Beach Sloth

Screaming Seahorse

              May 1^st, this is May Day. May Day, May Day is an okay day for the fourth issue in this increasing strange online offering presented by one Walter Mackey, better known under whatever alias he’s been using lately. I must admit I do miss the eggplant but his transformation into a human being is astounding. Lately he’s been submitting everywhere so how he has time for this is beyond me. I think he has others helping him out from afar. They are wonderful people. Welcome to issue 4. 

                Erica Yeager goes first. She discusses Xzibit. Xzibit should be decorating her house. Yet he’s not. I’m unsure why he wouldn’t be doing such a thing. LCD screens need to be on the walls. Weed must be hidden in little draws, closets, filing cabinets, etc. At least she can do it by herself. His help would have helped her a lot. 

                I have one in here. Yep I am trying to increase my web presence. The only way I can do that is through various poetry submissions. Thought Catalog helps too. So do any ‘guest posts’ I do basically anywhere. But I’m still not good at submitting to other places. It feels so tough being in this great big literary world. I’m happy this piece is in screaming seahorse. ‘St. Patrick’s Day’ is one of the better poems (I feel) I have. 

                Russ Woods stalks me on the internet. Or I stalk him. Literally Russ is everywhere. In this collection he waxes romantic with a special someone. He calls breasts ‘udders’ because that’s the way he rolls. I am proud of his decision to rot out in the sun for three days before burial. That’s how all my relatives die. They hang upside down on a tree branch until they are skeletons. Then the skeletons fall to the ground. 

                Heiko Julién has things taken away from him in this poem. That’s a bummer since he seems to be a fairly nice person. Swimming is powerful. Giving up is a bad thing to do. In youth it is easier to ‘give up’. When you grow older it becomes a more difficult thing to do. 

                Matthew Landry loves being a teen. A velour mini dress sounds really alt. Do people dance for webcams? I’m upset he’s not going to post this video. Tumblr lets you post anything. I want to be a teen again. I want an excuse to act more angst-y.

                Patrick Trotti has a bizarre dog-focused story. I like writing about animals. Animals need more stories about them. For animals are people too, in a way. Unfortunately animals don’t add to my blog hits but I’m okay with that. Someday I hope animals will create blogspot accounts, disqus accounts, and comment on my silly Facebook status updates. Until then the animals have Barack Obama to look up to. I can’t compete with that. 

                Sarah Jean Alexander argues with someone over who made dinner. I like the descriptions of what they like and dislike. The story feels like a dating website during those moments. The mosquito bite parts made me more self-conscious of any bugs that were in my room. Wish that didn’t happen. Mosquitos bite me too far too often. 

                Josh Thomas remains alive. The bio worries me. I hope he’s okay. When you read the story you’ll understand the importance of coffee tables. I worry about what kind of company Josh keeps. I do doubt that anybody would wake up in the middle of the night and read. Usually when I wake up in the middle of the night I ‘sleep blog’. 

                Matt Margo is here! I’m excited. A snow monster arrives and devours two young lovers. It’s terrible. I feel so bad for them. Originally I thought they’d be enjoying a quiet evening writing song lyrics together. But they sleep on a heated bedspread. The heated bedspread allowed their delicious human smells to waft through the snowy wilderness. A snow monster breaks into the room and devours them. Then the snow monster uses their lyrics to create a Powerman 5000 cover band, called Powerman 4999. 

                Serge Astapkov curates #im gay press. I have been intending on submitting something to them at some point in the near to distant future. Hopefully I can pull that off. This made me laugh a lot. I like how much of a dick Satan is. It is true to life. Satan basically berates and aggravates ten year olds and elementary school teachers. He’s such a total loser. I enjoy the ‘Neon Indian’ reference in the story. That made it even better. 

                Lucas Celler met Tao Lin one time. Tao Lin acted like ‘an out of control asshole’. Or maybe he was really cool. I have a good feeling about Tao Lin. I like the ‘dick friction’ between Twitter and Tumblr. Also I can picture Tao Lin calling random people ‘Major Tom’. That sounds really funny. Glad Tao went to lecture at the end of the story. In the next story Lucas mentions coke again. Guess Lucas really likes coke. Woody Harrelson seems pretty chill though. “Natural Born Killers” is an insane movie. 

                Nathan K. Masserang treats stars Kelly Clarks and Amy Winehouse with the utmost respect. I’m just kidding. He literarily poops all over them. I don’t know who Kelly Clarks is. Think I’ve heard the name Amy Winehouse once or twice before. Amy Winehouse seemed alt. 

                Johnny Vulpine is an emo princess. He writes about a sculpture of Jesus’ face. It scared him as a child. Glad he’s an adult now without Jesus sculptures all over the place. One of my friends once turned around any pictures of Jesus in his room right before he masturbated. He said it helped him feel less guilty. He usually did that before he took out the ‘baby oil’. 

                Caspar Eric Christensen seems to be going for that whole ‘three name scene’ that Stephen Tully Dierks and Brandon Scott Gorrell seem to have on lock-down. I want an emo app too. I think that would help me deal with my emo-life if Apple had the ‘iEmo’. Don’t fuck twitter. Tweet twitter. None of my friends use it either. I’m trying to get more friends to use twitter in order to increase my follower count. Smoking on Skype is okay. It feels healthier than not smoking on Skype. 

                Nathan Springer ends it on a good note. He ignores his phone. I support ignoring one’s phone. I rarely answer mine. His riff off of shitty worker surveys feels appropriate. Sometimes I feel sad for no specific reason though lately I’ve had reasons. He ends it getting swagged up. 

                This is a nice collection. 15 people with a lot of new faces for the fourth edition. I’m pretty pleased with how Screaming Seahorses evolves. I’ve got to admit it’s getting better, it’s getting better all the time.