Beach Sloth

 Illuminati Girl Gang VOL. 1

                We have returned to continue this exclusive, non-stop blog coverage of Gabby Gabby’s latest releases ‘Illuminati Girl Gang’. Actually it will stop after this post. Not sure why I said ‘non-stop’. I wish I could cover Gabby’s genius forever but there aren’t enough hours in the day. And I have a full-time job and sloth children to feed, burp, and recite poetry to. 

                Maggie Lee needs that insurance card. Think the card is called ‘youth’. Wish I was still young. My eyesight is going like Maggie’s. Hope her sight isn’t as bad as mine. I worked hard to get my eyesight to be this bad. Glad her mom calls her on the phone. Moms love the phone. That’s their technology. Mothers are moving onto Facebook. Twitter someday will be more ‘mom-friendly, kid-approved’ via the KIX cereal. Hope her parents are okay. Feel as people get older we grow angry. Life doesn’t work out the way it should. We are not yet adults yet no longer children. Wonder how long parents need to stay parents. 

                Marina Alessio tells us about Sophie. Sophie is well-to-do, living next to Courtney Love and such. I know nothing about Gemini’s. All I know about astrological signs are bouncers ask them when they think you’re too young to get into a club. This is simply what I hear. I never did it myself. I’m a law-abiding sloth. Planes kiss all the time in Disney’s brand new movie ‘Planes’. Sponsored by Delta airlines, it shows Southwest airlines as a totally worthless asshole all the other domestic airlines must defeat in order to survive. Southwest didn’t contribute any money to the film. 

                Megan Lent cannot fit into a paper cup. You need a mug or stein to truly handle her. 19 year old girls really dig Sylvia Plath. Her life seems really sad. Megan’s second poem is far more tasteful. In it she focuses in the intimacy of bodily fluids. Bodily fluids are on the inside and outside. Together they become one. It’s sweet. That is called ‘love’. 

                Mira Gonzalez wakes up to an awkward situation. A friend wants her. That sounds bad. Friends don’t sleep with friends. It leads to fewer friends. Try to maintain the friends you have through non-sexual methods. I haven’t woken up drunk on a couch in years. My breath smells of dreams in the morning. I like the smell of breath in the morning. It makes me feel happy. 

                Sarah Lock draws a single picture. She’s from my current hometown Baltimore. It is a tender piece. I like the near-holding hands. That looks good. People need to touch each other a little more often. We should be happier animals. 

                Stacey Teague wants to live in the snack section of your dreams. She can’t do that in my dreams. In my dreams somebody else has already raided my snack section. Homes have empty space. I like space. Wide-open spaces calm me down. The fewer things around the better I feel. I want lots of sunlight waking me up. I need an empty place to live. 

                Sian Rathore is everywhere. Think her poetry has made it to multiple continents by now. Her kids get names. Kids are split between her and him. Each one gets a couple to keep. Guess that’s a lot of kids. A bottle of alcohol is passed between them. Germs become their children. They get sick off of their feelings and alcohol. Clouds love Sian. Silver linings are less enthused. 

                Grace Miceli puts ridiculous images with pop culture artifacts. It is absurd. Drew Barrymore tells us to date babies. She would know. Drew Barrymore is America’s greatest actress. She’s fun and doesn’t care what anybody thinks of her. Hope she makes out with Megan Fox. If she makes out with Megan Fox I think Ms. Fox should pay for the Oreos. I’m just saying Megan is pretty well-to-do. 

                Gabby Gabby poses the reader many questions. I find Gabby interesting. Conspiracy theory message boards entertain me. I think they have mostly migrated to Facebook. Infants don’t know anything about object permanence. Of course they wouldn’t. Infants just got here. Give them some time to get disappointed by their surroundings. That’s called growing up. She hits the snooze button seven times. I hit up that snooze button all the time. I love sleep. Her eyes open. She puts her hands over them and sees the world again and again in different moments. 

                Yippy Whippy ends it with a pink jacket. This is the standard outfit for all members of the illuminati girl gang.

               Proud of all the work people put into this wonderful collection, including those ‘on the side’ contributors like Jacob Steinberg. Let’s not forget who brought together these many, many writers: Gabby Gabby. Gabby Gabby is a true force in alt lit. I am happy with her momentous rise above all other internet-bound literary figures in the greater Williamsburg, VA metropolitan area. With certainty I say she is the best alt lit figure in all of Williamsburg, VA. I can’t wait until the next issue. Also I am excited about her releases on NAP and Civil Coping Mechanisms respectively. Write hard!