Internet People IRL
Peterbd drops a bombshell that will leave his audience stunned. Never again can anyone view Peterbd in quite the same way. From henceforth Peterbd has rebranded. Many wonder ‘Does Peterbd love art’. The answer is ‘But of course’. Check out Peterbd’s emails. Every Peterbd email is hand-crafted using the finest materials: humor that touches the heart. However his emails are not the thing that changed. Nope Peterbd’s emails are very much ‘on brand’. Rather what changed is remarkable: the Super Bowl. Yes Peterbd, that ultra-artsy, Vice Magazine loving guy, watched the Super Bowl and broed out pretty hard according to independent sources.
The post obviously doesn’t begin with that Super Bowl revelation. This post does because the truth needs to be told. Peterbd loves football, America’s past time. Lately lots of Alt Lit people have been throwing around the old football. Beach Sloth even got into the Super Bowl Sunday action right in Baltimore, home of the Ravens. Whilst Beach Sloth’s Baltimore compatriots frolicked in the streets like a bunch of alcohol-fed nymphs, Beach Sloth was there taking low-quality shitty Instagram photos. Apparently Peterbd watched the game too though failed to hang out in Baltimore. Instead, fearing the onslaught of Ravens fans in Baltimore, Peterbd hid far away in New York City. Most of Alt Lit avoided Charm City that weekend to their detriment with a few notable-ass exceptions.
Alex Seedman arrives in New York, setting the stage for the Super Bowl celebration. Maggie Lee holds a dog because that’s what she’s into nowadays: dog holding. Random MOMA art is shown because it needs to be seen to be believed. MOMA sounds mysteriously like ‘momma’ for a reason: getting a piece displayed in the MOMA is the adult equivalent to having a macaroni picture placed on the refrigerator door. The two are basically the same thing. Only with the refrigerator door more people are able to see it multiple times and admire the texture of the macaroni.
Niki Schur-Narula is presented in a positive light. Megan Boyle ‘body slammed’ Peterbd. That is pretty on-brand for her. Sadly Megan Boyle has never ‘body-slammed’ Beach Sloth. She’s hugged Beach Sloth so that’s the same thing. Peter, not the lovable Peterbd, messed with the wrong Alt Lit people. Everybody had a problem with this unchill bro. Even the picture Peterbd took shows Peter in an extremely negative light drinking vodka straight-up from a red plastic cup. From the unchillness of Peter comes the chillness of the first Alt Lit orgy. Consisting of Megan, Alex, Mira, and Dierks, it is a beautiful thing. Alt Lit needs an orgy.
Alexsandra Cat and Spencer Madsen appear. Colin mixed with Tyler is scary. Peterbd brings it to a dark place with dark pictures. Ed Halliday, Alt Lit’s sweetheart, holds Mira hostage. Earl and Rose are introduced. Here Peterbd thanks Nathan and Risa. Beach Sloth is going to take that one step further. Beach Sloth loves Nathan and Risa. When Beach Sloth was thirsty, they brought him drink. When Beach Sloth was standing around alone looking awkward, they provided company. In short Nathan and Risa are two of the nicest people anybody could ever meet. Everybody should love them. There’s nothing to not love.
Buttercup and Peterbd watch the Super Bowl in a pizza shop. Obviously both of them are into it. Peterbd tries to state that ‘Yeah football is for squares and I’m a circle’ he digs it. For a brief moment Buttercup pretends to not be interested. Yet he watches it alongside the pizza shop attendants. Some might call them ‘cooks’ but the pizza shop looks a little too industrial to be anything remotely close to authentic. However what is authentic is the sheer surge of emotion Peterbd and Buttercup feel for the game of football. The Tumblr leaves out pictures of Buttercup and Peterbd drinking brewskis in some guy’s basement. With that picture the whole Tumblr post would have changed.
Johnny, Ian, and Harris appear. They are happy. Even happier is Travis. He’s a guitar player. Travis looks way cooler than Beach Sloth. On the computer is Travis’s girlfriend Maia. Maia is expecting a child. Together they look pretty Alt Lit. She surfs the internet with her unborn child. If Maia checked out ‘Alt Lit Gossip’ with her unborn child then a major Alt Lit goal would be met: to have the first Alt Lit unborn fetus. Beach Sloth predicted such a thing. People said ‘Jesus’ when Beach Sloth predicted an unborn fetus joining Alt Lit. Yet it happened. The evidence is as clear as crystal.
Some shit went down with Peterbd and a cat but that doesn’t even matter compared to the whole Alt Lit unborn fetus thing. That’s real. That’s happened. Alt Lit welcomes everyone even unborn fetuses.