Beach Sloth

2012 Republican Primary Update

                I haven’t been following politics too much. People tell me about all the candidates running. Thus far I’m not really digging any of them. I went to Herman Cain’s fan page to ask if the top 0.1% of sloth bloggers receive a tax break. After I was told ‘no, everyone pays the full amount’ I decided I wasn’t going to vote for Herman Cain. Perhaps I might have tried to explain the blogger’s plight. On average the normal blogger earns 0.00000018 cents per year. Actually I’m in the top 0.1% of bloggers by earning a whopping $1.14. Yeah, I know, earning slightly above the price of a Big Mac must make me a baller. Strangely enough, your average person (or even sloth) requires considerably more than that per year. The average American earns slightly more than that, roughly thirty thousand times that. Thus, I may need a tax break in order to continue offering premium content. I asked Rick Santorum about tax breaks but he probably won’t reply since he’s a total loser in every single sense of the word. You simply must Google Santorum’s name to see how seriously the internet takes him. 

                Other people are running in the Republican field. There’s some Bush clone named “Rick Perry” running. Rick Perry appears to be basically George W. Bush with a different name. I mean, shoot George, you could come up with a better alias than “Rick Perry”. To me, Rick Perry is basically like one of those cartoon characters that put on a moustache and changes the first two letters of their name. “Am I Bugs Bunny? No, I’m Dugs Dunny.” Yeah right, nice try Rick, or may I say George W. Bush. At least in this incarnation of George he’s moderately more attractive. In some ways Rick Perry is even ‘bushier’. He needs to clear some brush ‘down south’. Rick Perry needs to trim his pubic hair, if you know what I mean.

                Michelle Bachmann is a toned-down version of Palin. Like the whole purpose of Palin existing is to make Michelle Bachmann look less crazy, kind of like how Glenn Beck was employed by Fox News so they could say “Well, in comparison to him, the rest of our programming looks downright moderate.” Not really sure what Michelle Bachmann stands for, she probably has the exact same ideas of Palin only better articulated. It is hard to look at Palin’s face and see something approximating a thought. Seeing Michelle speak sounds roughly the same as Palin to me, just with a less grating voice. 

                I can’t say too much about Ron Paul. All I know is all Ron Paul fans live online and support him online. Don’t think I’ve ever met a Ron Paul fan in real life. Yet whenever I see anything even remotely political on the internet there’s always a Ron Paul fan commenting on it. Let me rephrase that: it doesn’t even need to be political. Sometimes I see Ron Paul fans comment on a new album leak, saying how Ron Paul would dig it. How do you know Ron Paul would even dig chillwave? I don’t think politicians listen to music, I think politicians listen to MP3s of themselves talking and proceed to jizz themselves. 

                Hopefully this has given you a better perspective on the Republican primaries. It probably hasn’t but I’m okay with that.