Beach Sloth

Illuminati Power Hour - #02

               Is boost here to roost? With the second installment in Steve Roggenbuck’s award winning series ‘Illuminati Power Hour’ the answer is a resounding yes. People across the country and world tune in to hear the insights from one of the internet’s greatest boost theorists, one Steve Roggenbuck. From humble origins, Steve has pulled himself up by the USB chords to become who he is today. 

                Steve says hello to everyone IRL (he has a posse for this reading) and in chat. ‘URL versus IRL’ as one Crispin Best put it. Angela Shier made it. Keegan Crawford did too. It is like Keegan lives there or something. Now Steve lives IRL. I wonder how IRL is treating him. It seems good. Jack Gooding apparently was banned by Spreecast due to inappropriate shirtless wolf-mask wearing behavior. Spreecast looks down on shirtless wolf-mask wearing English people. I’m unsure why.

                The audience goes wild when they hear my name. I have been working overtime lately. Crispin Best offers to pay me to bring me on deck. Sunday will not always be a workday for me I hope. One Sunday I want to be on the Spreecast talking up a storm. No showing will happen. I’m sorry. Hopefully my computer will ‘work out ok’. Still need to get a new computer as this one is reeling up the years if you know what I mean. My computer is old if you don’t know what I mean. 

                A rare promise is given: Steve will sell his iconic sweatshirt. It is patched up. The patch is triangular. Guess Steve is truly living the Illuminati lifestyle. He drinks dark sports drinks. He hangs out in graveyards on Memorial Day. Man, Steve is growing quite dark up in the Pacific Northwest. Wonder if that’s due to the weather. 

                ‘Snakes on a train’ sounds amazing. Steve goes into deep detail about the plot about the movie. I thought it was just a going to be a cheap rip-off of ‘Snakes on a plane’. There’s a lot of spirituality in the movie. Like the idea of people simply eating snakes. I wonder if snakes make people complete. Think they are pretty good at eating mice so that’s a start. 

                Oh yeah, buy Steve Roggenbuck’s book. Buy my book too. Buy some T-shirts from me. I can’t think of anything else you need to buy. Right now I’m working really hard so any help you could give me would be wonderful. Every dollar you give Steve Roggenbuck helps him eat. The more money you give Steve Roggenbuck the more he mocks Ron Paul. Feel this is another encouraging reason. 

                Sam Pink gets a shout-out. It is pretty good. The reading is nice. We learn about Sam Pink’s early life. After that we hear about how Steve Roggenbuck carries all his stuff around with him through his giant, massive, never-ending tour. He carries everything on his back. Condoms fill Steve’s bag due to his ‘wild and crazy’ lifestyle. He shows off his ‘singing Justin Bieber toothbrush’. Love the Scientologist DVD. That’s nice. He gives it away to Rachel Ponce de Leon. Rachel knows about Steve’s videos. Underwear makes up a large part of his life. 

                A young Karen has the first Steve Roggenbuck tattoo on her thigh. It says boost. That’s amazing. Wonder if getting tattoos about those you admire is the greatest form of flattery. I feel it is. Right now there are no people at all with a Beach Sloth tattoo or Beach Sloth related tattoo. My MEME is still growing. I will give it time I figure. 

                Steve discusses MEMEs. Hipster MEMEs are pretty big. When you want a powerful MEME go to the hipsters. They are the true MEME creators. Other MEME creators are mere impersonators. Skrillex touches Steve Roggenbuck’s heart. Apparently EMO used to be a big part of Skrillex’s brand. Now he’s re-branded as a cool guy with a hip haircut. 

                Piggyback rides end this epic program. Angela gets a piggyback ride from Steve. Then Steve gets one from Angela. It is a beautiful ending. And finally Jack Gooding gets his wish of piggyback rides for everyone. Maybe humanity should listen more to Jack Gooding, he’s got some good ideas. 

                I’m happy to see the power of boost every Sunday.