Beach Sloth

My Experiences on Bath Salts by Mallory Whitten

                Mallory Whitten pours some cold water on the bath salts hype. Right now everybody thinks bath salts are a cool thing to do. You just take them and eat people’s faces off. Sure that may sound cool but it really isn’t. Eating faces is a lonely experience. If you eat a face you do it alone. Nobody joins you for face eating. 

                ‘My Experiences on Bath Salts’ relives that harrowing experience of nothing bad happening whatsoever. High School graduation is a surreal time in anyone’s life. I remember my high school graduation. Back then you had to walk five miles in the snow for internet access. High-speed internet only existed on college campuses. That was the sole reason I went to college. 

                Jordan Castro buys bath salts with Mallory. This does not shock me. Any mind altering substance shall and will be taken by Mr. Castro. He is out of control. One day I believe Mr. Castro will take too many of these crazy mystical mind altering substances and transform either into a deity or devolve into an amoeba. Either scenario is equally as likely. Hope in a new state Jordan continues writing. He has a band and some books, so he’s alright. 

                They take the bath salts. With the power of the bath salts Jordan and Mallory are transformed into ‘bath alts’. Parents become marginally more interesting. Orientations meet that whole ‘life-changing event’ status they are supposed to have. Mallory states the comedown had no negative effects to her emotional or mental state. 

                For ‘Part II’ of their bath salt consumption things become intense. Here Mallory is ‘freaking out’. Everyone speaks quickly. One parent, knowing she is a drug-addled teenager, gets her some water. The parent sees her red face. Clearly she expresses pure joy at being a drug-addled teenager. Some call it embarrassment, me, I say it is pride. 

                Her principal quotes Katy Perry for their graduation ceremony in a ‘desperate’ some say ‘pathetic’ attempt to be hip. I say kudos to Mallory for controlling herself and not ‘LOLLING’ at the ridiculous situation. Think later her principal shot foam or something out of their upper torso in a purely patriotic American way. 

                It ends the way all graduation ceremonies do: awkward pictures with people you barely know. For high school is not about networking. High school is about escape. Escape high school. Go to college. Move on beyond that if you feel like it. Jordan and Mallory have entered the ‘college’ phase of their lives. College is the best and worst time of your life.

                Muumuu House offers a number of fine stories. This is one of my first (and hopefully not last) explorations into their deep catalog. Muumuu House stands for good friends and good fun.