Beach Sloth

Code Red by Johnny Vulpine and Zach W

                Alt lit covers the great beverage of all: Code Red. Mountain Dew is the king of all pops, sodas, or whatever you call them in your geographic area. When I drink Mountain Dew Code Red, I feel powerful. The caffeine rushes into my bloodstream. I take my bike and ride it to the Rockies in Colorado. Upon my arrival, I take it and thrust a tap hard into that solid granite. Coors-lite, the weakest of the beers, pours forth.  I think ‘Man, I wanted a delicious refreshing taste that never lets me down. I’m not interested in Coors-Lite, the puny beer that gets picked on by all the other beers. Guess it is free so why not?’ I drink beer out of the mountain because I’m poor like that. 

                Johnny and Zach feel the same way about soda. The Midwest refers to it as ‘pop’. I’m not from the Midwest. I am legally obligated to call it soda. I want to be honest with you. Soda is terrific. When America was founded it used to have giant herds of buffalo roaming around Wild West. We still use the taste of buffalo urine. That’s the secret ingredient of Coca-Cola. I found that out in way that I’m not at all proud of; I recommend that method to absolutely no one. Wyoming doesn’t offer much in the way of entertainment. I learned that the very hard way. 

                They discuss doing terrible things to their body with soda. I do not endorse this kind of behavior. You can do it if you have faith in self-destruction. Should soda be used for this purpose? I thought soda was meant for drinking, not for dilly-dallying in your ding-dong. Sorry for using such offensive language but by golly based Molly this is positively absurd. Who is his imaginary brother? How do they know that’s the imaginary brother’s favorite drink? I figure when either Johnny or Zach was still an embryo in their mother they ate their twin brother. That’s how they know. That’s the most logical explanation I can think of. 

                Hope their dad lets them out of the dank storage closet. They must surge through the closet. Mr. Pibb is a gentleman but not a scholar. I have never consumed a can of Dr. Pibb. I don’t even know where to find one. What is Dr. Thunder? Are these real sodas? Am I that deprived, soda-wise? Have my lemonade drinking ways lead me astray. I wonder if this is a result of my East Coast liberal upbringing. Guess I’ve lost touch with my fellow Americans regarding soda consumption. 

                Dogs drink Gatorade. That way they can hunt for gators in the Florida everglades. Gators are nasty creatures. They don’t even drink soda. What kind of animal doesn’t drink soda? I’ve seen pigeons drink soda. Pigeons are true Americans. And adding bottles to a 7up collection is a noble pursuit. Our ancestors would cry if they saw the level of soda riches we possess today. 

                By the end we reach the beautiful conclusion. Mountain Dew Code Red helps America stay extreme. Believe it. I am proud of the wonderful service Johnny and Zach have provided us with Code Red. Poetry never felt so carbonated and American.