Beach Sloth

Illuminati Power Hour #7

                Steve Roggenbuck looks like a freak on a leash lately except he has no leash. Judging by his antics lately Steve’s unleashed his inner cock boy. Everyone has an inner cock boy. Wake up your inner cock boy. I look myself in the mirror and tell myself ‘I am a cock boy. Hear me cock.’  Then I proceed to scream at the top of my lungs for I want to be a rooster. I want to wake people up to the true beauty in alt lit. Every day I wake up to the beauty and say ‘This is not my beautiful internet. ’ 

                Mountain Dew fails to sponsor this reading. Pepsi sponsors this one. Steve overdosed on Mountain Dew. Hope Steve and his friends successfully detox from the Mountain Dew. When you’re on that Mountain it can be hard to get off, to find true value in non-caffeinated beverages and find perhaps yourself. I had a caffeine addiction when I was young. Now I avoid caffeine in all forms. Caffeine free is the way to be. Go above the influence. 

                The geography of Michigan is explained in ridiculous detail. Jack Gooding gets teased. Poor Jack could have seen Steve shirtless. Steve explains to Jack how he is building up to his topless lifestyle. ‘Wild’ is the way Steve describes his removal of clothing. There is a strategy to have Steve ‘drop his top’. Once Steve has enough friends he will ‘get naked’ for Jack Gooding. On a related note, Steve appears in people’s dreams. Feel disappointed that Steve has not appeared in my dreams. Steve, you got to get out of your car and into my dreams.

                Co-branding with God changes people’s lives. Steve co-brands with Pokémon. Wonder if Pokemon have more power than God? I feel there might be. God does control lighting and interest rates. So I think God has it pretty down solid. Think God is ‘down with the Clowns’. I want to see a Christian Insane Clown Posse band. 

                Spoiler alert: Steve’s latest video has ‘MONO’ in it. Post-Rock is the soundtrack to Steve’s videography. Other genres Steve can add ‘Slowcore’, ‘Sadcore’, ‘No Wave’, ‘Symphonic French Techno’ and finally ‘Bossa Nova’. Bossa Nova is the most post-ironic genre ever. In a later video I am certain we will see Steve scream at trees to Astrud Gilberto and Stan Getz. 

                Further Spoilers: Steve speaks through the Megaphone to basketball players. Poor Steve lost his voice speaking to our youth. America’s youth need Steve Roggenbuck’s sage advice. He has been across the country discovering new ways of communication: whether it is the internet or a Megaphone or Pikachu yelps, it is all the same. 

                ‘I named my dildo: Joe’ one chat member states. Steve asks the chat for the best dildo names. ‘Dad’, ‘Mom’, and ‘KEVIN all in caps’ make him laugh. ‘Walt Clitman’ keeps it classy. Not too many literary references for the dildo names. Wonder how they can enjoy the Illuminati Power Hour without any literary expertise.

                Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson distracted poor Steve. Thanks to this documentary Steve has no knowledge of how to make a vegan Mountain Dew cake. This is a bit ironic as ‘The Rock’ constantly asks if others can smell what The Rock is cooking. Hope ‘The Rock’ teaches others how to cook vegan Mount Dew cake. Steve’s description of the beautiful documentary makes me want to see it. Unfortunately I do not have Netflix or a TV so I can never see it.

                Family matters come up in this Spreecast a lot. His brother is there. ‘YOOHOO’ is how Steve’s mom gets his attention. Thought Steve would scream out ‘YOLO’. Test Icicles are a great band out of the UK. Back when dance-rock was a thing, they were a thing. People need to educate Steve on music. Next time I see Steve I am going to teach about the importance of early 2000s bands from Myspace. 

                Online forum poetry reading is a great idea. I may do that. I want to do more readings. However I must stay anonymous for my wife and kids. Keeping a low profile keeps my family safe from all the alt lit gossipers. Glad that we live such a low-key farm life. Someday we may accept the limelight. Until then I am going to be keeping a low profile. 

                Mitt Romney gets a shout out by Roggenbuck. Steve gives away bumper stickers from Romney’s campaign. I wonder if Steve is under the influenced of the Koch brothers. Feel that could explain Steve’s love of cock boys or, how it is actually spelled, Koch boys. Are Steve’s cock boys just evil industrial titans who made Dixie cups? Thanks to this Spreecast we all know the answer. The answer is yes. 

                The broadcast ends mid-sentence. Clearly Steve is referencing the ‘Series Finale’ of the hit HBO show ‘The Sopranos’. Does this mean ‘Illuminati Power Hour’ is about to hit the big screen? Stayed tuned for next week’s episode to find out!