though people can do more than merely exist they can live their life.

Today is Stephen Michael McDowell’s Birthday

                For those unaware Stephen Michael McDowell turns the big 26 today. With great years comes great responsibility. Stephen Michael McDowell has greatness in spades but this isn’t sort lame card game this is reality. The life lifestyle is one Stephen Michael McDowell lives with the greatest of ease. His break out into the Alt Lit scene began with a feature length film which immediately attracted media attention particularly from the then upstart BlogSpot run by the anonymous Beach Sloth. Ever since Stephen Michael McDowell’s “big break” on Beach Sloth he has continued to do bigger, better and more blog-worthy things. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell has been featured on the reputable web blog Beach Sloth over one hundred times. Other blogs have featured Stephen Michael McDowell’s exquisite work but they have nothing to do with Beach Sloth so they don’t count. Beach Sloth is literally the pinnacle of Alt Lit success superseding everything else in the literary universe. Honestly Beach Sloth is the Sun in the Alt Lit universe and thanks to Beach Sloth Stephen Michael McDowell has become a star. 

                Everything Stephen Michael McDowell does is pure gold. Had Californians discovered Stephen Michael in the 1850s instead of nothing they could have struck it rich! Poor Californians of the 1850s might have become rich in spirit which is basically the same thing as being rich in literal money. Besides his ever-impressive writing Stephen Michael McDowell runs the New Hive scene. Beach Sloth is on the New Hive scene but honestly Stephen Michael McDowell rents out a stall to Beach Sloth to use on weekends. Beach Sloth is infinitely grateful for everything Stephen Michael McDowell has done for him. 

                Beach Sloth and Stephen Michael McDowell are the best of friends through thick and thin and whatever other density they encounter.  Owning the Alt Lit game and renting it out to others is how Stephen Michael McDowell makes his money, tens of dollars a month. What is next for Stephen Michael McDowell? The world is Stephen Michael McDowell’s oyster and fortunately for him he is not allergic. Currently Stephen Michael McDowell has a lot of things in the works including cool visual work that is guaranteed to rock. Additionally Stephen Michael McDowell is going to be working with Boost House in the near future for classes for online students. Maybe Beach Sloth might be working at that school, who knows? 

                For now though only one thing remains certain: that Stephen Michael McDowell needs Happy Birthday wishes. So anybody who can possibly wish him a Happy Birthday really should.

Today is Stephen Michael McDowell’s Birthday

                For those unaware Stephen Michael McDowell turns the big 26 today. With great years comes great responsibility. Stephen Michael McDowell has greatness in spades but this isn’t sort lame card game this is reality. The life lifestyle is one Stephen Michael McDowell lives with the greatest of ease. His break out into the Alt Lit scene began with a feature length film which immediately attracted media attention particularly from the then upstart BlogSpot run by the anonymous Beach Sloth. Ever since Stephen Michael McDowell’s “big break” on Beach Sloth he has continued to do bigger, better and more blog-worthy things. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell has been featured on the reputable web blog Beach Sloth over one hundred times. Other blogs have featured Stephen Michael McDowell’s exquisite work but they have nothing to do with Beach Sloth so they don’t count. Beach Sloth is literally the pinnacle of Alt Lit success superseding everything else in the literary universe. Honestly Beach Sloth is the Sun in the Alt Lit universe and thanks to Beach Sloth Stephen Michael McDowell has become a star. 

                Everything Stephen Michael McDowell does is pure gold. Had Californians discovered Stephen Michael in the 1850s instead of nothing they could have struck it rich! Poor Californians of the 1850s might have become rich in spirit which is basically the same thing as being rich in literal money. Besides his ever-impressive writing Stephen Michael McDowell runs the New Hive scene. Beach Sloth is on the New Hive scene but honestly Stephen Michael McDowell rents out a stall to Beach Sloth to use on weekends. Beach Sloth is infinitely grateful for everything Stephen Michael McDowell has done for him. 

                Beach Sloth and Stephen Michael McDowell are the best of friends through thick and thin and whatever other density they encounter.  Owning the Alt Lit game and renting it out to others is how Stephen Michael McDowell makes his money, tens of dollars a month. What is next for Stephen Michael McDowell? The world is Stephen Michael McDowell’s oyster and fortunately for him he is not allergic. Currently Stephen Michael McDowell has a lot of things in the works including cool visual work that is guaranteed to rock. Additionally Stephen Michael McDowell is going to be working with Boost House in the near future for classes for online students. Maybe Beach Sloth might be working at that school, who knows? 

                For now though only one thing remains certain: that Stephen Michael McDowell needs Happy Birthday wishes. So anybody who can possibly wish him a Happy Birthday really should.

Alt Lit: The Latest Internet Writing Trend by Brittany Allen

                Alt Lit is growing up. Took a while but now this is happening. For years Alt Lit has churned on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, with Klout scores calculated with the greatest of ease. Of course the Klout scores were part of an algorithm so really there was no math to handle. Hence the Klout scores increased with Alt Lit individuals gaining clout in poetry, writing, cat food, dinosaurs, and whatever else. Many Alt Lit individuals have seen themselves published in big shiny-ass books for the outside world (aka NOT THE INTERNET) to see. 

                Brittany Allen gives credit where credit is due. A lot of Alt Lit writers have been working tirelessly to try to make it. They have made it hundreds of thousands of artifacts the kinds of things that may be only transitory. Internet writing tends to be that way although the wonderful thing about Internet art is that it is cached not cashed. Hence the focus tends to be on simply finding a voice more than anything else. Over the course of Alt Lit’s brief life a lot of voices have been discovered, plenty of people making their MEME-PLEXES, stylistically similar artifacts that correlate to each other. Such things are beautiful indeed. 

                The boldness of Alt Lit is that it is a rebellious form. How long honestly can cynicism be expected to move anything forward? A lot of the writing from the 90s and early 00s seemed to love cynicism. With too much of that there needs to be a cool-down period, perhaps a rediscovering of sincerity. Alt Lit is easy enough to get into as it does not have any specific geographic location. Various strains of Alt Lit can be found in either rural (Maine, Idaho, Alaska) or urban (New York, Chicago, Los Angeles) locations. Unlike previous writing movements where there were “scenes” the geographic abundance means there can be different strains that spread across the United States and even internationally. 

                Internet Poetry, Muumuu House, Civil Coping Mechanisms, Shabby Doll House, Alt Lit Gossip, Keep This Bag Away from Children, these are just a few of the places where Alt Lit writers have managed to come together. And Brittany Allen is right: there is a lot to do online. Much of it wastes time effort energy just reading those lists (top ten whatever) that eat away providing distraction not insight. Alt Lit reacts against that using the Internet not as a way to waste time but as a gallery. Everything online can be curated and created by someone. The wonderful thing about the Internet is someone can create art and no matter how quiet they are about it someone will find it. That is the beauty of the Alt Lit movement.   

"Alt Lit" - Episode Three - presented by NerveTV by Sebastian Sommer

                Relationships are hard. That’s what this episode is saying. Sebastian Sommer dives deep into the inner workings of the human mind. Every one of these relationships fails. Which leads to the obvious question: can writers have relationships? Out of Alt Lit there appear to be different camps, some adhering to the ‘hook up’ lifestyle. Yet others go for the full-fledged love fests spanning time zones and in rare cases continents. Love can conquer all. Unfortunately the young attractive and newly single individuals in the third installment fail to understand how to keep it together. 

                ‘Not of this time’ is the telltale sign. As soon as that line is uttered there ought to be some sort of concern. Bohemians are big into thinking that Instagram filters imply they should be living in another decade. Nothing could be further from the truth. Film development is enormously difficult. Getting a red room ready, having the right chemicals, the sheer expenditure of time, it is quite an insane task. However what this person hears is problematic. Facial expressions on their faces indicate sadness. Tanning oneself is an arduous undertaking. Anybody who self-tans should never be trusted. Wearing a yellow jacket akin to that of the common stinging bee should be another sign that such a relationship was doomed. 

                On the other side of this infinite sadness is the writer. Here he reads while his companion speaks to him. This further builds up the idea of the writer as a thoroughly self-interested, disappointment of a person. Right in the heat of her soliloquy there’s a bit of truth with the line ‘you haven’t written anything good in three weeks’. Alt Lit moves so quickly. If there’s nothing coming out in a few weeks then it is a disappointment for the writer. Besides this there is the more subtle way of how she refers to his name ‘Andrew’, speaks about him to him yet he is unable to say her name or engage with her for the most part. Instead he continues to speak in a deadpan manner. 

                Koala child finds himself dominated completely as he is a fairly useless individual. Andrew the writer finds himself in similar problems. What is the big difference though is Koala Child actively engages trying to avoid any breakup. Andrew uses a more passive approach. Neither appears to be that successful. However Andrew’s problems are far more severe. Besides their argument Andrew states he will use their conversation in his future work, which displays the extreme self-awareness that is a hallmark of much of Alt Lit. 

                The end sees a normal couple. Are they the ones fortunate enough not to be caught up in the Alt Lit lifestyle? It is hard to say. Music indicates that maybe they choose the right path. Is it better to love than to create? Or are the two things compatible?

Harlem Shake Original Alt Lit Edition by Stephen Michael McDowell

                The Harlem Shake is the latest internet craze. Obviously this is perfect cannon fodder for the Alt Lit literary subgenre. Still trying to sow its oats through writing, macros, and other assorted bits, Alt Lit needs something that truly defines it. Writers have tried to give it definition by expressing the simultaneous optimism and gloom that pervades America’s youth. Yeah that’s great but it feels like there’s something missing, something really big. By latching onto this ‘Harlem Shake’ craze Alt Lit has a way of truly making it as a literary genre. If anybody was game enough for the Harlem Shake it is Stephen Michael McDowell, one of many ‘Poster Boys’ of Alt Lit. 

                Stephen Michael McDowell shakes his head in the air like he just doesn’t care. This is challenging for Stephen feels a lot of emotions. Most of his writing expresses deeply-feel emotions. Shaking what his mother gave him (his head) shows that Stephen is trying to remain completely composed. Behind him is the embodiment of a sense of calm. Landscapes of the suburbs keep him toasty and warm. Yes Stephen Michael McDowell is rocking the suburbs in the best way he knows how: by spending vast, potentially unhealthy amounts of time lurking and longing on the internet. For the internet is the ultimate source of so much longing. People will never meet each other on the internet. Stephen knows this and it makes him indescribably sad. However he busts out the true emotion in the second half of the video. 

                Gone are the sunglasses enforcing a sense of cool! Gone is his composure! Gone too is his sense of calm. All that is left are his innermost emotions spewing out of him like so many un-cried tears. Now he’s crying. He’s doing it; he’s suffering from a severe form of sadness. Oh his mother must be proud of his ability to cry. If only she could see him now. Most likely she can see him because she’s in the other room waiting for him to stop crying before she asks if he’d like to have pasta and a salad. 

                Various reactions suggest that Stephen accomplished his goal with the video. One callous individual bluntly stated ‘I LOLLED at your suffering’. Art is suffering anyway since it pays nothing and generally is misunderstood. With this video though Stephen takes Alt Lit to the next level by engaging a dominant MEME form and making it better, making it realer. Stephen Michael McDowell is the realist real person of Alt Lit.

Ghostwriter Magazine by an Online Ghost

                Long ago a ghost resided on PBS. This ghost was different from all the other ghosts. Children welcomed this ghost. Floating in and out of books this ghost helped a hard-scrabble group of kids hoping to solve crimes right in their area. ‘Ghostwriter’ taught kids the importance of relying on the supernatural to solve problems. Watching Ghostwriter is a near-religious experience since it involves a lot of faith and imagination. Many stated that Ghostwriter began a ‘renaissance’ of PBS, driving sales of stylish tote bags. 

                Years have gone by since anybody heard from Ghostwriter. Many assumed that Ghostwriter found peace. The trapped tortured soul must have found peace thanks to the help of a few willing children. Fortunately this is not the case. Ghostwriter remains trapped in the agony of purgatory. Once again Ghostwriter has returned, only this time it returns to the internet. However Ghostwriter has not made peace. In fact Ghostwriter was unable to help all the kids on PBS. The day before Ghostwriter was supposed to retire and ascend to heaven it faced its hardest case. Unable to have the kids’ help since they were snot-nosed tweens, Ghostwriter didn’t have a chance. So the criminal got away and Ghostwriter sank into a deep depression. 

                Alone Ghostwriter searched for something to give its limbo meaning. Not alive yet not dead it remained bored. Once the internet came about Ghostwriter found new meaning. The internet gave Ghostwriter an opportunity to rebrand. Finally Ghostwriter could do whatever it wanted to do. Worried that it would be alone on the internet it quickly made an anonymous Facebook page. Strangely people added it afraid of being alone. Excited, Ghostwriter created a Twitter. A taste of web presence made Ghostwriter want more. Haunting people’s online personas wasn’t enough. Ghostwriter wanted to give back to the online community. 

                Twitter was a first step for Ghostwriter. A web site is the latest and greatest aspect. With a website Ghostwriter could support others. Sick of helping people solve mysteries like ‘Who stole lip gloss from the local CVS’ Ghostwriter decided to help out Alt Lit. Alt Lit seemed young, out of control, and full of life. Ghostwriter longed for all of that, particularly the full of life thing. It has been such a long time since Ghostwriter lived. Sometimes Ghostwriter reminiscences about having genitalia and a sex drive. No matter though, Ghostwriter is on twitter so even if Ghostwriter was alive the likelihood of hooking up anyone on twitter would be low.  

 

                Right now Ghostwriter needs help. Contributions to Ghostwriter’s website are welcome. More tweets are forthcoming. Ghostwriter is doing this for the internet since the internet brings this old ghost some peace.

Is Alt Lit Official II? (ALT LIT HARDER)


                Alt Lit is making a second bid on the hallowed grounds of Wikipedia. Many remember the last time that Alt Lit made it onto Wikipedia. Back then things were much different. Things were dramatically different those many months ago. Back then there was considerably less anti Alt Lit feeling. Sure a few people disliked Alt Lit. Original enemies of Alt Lit are better known as ‘Hipsters’ since they hated Alt Lit before it was cool. Divisions continue within the Alt Lit and anti Alt Lit camps. Honestly Beach Sloth loves everyone. Beach Sloth hopes those who like and those who dislike Alt Lit can simply hold hands and smile on their brother (or sister). So much anger exists in the world. Art should be one of those ‘great escapes’ where pettiness should be at a minimum. At least that’s a hope. Beach Sloth hopes for friendship. Without friendship Beach Sloth is nothing. 

                This incarnation of Alternative Literature (as it is ingloriously called on Wikipedia) starts off on the defensive. It states what Alt Lit ‘isn’t’. Currently no agreed-upon definition exists of Alt Lit. Usually defining a movement doesn’t happen until after the movement has passed. The inability to define Alt Lit is thus a positive thing. Really there shouldn’t be an easy explanation. Any art movement will become readily clear only far after the fact. Obviously Alt Lit is barely grown, a mere child around the adults of the art world. More time is needed. Of course since Alt Lit is an internet-based form of art it works at a weird hyper-speed. 

                Multiple branches exist within Alt Lit. Videos, macros, poetry, short stories, even a smattering of novels, they come together into a fluent whole. They have begun. They are not done. Rules are basically non-existent in Alt Lit. Essentially there are no fucking rules in the kingdom of Alt Lit. Is there even a king or ruler within the Alt Lit category? Several generations of writers have already passed through, growing stronger and strong with each cycle. Some of these writers have been doing ‘Alt Lit’ before the term even emerged from the internet’s vast cloud of text, noise, and pictures. Various degrees of involvement exist within Alt Lit. 

                Writers are the most ‘consistent’ component. Videos count as writing. Members of Alt Lit can remain focused only on Twitter. Tweets can be Alt Lit. No one simply states ‘I am Alt Lit’ and expects it to stick. Rather a certain degree of work is generally required. Macros, articles, there are ways of reaching the general population. Macros in particular have a certain level of ‘MEME-ability’. Out of all the traits of Alt Lit is a certain ability to transform art into a MEME. Without this ability to be funny, to provoke or just be totally weird, Alt Lit may not have the attraction it currently has. 

                Aspects of the Wikipedia article deal with this reality. Yes internet presence is a near given for Alt Lit. Several members of Alt Lit take a more ‘removed’ approach from the internet, doing it irregularly, through books, writing IRL or reading tours. Online readings are a thing for many Alt Lit writers. Aspects of the Wikipedia article are misleading such as the coolness of ‘smoking’ since many members of Alt Lit are not smokers. The other aspect is drug use. Like any subculture there is going to be a use of drugs. Beach Sloth does not use drugs. In fact there is a large portion of Alt Lit which promotes the ‘straight-edge’ lifestyle involving no drink or drugs whatsoever. Hence it is a rather inclusive group. Really there are no specific limitations. Anyone can feel comfortable within Alt Lit. No specific behavior or interest is required for Alt Lit other than a love for language and a desire to change it for the better. 

                Controversy is inevitable for Alt Lit. That’s part of any new movement. Of course not everyone will love it. Josh Baines hates ‘the fuck’ out of Alt Lit. Poor Josh Baines, it is his loss. However his loss is the gain of the community. Due to Josh Baines Alt Lit received more attention than it ever had before. Creators of the ‘Thank You Josh Baines’ Facebook page mean it. Thanks to him there’s been a greater interest, a resurgence of popularity and new writers within the community. Multiple writers are listed within the Wikipedia page. No list could ever properly do justice to a movement that’s greatly expanding day by day. 

Alt Lit consists of those in school, those working full time, parents, literally everyone who is interested. With this renewed, revamped, and redone Wikipedia page Alt Lit is rising up once again, the next renaissance of Alt Lit.  

Is Alt Lit Official II? (ALT LIT HARDER)

                Alt Lit is making a second bid on the hallowed grounds of Wikipedia. Many remember the last time that Alt Lit made it onto Wikipedia. Back then things were much different. Things were dramatically different those many months ago. Back then there was considerably less anti Alt Lit feeling. Sure a few people disliked Alt Lit. Original enemies of Alt Lit are better known as ‘Hipsters’ since they hated Alt Lit before it was cool. Divisions continue within the Alt Lit and anti Alt Lit camps. Honestly Beach Sloth loves everyone. Beach Sloth hopes those who like and those who dislike Alt Lit can simply hold hands and smile on their brother (or sister). So much anger exists in the world. Art should be one of those ‘great escapes’ where pettiness should be at a minimum. At least that’s a hope. Beach Sloth hopes for friendship. Without friendship Beach Sloth is nothing. 

                This incarnation of Alternative Literature (as it is ingloriously called on Wikipedia) starts off on the defensive. It states what Alt Lit ‘isn’t’. Currently no agreed-upon definition exists of Alt Lit. Usually defining a movement doesn’t happen until after the movement has passed. The inability to define Alt Lit is thus a positive thing. Really there shouldn’t be an easy explanation. Any art movement will become readily clear only far after the fact. Obviously Alt Lit is barely grown, a mere child around the adults of the art world. More time is needed. Of course since Alt Lit is an internet-based form of art it works at a weird hyper-speed. 

                Multiple branches exist within Alt Lit. Videos, macros, poetry, short stories, even a smattering of novels, they come together into a fluent whole. They have begun. They are not done. Rules are basically non-existent in Alt Lit. Essentially there are no fucking rules in the kingdom of Alt Lit. Is there even a king or ruler within the Alt Lit category? Several generations of writers have already passed through, growing stronger and strong with each cycle. Some of these writers have been doing ‘Alt Lit’ before the term even emerged from the internet’s vast cloud of text, noise, and pictures. Various degrees of involvement exist within Alt Lit. 

                Writers are the most ‘consistent’ component. Videos count as writing. Members of Alt Lit can remain focused only on Twitter. Tweets can be Alt Lit. No one simply states ‘I am Alt Lit’ and expects it to stick. Rather a certain degree of work is generally required. Macros, articles, there are ways of reaching the general population. Macros in particular have a certain level of ‘MEME-ability’. Out of all the traits of Alt Lit is a certain ability to transform art into a MEME. Without this ability to be funny, to provoke or just be totally weird, Alt Lit may not have the attraction it currently has. 

                Aspects of the Wikipedia article deal with this reality. Yes internet presence is a near given for Alt Lit. Several members of Alt Lit take a more ‘removed’ approach from the internet, doing it irregularly, through books, writing IRL or reading tours. Online readings are a thing for many Alt Lit writers. Aspects of the Wikipedia article are misleading such as the coolness of ‘smoking’ since many members of Alt Lit are not smokers. The other aspect is drug use. Like any subculture there is going to be a use of drugs. Beach Sloth does not use drugs. In fact there is a large portion of Alt Lit which promotes the ‘straight-edge’ lifestyle involving no drink or drugs whatsoever. Hence it is a rather inclusive group. Really there are no specific limitations. Anyone can feel comfortable within Alt Lit. No specific behavior or interest is required for Alt Lit other than a love for language and a desire to change it for the better. 

                Controversy is inevitable for Alt Lit. That’s part of any new movement. Of course not everyone will love it. Josh Baines hates ‘the fuck’ out of Alt Lit. Poor Josh Baines, it is his loss. However his loss is the gain of the community. Due to Josh Baines Alt Lit received more attention than it ever had before. Creators of the ‘Thank You Josh Baines’ Facebook page mean it. Thanks to him there’s been a greater interest, a resurgence of popularity and new writers within the community. Multiple writers are listed within the Wikipedia page. No list could ever properly do justice to a movement that’s greatly expanding day by day. 

Alt Lit consists of those in school, those working full time, parents, literally everyone who is interested. With this renewed, revamped, and redone Wikipedia page Alt Lit is rising up once again, the next renaissance of Alt Lit.  

My Butt Ascended to 5d Yesterday by Unknown Parties

                Saying who the author is for this formidable document is fruitless. What began as a ‘(insert name here) is the (insert person here) of alt lit’ went a little wild. Alt lit is a wild beast. To put people into little categories is tremendously difficult task. By enlisting these many unsung heroes the butt manages to create perhaps one of the freest documents yet in the ongoing story of alt lit. Unknown contributors create the rare 5d butt. 5d is the most intense of all butts, beyond basic 3 dimensions of butt and even the fourth physical embodiment of butt. 5d is an emotional ‘you feel me’ kind of butt. 5d is the Plato of alt lit butts. 

                People come for alt lit and stay for the friends. There are many friends to be made in alt lit. Some of them are beautiful. Amy-Saul Zerby is one such friend. Is Amy-Saul Zerby the friend of alt lit? Yes she clearly is with her winsome smile and infinite kindness. Everybody loves Amy-Saul Zerby. Those who dislike Amy are cast into the fieriest pit of hell never to be heard from ever again. Hence everybody should really check out her work. She is cool as heck. 

                Insecurity comes up. Insecurity is part of alt lit’s heartland. Think of Illinois. Nobody really intends on going to Illinois but there are all those sweet airline connections going through there. Hence at some point if somebody wants to go anywhere in America they need to stop through Chicago. Insecurity and alt lit is the same thing. Plenty of people live in insecurity. More people want to simply pass through it without living there full time. Parts of this insecurity show themselves in different ways. One intrepred soul wants Beach Sloth to gently touch them on the peener. This is a lot to admit. Beach Sloth is a married sloth with a lovely slothy wife and three beautiful slothy kids. Yet if a gentle touch on the peener is what it takes to make somebody a good writer, so be it. It certainly beats drinking Roggenbuck-blessed cum. Roggenbuck-blessed cum is highly Satanic and burns the throat. Sex with Heiko seems good though, that’s a good ‘back-up’ plan. 

                From here things take an even more suggestive tone. This is okay. Alt lit is mostly about hookups anyway. Whoever fails to hook up in alt lit fails at life! Beach Sloth remains above it all staying true to his wife and kids hence a ‘loophole’. A poem is penned about the subtly of one’s nipples. Due to a lack of money (and heating) their nipples freeze into nickels. If their nipples keep on freezing and they keep on earning those nickels they can go to Coinstar and afford to pay their heating bill. It is that simple like the old saying goes ‘When life hands you frozen nipple-nickels, exchange them at the nearest Coinstar location for currency’. 

                Logic bombs are dropped. Whoever the anonymous person is tells the truth: some things aren’t something. Huge amounts of time are wasted each and every day. That’s fine. Part of life is discovering what to waste time on, whether it is work or friends or family. Choices like this define what people are. How to live relies less on external events and more on an internal value system. Calculating this is tremendously difficult yet ultimately rewarding. Knowing who or what is worth it brings a great rush of joy. People just want to be happy. Happiness is just another emotion to feel, the best emotion of them all. 

                Hugs make alt lit what it is today. Sure there is plenty of hooking up. Without sex alt lit wouldn’t exist via the reproduction lifestyle. Thanks to the internet though all these otherwise normally reclusive writers see each other’s work and in rare instances even get to meet each other. Being reclusive may be considered ‘sexy’ in some areas of the world. Yet the internet refuses to understand the concept of ‘being reclusive’ or ‘existing IRL’. For the internet wants everything to be within its grasp. Honestly there are some things that simply don’t translate well into the internet like sunshine and hugs. 

                When it ends it feels like the end. By the end the end feels highly sexual. Probably the document transformed into something vile. ‘My Butt Ascended into 5d’ is the cyber orgy of alt lit.

everything is everything is everything by Manuel Arturo Abreu



                Manuel wonders if God misses him. God misses everybody. Ever since God went up to the heavens life has been hard. Without God’s favorite creation God has little to do. For the past several hundred years God’s been busy catching up on NCIS marathon, eating junk food, sleeping in and generally wondering what the point of all existence is. He’s disgusted with what is happening in the world. He rues the free will bestowed on his favorite creation. At least his favorite creation made some relatively interesting forms of entertainment. Though God fails to understand why MAD TV needs repeats. Guess that’s Satan’s doing. 

                Premature birth is Manuel’s life. This is exciting. When babies are born pre-mature that means they make a lot of goofy remarks and farting noises with their armpits. Babies are big into being babies. Growing up is hard. Babies cry because they know they need to grow up. Yet babies enjoy being waited on hand and foot. As babies defecate in their diapers and watch their parents wipe their butts they think ‘Yep this is the life. I’m a stupid baby.’ Babies lack social media skills. Rather each baby is assigned a number of adults ready and willing to document their every move online, tagging photos, tweeting, tumblring, etc. 

                Ghosts live boring lives. They are dead. Hence their lives are over. When one speaks to a ghost they realize how transparent they are. Every ghost lacks a specific personally. All ghosts want to do is to emulate Casper the friendly ghost. Most ghosts end up scaring the living. It is a sad world ghosts live in, a world where they are only spectators. On the internet everyone is a ghost. Sure occasionally things happen on the internet but more things happen in real life, at least for now. Give it time and life will move online forever. 

                Dreams have to end. Getting what has been longed after is difficult. That’s when the dream dies and the reality begins. People put up with a lot of dream teasing. The subconscious enjoys messing with people’s minds since they are a part of the problem. Here Manuel watches them tweet about their Netflix suggestions. Many tweet about the weirdness of their lives. In fact Netflix suggestions know more about people than they know about themselves. It is a strange life. Humanity likes technology more than humanity likes humanity. The distance makes it feel worth it. 

                How it ends is with the experience of 21 years of life. This is difficult. Practicing these emotions takes time. Understanding the emotions takes even longer. No one knows how they should react. They just do. Crying during ‘Terminator 2’ is a dramatic thing. Will he be back? Will Manuel return? Only time can tell. And time’s not saying a word.

everything is everything is everything by Manuel Arturo Abreu

                Manuel wonders if God misses him. God misses everybody. Ever since God went up to the heavens life has been hard. Without God’s favorite creation God has little to do. For the past several hundred years God’s been busy catching up on NCIS marathon, eating junk food, sleeping in and generally wondering what the point of all existence is. He’s disgusted with what is happening in the world. He rues the free will bestowed on his favorite creation. At least his favorite creation made some relatively interesting forms of entertainment. Though God fails to understand why MAD TV needs repeats. Guess that’s Satan’s doing. 

                Premature birth is Manuel’s life. This is exciting. When babies are born pre-mature that means they make a lot of goofy remarks and farting noises with their armpits. Babies are big into being babies. Growing up is hard. Babies cry because they know they need to grow up. Yet babies enjoy being waited on hand and foot. As babies defecate in their diapers and watch their parents wipe their butts they think ‘Yep this is the life. I’m a stupid baby.’ Babies lack social media skills. Rather each baby is assigned a number of adults ready and willing to document their every move online, tagging photos, tweeting, tumblring, etc. 

                Ghosts live boring lives. They are dead. Hence their lives are over. When one speaks to a ghost they realize how transparent they are. Every ghost lacks a specific personally. All ghosts want to do is to emulate Casper the friendly ghost. Most ghosts end up scaring the living. It is a sad world ghosts live in, a world where they are only spectators. On the internet everyone is a ghost. Sure occasionally things happen on the internet but more things happen in real life, at least for now. Give it time and life will move online forever. 

                Dreams have to end. Getting what has been longed after is difficult. That’s when the dream dies and the reality begins. People put up with a lot of dream teasing. The subconscious enjoys messing with people’s minds since they are a part of the problem. Here Manuel watches them tweet about their Netflix suggestions. Many tweet about the weirdness of their lives. In fact Netflix suggestions know more about people than they know about themselves. It is a strange life. Humanity likes technology more than humanity likes humanity. The distance makes it feel worth it. 

                How it ends is with the experience of 21 years of life. This is difficult. Practicing these emotions takes time. Understanding the emotions takes even longer. No one knows how they should react. They just do. Crying during ‘Terminator 2’ is a dramatic thing. Will he be back? Will Manuel return? Only time can tell. And time’s not saying a word.

Three Poems to Read When You’re Alone by Walter Mackey



                Walter Mackey writes poems to read when one is alone. These poems are dedicated to his loneliness. As Walter Mackey is Canadian living in the middle of nowhere he understands loneliness. Since Walter removes friends from his Facebook list he understands what it means to be alone. Like real life, the internet is full of happiness, sadness and loneliness. Often the internet reflects this concept of loneliness quite well. Everyone talks on the internet. Consuming culture without adding to culture on the internet is perhaps one of the loneliest things one can do in life. A lack of engagement means a lack of reaction. Walter understands this concept well. 

                2010 shows Walter Mackey playing with cats. He’s clearly out of control. The rug is dirty. Guess Walter isn’t into the whole vacuuming the house life. A clean room indicates care. Like the famous philosopher king Billy Corgan once said: “And cleanliness is Godliness and God is empty just like me.” That happens before a ‘totally killer’ riff comes in and busts out the mid-90s jams. Here that is obvious. Walter’s god wears a beard like most Gods. Walter’s god like other gods ejaculates on his back. That’s the polite godly thing to do. Many gods forget to do that. Good thing Walter knows a good god, bearded up with snow. Indeed god is the ultimate frosty the snowman. 

                Heart Wi-Fi is extremely weak. To pick a heart Wi-Fi effectively one must sign on as a guest. After signing on as a guest to the heart Wi-Fi one must pick ‘airport settings’. EMO kids forget to do this, letting everyone see their heart Wi-Fi on their sleeve. Walter forgot the password for the Wi-Fi. It is a simple password though. Every heart Wi-Fi has the same password: we1cum2pairaDICE. Yes this is shown in the hit Pauly Shore movie ‘Pauly Shore is Dead’. Many consider ‘Pauly Shore is Dead’ to be the best exploration of the most meaningless character on the planet. 

                MSN instant messenger comes up in Walter’s warped twisted fucking brain. Walter remembers a time when he cared about some bro. Those emoticons bring Walter to tears probably. Every emoticon brings him a little closer to salvation. It is a beautiful thing. No Gmail or Gchat can ever replace the beauty of antiquated IM. Back then that’s when instant messaging had its innocence and ASL. 

Lately Walter has taken something of a break from the internet. Perhaps he is living IRL. It is hard to say. IRL no one can read your tweets. Gmail is an important component of the IRL lifestyle. Hence with Gmail one remains on the internet only hidden. Walter subscribes to this life.

Three Poems to Read When You’re Alone by Walter Mackey

                Walter Mackey writes poems to read when one is alone. These poems are dedicated to his loneliness. As Walter Mackey is Canadian living in the middle of nowhere he understands loneliness. Since Walter removes friends from his Facebook list he understands what it means to be alone. Like real life, the internet is full of happiness, sadness and loneliness. Often the internet reflects this concept of loneliness quite well. Everyone talks on the internet. Consuming culture without adding to culture on the internet is perhaps one of the loneliest things one can do in life. A lack of engagement means a lack of reaction. Walter understands this concept well. 

                2010 shows Walter Mackey playing with cats. He’s clearly out of control. The rug is dirty. Guess Walter isn’t into the whole vacuuming the house life. A clean room indicates care. Like the famous philosopher king Billy Corgan once said: “And cleanliness is Godliness and God is empty just like me.” That happens before a ‘totally killer’ riff comes in and busts out the mid-90s jams. Here that is obvious. Walter’s god wears a beard like most Gods. Walter’s god like other gods ejaculates on his back. That’s the polite godly thing to do. Many gods forget to do that. Good thing Walter knows a good god, bearded up with snow. Indeed god is the ultimate frosty the snowman. 

                Heart Wi-Fi is extremely weak. To pick a heart Wi-Fi effectively one must sign on as a guest. After signing on as a guest to the heart Wi-Fi one must pick ‘airport settings’. EMO kids forget to do this, letting everyone see their heart Wi-Fi on their sleeve. Walter forgot the password for the Wi-Fi. It is a simple password though. Every heart Wi-Fi has the same password: we1cum2pairaDICE. Yes this is shown in the hit Pauly Shore movie ‘Pauly Shore is Dead’. Many consider ‘Pauly Shore is Dead’ to be the best exploration of the most meaningless character on the planet. 

                MSN instant messenger comes up in Walter’s warped twisted fucking brain. Walter remembers a time when he cared about some bro. Those emoticons bring Walter to tears probably. Every emoticon brings him a little closer to salvation. It is a beautiful thing. No Gmail or Gchat can ever replace the beauty of antiquated IM. Back then that’s when instant messaging had its innocence and ASL. 

Lately Walter has taken something of a break from the internet. Perhaps he is living IRL. It is hard to say. IRL no one can read your tweets. Gmail is an important component of the IRL lifestyle. Hence with Gmail one remains on the internet only hidden. Walter subscribes to this life.