666 Should Become The Sea by Shane Jesse Christmass
666 should become the sea. Once Greek mythology ended the only logical place for Satan is the sea. Sure there’s the center of the world, the molten lava core. That’s boring. People expect that. What they don’t expect is Satan beneath the waves. Humanity thinks they have conquered the sea. Satan lets humanity think that. Meanwhile Satan is undercurrent waiting and plotting his ascension into Heaven. All that stands between the forces of Satan and Heaven is the Earth.
Swordfish are absurd. Yet Satan will need swordfish in order to defeat the guardians of heaven. By helping the little fishes out of hooks and nets the swordfish will pledge their allegiance to the head of the living undead. Myths are beneath the sea, ship-wrecks. These are controlled by Satan. Ship-wrecks are practice throws for Satan. They are the ‘pilots’ for what is to come, to bubble up to the surface. Froth economies exist under the sea. Obviously there needs to be an economy. Satan has introduced drugs to the ocean dwellers and they have to pay for it somehow.
Liars and scum-fucks are Satan’s previous roommates. Even by the prince of darkness’s standards his college roommates sucked. Before Satan moved to the sea he lived in a college dormitory studying organic chemistry. Night after night Satan would wake up to the sound of his roommate masturbating. Satan pretended he didn’t hear it. Satan would go back to sleep. What annoyed Satan the most was his roommate used up all Satan’s tissue boxes for this purpose. Hence while Satan hopes to bring everlasting pain and darkness to the Earth, he’ll be a little better than Mike his roommate.
Various cuisines exist underwater. These are drug cuisines. YUPPIES know them as ‘Fridays’. Others stay far away. Sea creatures need these powerful substances. Every drug brings a shark closer to his lunch. Habit-forming vices are important for animals that constantly need to be moving. With cocaine the shark is assured they will live a long and prosperous life of eating small children, crummy sea creatures and other scum.
Toilet lines form in the underwater kingdom. Satan changes the sea from a ‘Little Mermaid’ to a ‘Studio 54’ template. Yes Satan loves glamour. Gaudiness of the sea is a big draw for Satan and his underwater fiends. Every hell fiend longs to get transferred out of hell to the sea assignment. Promotions decide who will get the corner sea office, to see further than any man has or any man will. There’s a whole other world down there off limits to the boring surface dwellers.
By the end it is obvious hell has won over this dark place. Satan reigns supreme from under the sea, singing with crustaceans and stuff. Satan’s pretty big into Disney so it is an apt place. Shane Jesse Christmass’s piece overwhelms with horrific detail after horrific detail. Stay out of the water. Hang out on the beach instead.