Beach Sloth

altlitgossip:

I really want you to read this excerpt from a forthcoming novel by BEACH SLOTH

                BTU’s ‘Without Armour’ pierces right into the heart of the party. This is a party EP. Horns blast drunken trying to keep time with expansive blobs of sound. By keeping the whole thing loopy BTU makes this infinitely enjoyable. Whatever strange tempo BTU employs they manage to have the horns distorted wails down to a science. How the horns fit into the whole thing injects a great deal of fun, in case the kaleidoscopic samples weren’t enough for the effect. Running the samples backwards and forwards (oftentimes simultaneously) maintains this joyous celebration. 

                ‘Government’ begins with a false sense of dread for the first few seconds. Out of the industrial noises comes a flexible groove. The loops are brought almost to their breaking point. Elasticity makes this a delightful silly romp of a song. For some reason BTU feels the need to make a Tom Waits reference with ‘Swordbeerfish’. For this song BTU slows things down a bit letting things mellow out. Essentially it is a relaxed remix of the previous song. Tempos get further distorted with the completely intoxicated stumble of ‘Breath Awesome’ which sounds akin to a smooth jazz station gone horribly wrong. It all ends with the epic ‘Blueen’ which appears to stretch out endlessly. From the dance-friendly to the weird backwards flips, it remains the only song without a song sense of psyched-out saxophone. 

                No matter how out there BTU’s ‘Without Armour’ gets it manages to capture a true sense of joy. Everything on here is completely unpredictable. It is a wonderful oddly moving little collection.

                Ah yes this is the end the best internet friend the end. 

                Jesse Eells-Adams pictures his life as a burden and not as a gift. That’s not the way the big man sees it. To the big man, Jesse is the model consumer ready to buy whatever, down and dirty with the dollars. Long distance relationships typically have money concerns like ‘I need some danged money’. Sadly transportation is far too expensive. Animals rarely worry about transportation as they tend to be rather fast despite their four legged nature. Masturbation addictions are tough to beat especially after everything gets sore. Parties generally lack masturbation though hookups exist. Jamey’s gift appears to be rather intense and involves a special masturbation act. A better gift would be a toaster, a brave toaster willing to give up its life for its owner. Joel Osteen and ‘Freaks and Geeks’ go together surprisingly nicely. Joel Osteen is a huge fan of the outcasts of the world, like Jesus who has since become far more popular after his death just like every good artist. 

                John Facey wonders what he has done with his life. Millions of people do. That’s the only way they know they are alive. Gas-forming foods have nothing to do with success though raw fruits definitely make the world a better place. Creed the chart-topping Christian band of the 90s, 00s and today makes the world the best place for the Lord and Savior, Satan.  

                Justin Maddey compares life to a bowl of cherries because life can be sweet and the pits at the same time. 

                Justin Pedic claims anime is more important than school. Nobody should believe that. Life is more than fooling around or Fooly Cooly as some anime would let the reader believe. Life doesn’t involve stuff simply growing out of prepubescent teens’ heads. Only a lucky few get that experience. Chasing the bus is an important growing experience. To chase anything is to have dreams. 

                Kevin Douglas questions whether or not he is a man whore. If a man needs to ask this question then perhaps he’s living the man whore lifestyle. Not everybody is so lucky. Ugly people, shy people avoid this lifestyle choice of physical connection. Some of those man whores grow up to become real dogs. The most unlucky find themselves at Burning Man wondering when their hedonism becomes a parody. Mud sex orgies are only interesting for so long. 

                Kyle Peets asks the reader to come on home. Out of somewhere comes the proclamation that the world is for everyone. Property seems to throw that idea asunder. Beds create new territories in the mind. There is no wild west. Such things are for movies. The imagination is the frontier of the world. 

                Kyleigh James insults hippies’ most sacred territory besides Northern California. This is terrible. Poor rich hippies want to live the remainder of their cultural influence in obscurity. Nobody should ever be fine with their ridicule of their genitalia no matter how crusty or gross.

                Libby Rindal displays the love of reptiles. Although reptiles are cold-blooded reptiles have warm hearts. It is beautiful how they hug. 

                Matthew Polishak wishes for the impossible thing. Nobody knows where their life is going. That’s part of the joy of life: knowing nothing. 

                Miles Uroshevich demands a serious conversation about alligator porn. The alligator porn starts in alligator lounges in Brooklyn where the romance happens. Love without Satan is no kind of love. Alligators need Satan so they can copulate over the carcasses of dead creatures they killed with their sharp teeth. Subway is full of dead creatures via extreme depression. Anybody in a Subway wonders why they are there. The reason is never good enough. 

                Natalie McDirt insults someone via brand-new mobile phone technology. It is the harshest of vibes.

                Natalie Reiser expresses sadness at Jesus Dinosaur. Few know this but Jesus was a dinosaur heralding back to the land before time. BC was invented later as an afterthought as a way to thank him for his great work. 

                Nic McNamara shows off two oversized stuffed animals in a true expression of love. 

                Pittsburgh Happyhour recalls a classic Bible episode, the fun one with the foresight about foreskin. 

                Raunaq Das advises the reader to embrace the light. Clearly that’s happening. That’s why electronic screens glow so bright. 

                Riley McAdoo expresses joy at finding another rare Nirvana fan. Fibers of the Nirvana community are rather strong due to Nirvana’s extremely underground nature. 

                Shawn Maddey explores the beauty of the world’s smallest microscopic bears. They devour dust bunnies for breakfast lunch and dinner. What better breakfast than that of ultimate regret? Plenty live off of the many infused nutrients of the disappointment lifestyle. Of course from disappointment comes sexual preferences and eventual pornography. Pornography can be one of the saddest forms of media or the happiest. 

                Shiloh O’Connor shows the many faces of media. It is worrisome how much can be shoved into entertainment. What is entertainment anymore? 

                Stephanie Rogers thinks of a peanut butter fish. The technology isn’t there yet. It needs a few years first. Scientists are working around the clock though. 

                Wayne Gumble captures the worry of Craigslist. Poor Craigslist suckers are the loneliest individuals on the planet. From here Wayne captures various scenes of life with the power of art. 

                Winston McDirt finishes it with the wish of a child. Children long to age. The old long to slow down time. Yet the more time passes the less meaning it has. Years begin to blur into each other. Eventually it all becomes the same thing. The trial version of life is childhood. After that things get far more difficult. 

                The world exhales with this collection. For a moment the entire thing leaves one breathless. It is too big of a thing for anyone to believe. Yet here it is in all of its massive glory burning ever so bright via the power of computer light.

                AUMM 2 takes things to illogical extremes. The imagery is not suitable for young viewers. Due to explicit content young ones should avoid the intense body of work. Unfortunately though on the internet there are no rules. Good thing AUMM takes full advantage of this freedom, give this freedom drinks, and hangs out with freedom until the wee hours of the morning. What AUMM creates with this second offering is as refreshing as ice cream on a hot summer day. 

                Aaron Lowe goes out to the club riding a pink horse. This is the brony life. Few have that innate ability to party hard. From this lifestyle comes a carbohydrate desire, the need to become one of the bread of the heavens raining down. Unfortunately some are unable to appreciate the bread as they are on a terrible dictatorship of a diet.

                Arlo Brooks brings spiders together for a common purpose: to create a community. Spiders are often solitary creatures. When spiders come together numbering in the millions they fulfill the nightmares of so many people and the dreams of a few fetishists. Duct-taped walls are worrisome things. Drywall is supposed to keep it together. Adhesive form poor building materials. Of course the need comes from fire playing of the Prodigies of fire-starters. Introspection would happen with the fire-starters if they weren’t burning down the house for the amusement of the Talking Heads.

                Blare Coughlin states the most untruthful statement about herself ever. People dig the Blare Coughlin style and her never-ending online presence. 

                Brenton Clarke quotes the infinitely quotable Gandhi. Few know it but Gandhi penned some serious intense lyrics that remain in use today. 

                Connor Morrison warns against becoming a statistic. No matter what a person does they are going to be a statistic. The data-miners require people to do something, anything in order to be properly counted. Sleeping, eating, drinking, buying candy, the statisticians are there ready to count it all. 

                Cory Rohr describes Lenin the way he wants to be remembered: as a mushroom. At least that was the only way a person could ever see the Soviet Union (through mushroom knowledge). Communists loved mushrooms. John Cage knew the secret heart of communists were mushrooms. It was one of his areas of expertise. With hamburgers mushrooms found a formidable challenge: how to get inside the most common food experience. Vegetarians, vegans, and anti-fast food enthusiasts created the mushroom burger in response. That’s why people die happy after the poisonous mushroom burgers on the Tuesdays of this world. 

                Dos Mef impersonates the central anxiety system. 

                Dylan Gutridge compares the current governor of New Jersey to famed Hollywood actor John Goodman. It is an apt metaphor for the interchangeability of celebrity. Chris Christie is out of control. Whoever doubts Chris Christie’s existence is not alone. The large and in charge Chris Christies of this world are too surreal to be believed. 

                Dylan Lavine talks of sexual horses, hung like horses. This is common. Reproduction calls for all forms. Sometimes it is more or less socially acceptable. Juggalos though are the least socially acceptable members of society. Poor Juggalos can’t get a break. All Juggalos want is to settle down, wear face paint, raise a family and feed their kids Faygo. In a way it is the American dream with clown makeup. Nothing is wrong with it. 

                Elijah Wandered discovers the true meaning of “The Shining”. Families need love. What families don’t need are ax-wielding lunatics to murder them. Axe-wielding douchebags are even worse. Pop culture supports the family functions. John Lennon imagined a world where everybody would live as one. Sadly that world is far away because to live in harmony would infringe on that song’s copyright protection. 

                Emery Way dreams of a world with a mighty macro of a penis. Of course this is a little too suggestive for display hence the big blankness. 

                Jameson Chace speaks of cat farts. Poor cats got to fart. It is part of their way of defeating their otherwise squeaky clean image they have of adorable cold creatures. What creature should get a better image is the shark which is a gentle spirit that occasionally eats people. Honestly Hippos are far more sinister yet they get away with it. 

                Jamey Strathman embraces the YOLO lifestyle. That means acceptance of one’s eventual death. While people will all someday die they live on forever in hearts, stories, and internet caches. One way streets love one direction a little too much. Sometimes it is good to have a little variation, to throw in danger for a change. Shame has ways to have people improve themselves. Physical pain, embarrassment, this is all part of the improvement toolbox to prevent future tools. A boy and his dog understand this concern quite well. Dark thoughts begin in childhood. Adulthood is dedicated to the innocent vengeance of a child. People have families for this very reason. Sly children are born to be sexy. Everybody loves love on the sly with fly people. Yep that’s the only way insects and people will ever come together. 

                One post is never enough. That’s why there is a part two ready to guide this collection through.

Adderall Canyonly - Excelsius Minor 8.1

                Adderall Canyonly induces panic. Throughout ‘Excelsius Minor’ there is the convergence of loud synthesizer squeals with depressive aspects of post-rock. For these post-rock aspects Adderall Canyonly references the stationary hopelessness of ‘A Silver Mt. Zion’ than any other band. Elements of that group come into play over the duration of the album. In fact even elements of almost-noise come from the synthesizer further adding to this level of woe and dread. By letting the album follow this arc from panic into a far more comfortable mood at the end Adderall Canyonly creates a strange wordless narrative for the sounds. 

                ‘I’ll Be Your Hands’ has a cryptic noir vibe to it with a slow moving bass. Little fragments of dread make their way through the groove by the end. For one of the album’s highlights ‘Excelsius Minor’ things take a dramatically different approach. In the first half the electronics appears confused by what is going on only to be shifted into shape around the halfway point. By the end the terrifying oscillation takes over everything with absolute anxiety. Guitars appear again on ‘Song For A Broken Rhodes’ which has a jazz-like vibe. It remains one of the quieter pieces on here. ‘Hagatha’ the other album highlight starts off with a barely audible beginning before evolving into one of the saddest pieces halfway through the track. 

                Thankfully ‘Atlas Cloud’ ends everything on a happy note. Exploring the sadder weirder elements in the beginning it moves onward. Sadder elements are defeated leading to a sense of comfort by the very end. ‘Excelsius Minor’ is a moving, oftentimes jarring, and always interesting album.

I FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN I MEET by DILLION J. WELCH

                Bumper cars is a contact sport. Going all out against the other drivers is an important part of the ritual. To defeat the other bumper cars is to become a mature adult. Without this ritual there would be no way of reaching maturity. Laughing at the bumper cars loser is critical. Failure to make others feel like failures misses the point of bumper cars. Upon victory there must be an exchange of happiness. This involves eating ice cream. Sweet victories are sweeter with ice cream. Good weather makes it better.

                Tuesdays have nice weather. Weather is the defining moment of a Tuesday. Not quite Monday, not the middle of the week, Tuesdays have nothing going for them. Flirtations happen on Tuesday. Nothing else is going on so why not start a relationship on the week’s most boring day. Relationships are solidified on other days, the Fridays and Saturdays of the week (better known as the most optimistic days). Yet with Tuesday there is a certain comfort that everything will be taken care of later in the week, with the foundation of a measly weekday.

                Butter makes it better. The greasy ingredient makes things delicious. Indeed butter serves as the foundation for countless food products. Food will never admit it. Rather the food will admit to enjoying its tanning ritual, better known as toasting. People love eating that yummy tanned food. Like humans though, food too enjoys getting a healthy tan to impress its sickly pale friends. Sun is number one fun for any pasty piece of bread, or bagel, or whatever food item it chooses to be. 

                What the food fails to realize is the consequences of eating. Food can’t eat itself. Teeth know of food’s many difficulties. Dentists exist to take care of this problem. Little fillings find themselves in the mouths of forgetful idiots. Failures to brush are given little medals for their heroic work. Cavities love the attention. By receiving these metals, which range from bronze, silver, and gold, the cavities know they have accomplished something beautiful. The dentist acknowledges the cavity’s work in creating their livelihood. 

                Feigning interest works some of the time with this attraction. Teeth are the gateways to the mouth. Inside the head though there is a lot more to chew over. Minds are full of these tough, chewy ideas. Looking inside one’s mind is hugely important. Plenty of ideas reside deep inside the mind, many never seeing the light of day. Of course the structure of the mind creates this dark, dank dungeon of doom and gloom. Yet for those few lucky ideas they get to wreak havoc on the world. 

                Meetings are highly important for these ideas. Sometimes these are ideas of love. With the help of another the ideas can become alive. Even movies, those isolated incidents of ideas, need an audience. Though the audience size may differ the result is the same. The experience of a movie with others gives an important thing to talk about, a shared artificial experience. Experiences ought to be shared.

Drywall, Something by Victoria Sélavy

                Drywall is an important construction material. More than anything other resource drywall has the ability to keep homes together. Families used to keep people together. That was a long time ago. Now construction materials are the only things that define homes as homes. Where the love went nobody really knows. Perhaps the love existed in pre-war homes and buildings before that famous one word ‘plastics’ was ever uttered by shoddy loser in the movie ‘The Graduate’. If Dustin Hoffman didn’t even listen, what are the chances anybody else ever would? 

                Sex can create families. Recently though sex creates experiences. Hate sex is a particularly popular form of sex, all intense and crazed. For the special occasion the two partners try to insult one another, try to end each other’s lives. Passion is always passion. Where the passion comes from relies more on the purpose. Ultimately the end result is the same: sex is geometry. There is the basic angles, shapes, sizes, etc. Mass is calculated. Next comes the motion, the thrust, duration, and the planned afterwards of emotional connection which involves an even more complicated algorithm that differs depending on circumstances, previous knowledge, etc. 

                After the sex is the most vulnerable moment. While actual sex can be obsessively violent especially for de Sade enthusiasts, the afterwards is the more emotional vulnerable stuff. There’s the coldness. The loneliness comes too. Socks are necessary to keep warm. Blankets are required for a post-snuggling economy. Heart beats have to sync up. Overall it starts to become less like the previous physical union and more like an emotional bond. By participating in the act of spooning a couple is able to truly appreciate each other and replicate a famous kitchen utensil. 

                Growth after the love gets harder in a metaphorical way. Sometimes the heart grows fonder. The two hearts aren’t always in the same place for this aspect of it. Rather one heart grows fonder while the other heart grows but maybe not as quickly. Pace is the trick in this instance. Sharing rooms can lead to this problem. Dirty blankets create additional problems. Bed bugs love dirty-ass blankets, covered in sweat, fear and uncertainty. At least this is how it works for those gainfully employed in any typical economy. 

                Work prevents these connections quite often. Spending many hours a day doing things of dubious emotional value can be draining. It is more important to connect with people than to connect with work. That’s why people have colleagues as a way of realizing that they are not alone under fields of low intensity buzzing lights.

                ‘From Below We Reach Above’ shows Adderall Canyonly at its freest. Alternating between calm and chaos, Adderall Canyonly manages to combine the two into a fulfilling little album. Parts of this are completely happy, almost sunny in scope. Other aspects veer into strange Spectrum Spools sort of territory where the sound feels infinite. Each styles makes its presence felt through these four tracks, and indeed often within the same track. For these tracks are all on the longer side allowing for further exploration into every sound. 

                The title and opening track ‘From Below We Reach Above’ is by far the highlight of the album. A rhythm forms as everything else sorts itself together. By latching onto this natural easy rhythm the song conveys a sense of hope. Here the guitars serve as a reminder of the humanity behind the more electronic elements. Gradually the guitars make their way to the forefront and positively shimmer. On ‘Radial Spacial Eclipse’ things take a more experimental shift. Playfully Adderall Canyonly explores possibility before emerging into an extremely high-pitched screech by the end. For the bizarrely titled ‘Thanks for All the Canvasses but We’d Prefer the Forests Returned’ a more sedated approach is used. Indeed this is one of most comfortable out of all the tracks. It hovers about in a state of complete calm. 

                ‘If We All Live Long Enough We Will Lose Everyone’ ends it on an extremely anxious note. The sound is quite abrasive on it. Plus there appears to be little in the way of hope for it. Styles vary on this album but overall are a bit of the contemplative side, constantly searching and exploring.

Choose Your Own Adventure by Julian Restrepo

                ‘Friends’ was the most mediocre show to ever become enormously popular. Somehow all those useless people managed to afford a big beautiful apartment. Ever since it stopped airing countless groups of young New Yorkers have tried to impersonate the ‘Friends’ lifestyle. Inviting roommates via Craigslist they rent out some of the most depressing parts of New York. Among some of the worst areas to rent in New York include: underneath kitchen table, storage space posing as a bedroom, upper half of a ‘loft-like closet’, bathtub, shower, space above the kitchen cabinets, and of course that great old classic: fire escape with sheets thrown over it. 

                Boredom with ‘Friends’ is a common experience. While time passes by there are fewer and fewer things to discover about the show. Unlike ‘Seinfeld’ it was technically about something. However ‘Friends’ rejected the overwhelming nihilism in exchange for pleasant blandness. One of the most successful and widely popular ‘Friends’ episodes involved the harrowing ‘who drank the Pepsi’ plot. An obvious marketing strategy of Pepsi’s it helped to increase sales of that product by over 0.08%. Few remember the side plot for that episode which was how Manhattan had slowly transformed from a cool, hip city into one populated by rich YUPPIEs who wanted to buy history and pretend it was theirs. 

                Moving is a huge part of any life. To move is to simply uproot oneself and try to discover a better life. People do this a whole lot in the United States, often for foolish reasons. New York attracts people despite being obnoxiously overpriced. Artists from across the United States generally move into a handful of cities. Strangely few artists get the idea that earning almost no money would go further in an area where everything is dirt cheap. Rather they go to the cities to try and become big beautiful stars. Yet statistically such an approach is almost doomed from the start. 

                This chapbook explores the aspects behind why people move. The inclusion of a garage suggests that the move was for more domestic reasons. At some point everybody moves out of the city. Upon leaving the city they wonder ‘where will I find my artsy friends’ and ‘why isn’t there a Whole Foods here’? Such questions have such easy answers. In fact they are really blatantly obvious. Yet as this chapbook shows there can also be a hidden cost to moving into boring areas where there is literally nothing at all to do.

The Whopper Strategies by Pirooz Kalayeh

                Pirooz Kalayeh makes things twee in ‘The Whopper Strategies’. The entire book is a gentle parody of corporate systems. From the political ambitions to the pointless firings and strange internal memos, there’s a real sense of humanity infused deep within the book’s core. The narrator views the world with such a childlike-wonder that it is so easy to love what he does and what he worries about. Over a series of extremely random encounters, with coworkers who tend to either rock the boat or strictly adhere to it, the narrator beings to progress towards something akin to adulthood. 

                Ideas within the book are positive. Negative things may occur around the narrator, and the narrator points these things out, yet the narrator is a force of good. Slogans flow out of the narrator in a stream of consciousness manner. People around the narrator appreciate his candor, honestly, and genuine sincerity. For the narrator of the book is unusually sincere. It is as if the narrator knew nothing about irony or sarcasm. ‘The Whopper Strategies’ then reads in a totally refreshing way. Humor stems not from the mockery of others (though Pirooz Kalayeh apparently has some warped ideas about what constitutes abstract art and performance art) but rather from the incredibly bizarre scenarios that are part of the story’s DNA. 

                Sadness initially seemed to introduce the narrator’s life. Loss, pain, poverty this defined the narrator. Perhaps it also explains a lot of his positivity. With such a terrible beginning to his life maybe his happiness is the result of trying to see the beauty in life. It may also explain his interactions with his friends and coworkers. Friends appear to be grungier than he yet this bothers him relatively little. The first few experiences he has in the company trying to come up with ideas would usually terrify others. His reaction is so blasé that it indicates he is deeply concerned and interested in the work. 

                What ultimately ends the book is absolutely surreal. The future takes up most of the book, as the characters constantly speak of it, of what could potentially happen. Little pieces of the outside world filter in too such as the constant mentions of streets in New York, architecture, and the strange habit of dictators running the country. By including the outside world Pirooz Kalayeh attempts to frame the book in a future that appears not particularly dissimilar from the present. 

                ‘The Whopper Strategies’ is a charming endearing book. Reading of a character so absolutely lacking in guile and literally full of support is particularly excellent. He’s interesting because the worldview he holds is completely cheerful, devoid of any negativity. And such a character is hard to find.