Red Lightbulbs 9 and a Half: Secret Santa
Ah yes Red Lightbulbs got into the holiday spirit. Secret Santa is usually saved for office workers who want to exchange gifts of a pre-determined minimum value typically $20 or less. Russ Woods is no office worker: Russ Woods is a champion of freedom. Freedom includes the ability to send out poems and prose to Alt Lit bitches and hoes. Yes this is a magical time of year. With these poems Alt Lit gets into some serious Christmas cheer.
Cean Gamalinda explains the best kind of date to have: with a money person. Some people earn money; others are born as literal walking sheets of hundred dollar bills. While the partner has only a literal money maker it is fine. Delicious food is a dangerous thing. Once more Cean describes the positively probable. People are turned into food all the time. Soylent Green is real. Soylent Peen is too real. By the end of the series there is the expected death as it evolves from love to jail to death.
Mason Johnson understands what true love is. True love is finding a bell and ringing it for a lifetime. Good thing there is no cat on cat violence. Cats need to defend themselves from work. Over the course of a lifetime the two fall in love. Eventually they give up and decide to simply linger. Every person who decides ‘Eh, this is enough’ ends up finding true happiness. Trying is depressing. Giving up is easy.
Russ Woods recalls the first two months of operation for a facility plagued by tremendous difficulties. Dancing is serious. Mortal Kombat blasts through the facility. Horses are the deliverers of candy. That’s why people loved Warhorse so much. Warhorse brought candy for troops stranded at the front line, delivering such confectionery treats like Necco Wafers. Hiring practices were changed at the facility for creative differences reasons. Demise of course at this facility was inevitable. Like most American industries the facility succumbed to tiny people who would work for less and lived inside toilets, typical of the American Rustbelt.
Jeannette Gomes explains how goats enter the blood stream. Few understand how it happens. Goats bring iron into the bloodstream through their constant gnawing on tin cans. In some ways the goats of the bloodstreams assault the person, much like Jeannette assaults Tadd with dreams of gold and diamonds. Everyone knows gold and diamonds are a pirate’s best friends. With illegal downloading everyone is a pirate in their own special way. Unfortunately pirates of the modern era are considerably less sexy.
Peter Jurmu uses a fly for bait. Fish aren’t fooled. Since humans evolved from fish humans feel they are smarter than fish. Yet fish have an ancient wisdom of the water. Humanity remains ignorant of this genius. That’s why humanity catches fish: out of jealousy for the fantastic insight of the fish.
Neal Kitterlin summarizes some untoward-type things. They are maddening. One of them is a movie, a strange movie. In the movie they predict the future of writing. This is the future. Writing happens on Amazon reviews. Each Amazon review is the most honest form of work. Neal does particularly well for focusing on pet sloths. It is time for people to pick up sloths and help them out. What sloths need now is love sweet love.
James Tadd Adcox devotes a section of babes to a special someone. James runs a successful babe farm. Farming generally involves plants. More recently though farming has taken on a new meaning. Content farming is the greatest innovation to farming since the invention of farm subsidies. Hopefully one of these babes takes in young, supple James. All James needs is a friend, a hot babe friend to let him know that someone really wants him and thinks he’s sexy.
Justin Carter discusses a typical shrimp boat. The story begins on a cheerful note before descending into chaos. Life on the high seas means a lot for people. Oftentimes eating shrimp is the only thing that separates people, like the meat eaters from the vegetarians to the vegans. Captain knows of the pain. Paying people in shrimp is a recipe for disaster unless it has the right seasoning. Then the recipe is delicious.
Matt Rowan loves Mike Bushnell. Looking at Mike Bushnell’s face increases one’s life span by five years. Those last five years are serious quality years. Matt’s story describes Mike’s ability to save the world from evil underground dwellers. Yes Mike Bushnell might be an underground poet but he’s loud, so loud a dead woman in Texas heard him and shouted ‘Fuck Yeah’. Mike Bushnell’s readings raise the dead which is good. Dead people are usually cooler than living people due to decomposition.
Tom Simmons lives a wonderful life. Changing personalities is a necessity in today’s world. Everyone requires a slightly different approach. Work friends are not real friends. Groups need separate interests. Little pieces of time are unequally divided amongst the groups.
Jess Dutschmann explains the origins of Christmas. Parents gathering around chestnuts, yep that’s Christmas for millions of boring people. For interesting people like Jess Christmas is about hooking up with those you lust. It could be anybody. With the help of a few decorations the Ice King was able to successfully get his ‘kiss’ on.
Jim O’ Brian gets into cooking. Food leads to the heart. Obviously Jim is trying to woo the mysterious figure better known as Mason Johnson.
Wyatt Sparks ends it with a story that embodies the true spirit of Christmas: wanton pointless bloodshed. Why else would Santa Claus be dressed in red? It is a better way to hide the blood of his victims.
Thus it ends. This half-measure between the old and the new Red Lightbulbs brings a tear to the eye and a chortle to the belly.