Beach Sloth

A Collection of my Greatest Hits by David Greenspan

                David Greenspan writes rated-R material. This is not for Pangurs under the age of 18. Now if you’re mature enough, go to Pangur Ban Party where David talks about all the lovely ladies he meets. If you’re not, well, that’s your problem. I can’t help you at all. What I can say is David has a knack for following age-old advice: even if it is a horrible experience it’s a story. You can write about it. 

                Bethany comes first. She works for the Red Cross. David clearly cares about her. He wants to spray paint her father’s eyelids. That way her dad can do some chores for once. When they talk the conversation builds. Conversations build into hand jobs. He can’t say anything witty to her. Phone sex happens for a month. Unfortunately they never meet again. Only one single, lonely hand job is had between them. 

                Kelly’s experience is more visceral. It begins like all relationships do, with a brick to the face. When the love hits your eye like a big brick that’s amore. They drink beer in her parents’ garage. Both of them care deeply about each other. That’s why he festers in her like a rotten tooth. Rotten teeth are very attractive. 

                Cindy gets covered by Tom Selleck. Tom reports on her fingernails. Nobody can compete with her fingernails. For her he shaves his antlers. Antler shaving is classy. Furries usually do that when their ready to ‘yiff’. His child is promised many great, inexpensive things one can find right around the house. 

                Megan is awesome. They are hand grenades ready to explode into passion. He does something to her dress, something most foul. Alone they are grenades, together they are rocking chairs. Rocking chairs have never been this erotic before. The dress is burned for warmth. Her yellow teeth laugh at him, since they have their own teeth. 

                Ariel is upset with his antlers. He wants more. He wants to be given internet message boards. Can’t imagine how internet message boards can turn him on. I get the broken molars and ink spots, but the internet message boards are always tedious. 

                Lisa is forgiving. That’s why he built a church. It’s why he sniffs her underwear. Underwear sniffers help prop up America’s economy. We need underwear sniffers more than ever. Can’t believe the underwear winked at him. Those are some flirtatious pieces of fabric. Wonder if boxers do the same thing. Feel they do not.

                Jackie throws alcohol in his face. David fails. David sees a priest in a restaurant. The priest says something that David does not follow. Instead he goes to confession the next Sunday. Jessica throws a cat at him. He approves. I like blueberry striped faces. Face paint is pretty damn beautiful to me. Kate appears to be big into camping. Camping is a mysterious way to flirt with any lady. Feel camping is taking it too far (via literal travel). 

                David Greenspan is not a ladies man. Perhaps in surreality (when our dreams meet reality halfway) he is a true stud. Until then he’s an accomplished member of alt lit. Judging from these stories I assume he is single. Hope he posts all of these stories on his ‘OK Cupid’ account. Wonder if that would work. Feel it would. These are some sensual strange stories.