Beach Sloth

Cage Match Vol #2

                I picked this up in my hands and said ‘this looks demented’. A hand coming out of a three-eyed skull with a demonic eye tends to have that effect. Flipping through the pictures resembled my warped dreams. So I knew it was demented. My dreams are super strange. Now I live in a lucid dream that involves great deals of writing and office work. That’s my life. 

                Shannon Vislocky wonders about Freud. I wonder too. Freud lived a wild and crazy life through careful observation from afar. That’s Shannon’s favorite thing. When you are far away you can see the fun and sadness without any of it affecting you. Culture tends to work this way. Internet culture is changing that. Jesus is bad at pottery. He was a fairly good carpenter though. Did Jesus ever work with termite exterminators to repair infested homes? 

                Jeremy Bauer writes about his balls. Apparently his balls are worthy of praise, of song. Read his poem like a piece of prose. Jeremy Bauer’s dick is like a box of chocolates: you never know which one you’re going to get. Do not fret though, it all tastes the same just has a different name. The Great Spirit is old. You only get great through time. Nobody is born great. You have to earn it. 

                Steve Roggenbuck informs a dead girl she is dead. Hope she ‘gets it’. I worry that a dead girl is unable to process her death. January rains are terrible. Do not speak to me about January. That is the roughest month of the year for me. In January I hide. Depression grows out of my mind in the winter while everything else dies. 

                Theron Jacobs lives in caps lock. Few are this brave. See these things. With these things you can change your life. Use your imagination and create new stories from old pre-existing stories. Satan is a rainbow of darkness. Watch as the beasts attack you. Beasts care about you. All they want is a tiny little piece of you to hold and cherish forever. 

                Pat Kewley flexes. Pat Kewley has coined a new form of poetry called ‘broetry’. In broetry you goal is to be as big of a bro as possible. Flexing your muscles day and night, in the rec room, on the edge of a volcano, qualifies as broetry. One of my friends once created a Facebook group for these flexing bros. Then he changed the group’s name from ‘Bodybuilders on Campus’ to ‘my muscles compensate for my unusually small penis’. He had to be careful when he went out for dinner late at night. He regrets nothing. 

                Jacob Drum loves toast. What Jacob dislikes is bleeding to death in a CVS. CVS is full of helpful staff ready to talk you through any crisis. At CVS that box of cotton balls is $6 but they sell it with a smile. Poor Jacob freaks out in this poem. Wonder if he ever got that toast. Feel like he is about to be toast via the violent imagery. 

                Matthew Baker Thompson just wants to find his dead dad in his dreams. It is a normal request. Robin Williams is a sweater. Look at that body hair. Guess that’s how they make them up in Canada. Canada supports the body hair life. Happy Matthew is a Halle Berry. She’s rich. Think Halle Berry has more money than all of alt lit put together. 

                DJ Berndt is flirtatious. The lovely person in question walks the plank, runs from stampedes of animals, and eventually kills him. At a volcano they are at their strongest point. Feel that’s what happened to me when I stood next to a volcano in Northern Iceland listening to Sigur Ros on my IPOD. Somehow DJ knows everything going on right now. Is DJ psychic? He is. Remember when I shaved for the first time at the tender age of 14. That was a tough year for me with my face getting all hairy and such. 

                Russ Woods tells us about Wolf-Dad. Wolf Dads have it rough. First they have to raise children. Second they need to avoid being killed by angry ranches. Poor wolves, I feel for them. Wolf Dads are the saddest dads ever. They don’t even get any hooded girls going through their woods anymore. Sara keeps a pet fire and keeps the fire burning. 

                Damian Weber is right: Google isn’t what it used to be. I remember when Google was indie. I liked Google before it was cool.  Damian asks for nothing and he will receive it in abundance. 

                Love this collection. The pictures are demented, tortured things. My favorite: the infinity boner which deals with the scientific community’s research on that rare creature. Einstein originally predicted the infinity boner. Happy CERN continues infinity boner research. ‘Cage Match Vol #2’ is a thing of pure joy.