Clark – Clark


                After a decade of making weird Warp techno maybe it is time that Clark finally delivers a self-titled album. Oftentimes artists have their best work via self-titled albums. While this is not true in all cases (like Interpol) it is true a vast majority of the time. Thankfully Clark has had years of experience making warped records for Warp. Such a long time to be in the strange sounds game and Clark is in it to win it. He’s even been fortunate enough to collect a respectable following among strange sounds aficionados. 

                What does Clark bring to the table that no other artist can bring? For one he is one of the last of the hardcore IDM musicians. Most IDM musicians have moved on to greener meaner pastures. Excluding the self-conscious weirdness of Autechre (that has lately veered towards the academic and experimental) most IDM went down poppy pastures picking out the sounds that worked best for them. Thankfully Clark has never been one of those artists. 

                Full of funhouse mirror madness Clark is dedicated to the craft. Though his self-titled album will no doubt be completely overshadowed by Aphex Twin’s triumphant return to the releasing albums world, it is doubly refreshing that there is an artist out there who is as reliable as Clark. A whole decade of consistently honing his sound down further is particularly impressive especially for an artist who began sounding akin to Aphex Twin like so many others. Finding one’s own voice is difficult and hopefully Clark will continue to travel down that road.

Clark – Clark

                After a decade of making weird Warp techno maybe it is time that Clark finally delivers a self-titled album. Oftentimes artists have their best work via self-titled albums. While this is not true in all cases (like Interpol) it is true a vast majority of the time. Thankfully Clark has had years of experience making warped records for Warp. Such a long time to be in the strange sounds game and Clark is in it to win it. He’s even been fortunate enough to collect a respectable following among strange sounds aficionados. 

                What does Clark bring to the table that no other artist can bring? For one he is one of the last of the hardcore IDM musicians. Most IDM musicians have moved on to greener meaner pastures. Excluding the self-conscious weirdness of Autechre (that has lately veered towards the academic and experimental) most IDM went down poppy pastures picking out the sounds that worked best for them. Thankfully Clark has never been one of those artists. 

                Full of funhouse mirror madness Clark is dedicated to the craft. Though his self-titled album will no doubt be completely overshadowed by Aphex Twin’s triumphant return to the releasing albums world, it is doubly refreshing that there is an artist out there who is as reliable as Clark. A whole decade of consistently honing his sound down further is particularly impressive especially for an artist who began sounding akin to Aphex Twin like so many others. Finding one’s own voice is difficult and hopefully Clark will continue to travel down that road.

Top 20948 Reasons WHy Fuck BuzzFeed Piece Of Shit by turdrespectedloner

                One of the best articles on the Internet of all time made its amazing debut only a few days ago. BuzzFeed users have watched the article grow in popularity. To best understand it the language and imagery used needs to be properly explored. 

                The piece begins with a clearly agitated Bevis from the hit sitcom “Beavis and Butthead”. With such a pained expression the picture tells a thousand words. Immediately following this is the author’s experience with BuzzFeed. Unfortunately for the author they are unable to get their computer to give them money. Most computers tend to give people worthwhile careers so they can advance up the employment food chain. Sadly the poor author appears to have a heavy salt addiction that is leading them into a premature death. 

                George W. Bush is shown seemingly out of nowhere. Like the 90s nostalgia with Beavis, George W. Bush is reminiscent of 00s nostalgia when everybody was enjoying being terrified. It was a simpler time when fear reigned instead of fear settling into its current VP status. From here the author explores the relationship dynamic between a video game enthusiast and a fictional character from one of his many video games. The relationship appears to be strained as the video game enthusiast wants to take things to the next level while the fictional character wants to remain just friends. With this particular picture the author advices the reader to ‘ignore’ yet the picture was included for a reason. Whatever the reason might be remains unclear. 

                Sad Batman follows. This is the crux of the author’s argument. Batman shakes his head sadly. If Batman is sad about the content, the author surmises, what chance does the average BuzzFeed reader have? Not included is a careful analysis of Batman’s favorite kind of BuzzFeed content whether Batman is more into “LOL” BuzzFeed articles “cute” “wtf” or “fail” among others. Exclusion of this important distinction makes it hard to fully evaluate the importance of Batman’s critique. 

                From there the author talks of how the article will go viral and make $100. This seems to be too small an amount for such a stinging rebuke of all things BuzzFeed. Even the dog captured in the rug seems to suggest that the article might become widely popular. Successfully finishing off the article with a “Log Off” GIF the author appears to be quite well-aware of BuzzFeed habits. Easily the best BuzzFeed article of all times, the author ought to continue peddling their anti-BuzzFeed sentiment on BuzzFeed.

PEACHES AS A 6 WEEK OLD KITTEN :+) by Daniel Alexander

                Peaches is Daniel Alexander’s world famous cat. The cat initially shunned the spotlight trying to bring attention to Daniel Alexander’s insatiable snacking. Eventually the snack thing wore out after Daniel Alexander snacked on everything that could be snacked on and a few things that could not. Yes Daniel Alexander’s snacking history is well-documented online cached for the world to see. Long ago Daniel Alexander shampooed his hair with a pudding snack pack because why not, it is the internet and anything goes. Since then Daniel Alexander’s online presence has matured somewhat moving onto the joys of Peaches the Cat. 

                A Spaghetti Best Western soundtrack plays complete with Continental Breakfast. Peaches looks out from the various bed items. Beds have a lot of items and this is a must. Good beds fill themselves with stuff hoping to be noticed for their extreme levels of decadence. Obviously Peaches is aware of the life of luxury. Stumbling across the bed Peaches takes a lot of time trying to get out of bed. This is typical for a cat: to simply enjoy the finer fabrics in life. Cats take a long time to get up anyway. Few cats stay up past their bedtime. Every time is potentially a bedtime for a cat, what do they have to wake up for anyway? They are cats their lives are made for them and their defecation picked up with great vigor by large creatures who coddle them. 

                The camera captures a young Peaches. Looking at the camera Peaches is already able to tell how popular they will become one day. Peaches is clearly intelligent and well aware of its cuteness showing off for the camera. Everything on the camera is downright adorable and upright upstanding citizens salute the cherished prized possession that is a pussy cat. From the bed Peaches moves onto one of those hallmarks of suburban decadence: the cordless land-line the thing that parents purchase in order to feel hip. 

                With the phone Peaches plays around. Clearly Peaches is trying to phone a friend. Unfortunately Peaches is only six weeks old and is unable to use a land-line just yet. Cats typically start using phones after six months on Earth getting it down right. Most cats prefer Apple Products because like people, cats generally enjoy the easy-to-use interface and the free U2 album that comes with it. With its little paws Peaches learns what the numbers means and learns what it means to communicate with electronic devices, a skill that serves everyone.

Top 10 Flirting Tips as Determined by a Bar of Soap

                Wow I’m a bar of soap. It is easy for me to get close to people. For you it is a little harder. Maybe you are crushing pretty hard on the person sitting across from you on the bus, in the subway, or anywhere really. You have no idea how to break the ice. Later on you do some weird ‘missed connections’ thing where you creep out pretty hard. 

                I am here to tell you it does not need to be that way. There are lots of cool hip ways to attract the eye of that special someone. As a bar of soap I am privy to a lot of sensitive information about people. While people hang out in the shower getting their bodies all soapy and fresh for another day, they tell me their innermost secrets. 

                Below are some great ways to talk to that potential special someone. Hopefully these help you in your quest for love and friendship. 

1.       Wow you look so fresh! What kind of bar of soap do you use? – this is a sure fire way to start any conversation on the right foot. They will be impressed by your uncanny ability to tell that they bathe regularly. Of course the main caveat of this is if they use body wash. If they use body wash end the conversation with them; anybody who uses body wash is an apostate of Satan.
2.       Compliment their hat – say things like “boy that’s a swell hat” and “I hope I can learn more about what goes on beneath that hat, in your head region where you make all those thoughts in your idea-maker”. If they do not have a hat make sure to always carry a hat with you and place it on their head before talking to them. That way you can be cute, quirky, and may even potentially strike up conversation with someone curious about why you are walking around with a hat in hand.
3.       Talk about the weather – such an obvious one but it is important to talk about the weather. If there is a tornado try to invite them back to your place and say “oh my goodness that tornado is coming right towards us! Want to come back to my place? I have Uno.” Note for this to work make sure you always have a Uno deck in your tornado shelter thing.
4.       Mention your fondness for staying hydrated – lots of people forget that they need to be properly hydrated in order to survive. Individuals all across the world enjoy the refreshing taste of water and water-based drinks. After you mention your hydration needs you’ll realize how much the two of you have in common. As a bar of soap I can attest to the need for the right amount of hydration.
5.       Ask them about their favorite brand of air conditioner – a surprisingly large amount of deep meaningful conversation comes up from a simple inquiry about air conditioning. Usually the favorite air conditioner is “Friedrich’s” as it has a famous slogan “Friedrich’s – it’s cool for you!” Whether or not they pick Friedrich’s is irrelevant. Since it is an unusual question they won’t even suspect that you are flirting with them. Mostly likely they will find you pretty weird.
6.       Sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” to them – everybody on Planet Earth knows this song. Queen could have conquered the universe with their song-writing abilities but they opted to stick with Earth. Anybody who does not know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” is a total weirdo and should be avoided. Like, who doesn’t know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”? I’m an inanimate bar of soap and I know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”.
7.       Look down at their feet and compliment whatever you see – if they are not wearing shoes mention how foot-like their feet look. In the likely chance that they are wearing footwear ask them how much they enjoy having the soles of their feet protected from the ground by a thin layer of whatever their footwear is made out of. People are into feet and often spend most of their time on their feet.
8.       Talk about your experience living on Earth – people like a good story so mention one of the stories you accumulated from your time living on Earth. Make sure to keep it relatively funny, a bit weird, and inoffensive. Offensive stories work poorly with total strangers, typically.
9.       Explain your online social media experience – since people spend so much time online forward examples of your online work before even speaking to them to give them a sense of who you really are. As a bar of soap I have a Twitter account, a Facebook account, an Instagram account, and an old Myspace page from when I was in High School. Because you are most likely a human being and not a bar of soap you probably have even more social media accounts.
10.   Stare deeply into their eyes and say something that could be taken as being profound and/or funny – keeping things relatively hard to decipher means that you can go towards either approach depending on what they are into.

Hope this helps you find a friend and maybe even that special someone. I am rooting for you. I am a bar of soap!

Top 10 Flirting Tips as Determined by a Bar of Soap

                Wow I’m a bar of soap. It is easy for me to get close to people. For you it is a little harder. Maybe you are crushing pretty hard on the person sitting across from you on the bus, in the subway, or anywhere really. You have no idea how to break the ice. Later on you do some weird ‘missed connections’ thing where you creep out pretty hard. 

                I am here to tell you it does not need to be that way. There are lots of cool hip ways to attract the eye of that special someone. As a bar of soap I am privy to a lot of sensitive information about people. While people hang out in the shower getting their bodies all soapy and fresh for another day, they tell me their innermost secrets. 

                Below are some great ways to talk to that potential special someone. Hopefully these help you in your quest for love and friendship. 

1.       Wow you look so fresh! What kind of bar of soap do you use? – this is a sure fire way to start any conversation on the right foot. They will be impressed by your uncanny ability to tell that they bathe regularly. Of course the main caveat of this is if they use body wash. If they use body wash end the conversation with them; anybody who uses body wash is an apostate of Satan.

2.       Compliment their hat – say things like “boy that’s a swell hat” and “I hope I can learn more about what goes on beneath that hat, in your head region where you make all those thoughts in your idea-maker”. If they do not have a hat make sure to always carry a hat with you and place it on their head before talking to them. That way you can be cute, quirky, and may even potentially strike up conversation with someone curious about why you are walking around with a hat in hand.

3.       Talk about the weather – such an obvious one but it is important to talk about the weather. If there is a tornado try to invite them back to your place and say “oh my goodness that tornado is coming right towards us! Want to come back to my place? I have Uno.” Note for this to work make sure you always have a Uno deck in your tornado shelter thing.

4.       Mention your fondness for staying hydrated – lots of people forget that they need to be properly hydrated in order to survive. Individuals all across the world enjoy the refreshing taste of water and water-based drinks. After you mention your hydration needs you’ll realize how much the two of you have in common. As a bar of soap I can attest to the need for the right amount of hydration.

5.       Ask them about their favorite brand of air conditioner – a surprisingly large amount of deep meaningful conversation comes up from a simple inquiry about air conditioning. Usually the favorite air conditioner is “Friedrich’s” as it has a famous slogan “Friedrich’s – it’s cool for you!” Whether or not they pick Friedrich’s is irrelevant. Since it is an unusual question they won’t even suspect that you are flirting with them. Mostly likely they will find you pretty weird.

6.       Sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” to them – everybody on Planet Earth knows this song. Queen could have conquered the universe with their song-writing abilities but they opted to stick with Earth. Anybody who does not know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” is a total weirdo and should be avoided. Like, who doesn’t know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”? I’m an inanimate bar of soap and I know the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

7.       Look down at their feet and compliment whatever you see – if they are not wearing shoes mention how foot-like their feet look. In the likely chance that they are wearing footwear ask them how much they enjoy having the soles of their feet protected from the ground by a thin layer of whatever their footwear is made out of. People are into feet and often spend most of their time on their feet.

8.       Talk about your experience living on Earth – people like a good story so mention one of the stories you accumulated from your time living on Earth. Make sure to keep it relatively funny, a bit weird, and inoffensive. Offensive stories work poorly with total strangers, typically.

9.       Explain your online social media experience – since people spend so much time online forward examples of your online work before even speaking to them to give them a sense of who you really are. As a bar of soap I have a Twitter account, a Facebook account, an Instagram account, and an old Myspace page from when I was in High School. Because you are most likely a human being and not a bar of soap you probably have even more social media accounts.

10.   Stare deeply into their eyes and say something that could be taken as being profound and/or funny – keeping things relatively hard to decipher means that you can go towards either approach depending on what they are into.

Hope this helps you find a friend and maybe even that special someone. I am rooting for you. I am a bar of soap!

Brooklyn Baby by Jimmy Chen

                Welcome to the present where nothing means anything. The disaffection is easier than real affection. Emotion is a hard thing to pull off. Many have pulled their emotion out from themselves to passively observe the world around them. Such things are perfectly natural and a great way to get through the 20s, the 30s, and any other additional decade of live. For the world cares not about things since things have been given so much meaning that they become meaningless simply wallpaper of the world. Long ago in a sincere time art meant something. With the help of constant connectivity art is accessible to all. Art can inspire and after a while the art grows stale serving as necessary props to otherwise flattened lives. 

                The way time works is it goes forwards and backwards according to the seasons. Every season gets worse after summer. When summer falls the darkness arrives. Nobody wants to admit why the daylight needs a savings account. Most other seasons are fine with checking accounts. Checking can cover whatever expenses a season might need. Honestly seasons have few expenses. People have considerably more expenses yet after a while they no longer care about them happy to simply let them be. At least in Brooklyn the seasons congregate together with each one presenting its own specific charms to the world. 

                Deep in the Brooklyn life few are meaningfully happy. Rents are increasing trying to reach Manhattan levels and one day they will do it. Until then Brooklyn remains a place where meaningless and meaningful coolness reign. By telling the difference between the two means the difference between being a jerk and being a successful artist. The ability to do so takes a lot of time to get completely right. Before it happens there are a lot of false steps trying to cover the cover bands trying to figure out when it becomes sad before sincere. 

                Sincerity takes a lot out of people. Hence few people go for the sincere. There is the chance of getting hurt. Nobody wants that. People like keeping their emotions guarded, living in their own heads, trying to filter their reality until it resembles something they want. Friendship does this to a large degree and friendship can become exclusionary. Eventually it takes a lot out of people. Sarcasm helps build sincerity up by making it less readily available and thus more valuable. Anything sparse becomes valuable that is how economics work. The economics of friendship can be expensive and not everybody wants to pay yet they all do in their own special way.

Brooklyn Baby by Jimmy Chen

                Welcome to the present where nothing means anything. The disaffection is easier than real affection. Emotion is a hard thing to pull off. Many have pulled their emotion out from themselves to passively observe the world around them. Such things are perfectly natural and a great way to get through the 20s, the 30s, and any other additional decade of live. For the world cares not about things since things have been given so much meaning that they become meaningless simply wallpaper of the world. Long ago in a sincere time art meant something. With the help of constant connectivity art is accessible to all. Art can inspire and after a while the art grows stale serving as necessary props to otherwise flattened lives. 

                The way time works is it goes forwards and backwards according to the seasons. Every season gets worse after summer. When summer falls the darkness arrives. Nobody wants to admit why the daylight needs a savings account. Most other seasons are fine with checking accounts. Checking can cover whatever expenses a season might need. Honestly seasons have few expenses. People have considerably more expenses yet after a while they no longer care about them happy to simply let them be. At least in Brooklyn the seasons congregate together with each one presenting its own specific charms to the world. 

                Deep in the Brooklyn life few are meaningfully happy. Rents are increasing trying to reach Manhattan levels and one day they will do it. Until then Brooklyn remains a place where meaningless and meaningful coolness reign. By telling the difference between the two means the difference between being a jerk and being a successful artist. The ability to do so takes a lot of time to get completely right. Before it happens there are a lot of false steps trying to cover the cover bands trying to figure out when it becomes sad before sincere. 

                Sincerity takes a lot out of people. Hence few people go for the sincere. There is the chance of getting hurt. Nobody wants that. People like keeping their emotions guarded, living in their own heads, trying to filter their reality until it resembles something they want. Friendship does this to a large degree and friendship can become exclusionary. Eventually it takes a lot out of people. Sarcasm helps build sincerity up by making it less readily available and thus more valuable. Anything sparse becomes valuable that is how economics work. The economics of friendship can be expensive and not everybody wants to pay yet they all do in their own special way.

Bring Me My Absolute Surrender by Matthew Sherling

                Life is surrender. Plenty of forces are at work ensuring individuals deny the overwhelming joy that is the Earth. By focusing on the mundane the beautiful is rarely experienced. The people of the world surrender to things, to jobs, the passage of time, limitations, etc. After a certain point of development a person can realize all the limitations that were not really limitations simply fears. Unfortunately these fears prevent wonderful life-changing events from happening. Far too complicated to take on people must be content with living a life with blinders. 

                The past repeats itself to people reminding them of what they used to be. Drafted over the course of roughly eighteen years people try to understand what sort of adult they are supposed to be. Worldwide people are given years to figure it out what they believe in what is worth fighting for what isn’t. Enough experience eventually suggests that some things are worth the time depending on the temperament. Others aren’t. It can be hard to figure out what to disregard because there are so many things to potentially do. After a while it becomes clear what a person excels at and what really speaks to them in their own tongue. 

                Mortality exists in reality. Online everything becomes immortal. This is why people spend hours a day online trying to take it all in. Life through the Internet can be enlightening and at the same time confining. So much can be put into screens yet the screens screen. Actual real life experience is just as important the physical the visceral. What is real is what can be imagined for everything was merely a dream before someone gathered enough guts together to get it done. Reality is a strange beast itself full of television based off of it, scripted realities that force people to confront their own fictions in their own lives. 

                Writing tries to encourage the ability to become immortal. People write out of compulsion and people do it for free. Every so often a person gets paid for their words but curiously they may not be their best words. A poem is an advertisement for a person’s soul. Depending on the power of the poem it determines how hard of a sell they really are. Speaking the way a person writes feels awkward yet doing the reverse, writing the way a person speaks, is frowned upon in polite society. Thankfully a great deal of society is fully impolite ready to become an affront to one’s sensibilities. 

                Lots of things happen during a writing period. With the words to try to right the wrongs language can gain greater powers beyond those originally envisioned. Gradually language is adopted by people as their initial guttural utterances gain actual power beyond physicality. These things take time to fully form as people find what words work best for them putting their mind on autopilot and reacting appropriately to stimuli. Awareness of writing happens quite frequently like when the words finally come into their own discovering their own power. 

                 Few create their own words. Usually they use whatever is laying around in their mind throwing pieces together to create vaguely aware sentences. Maturity lets the words gain deeper meanings. With the passage of time even simple language can gain heavy meanings far deeper than anything the original naked language could handle. Time gives naked language clothes to handle the winters of intellectual decay. Even the knowledge that this happens is not enough. People try to protect themselves against hurtful words a lack of having similarly minded individuals huddled around them. 

                The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Obviously there are many who need to lose weight. Those few really have managed to keep themselves looking svelte. When the eyes have it that means the truth can finally be seen for the first time, the beauty seen by the few.

on my day off i plan to sit in my room eating sunflowers all day because i am in love with you by Moon Temple

                Interestingly Moon Temple opts to eat sunflowers all day instead of moon pies all night. This at first appears to be an off-brand effort. Upon further, deeper-ass investigation, the video makes quite a bit of sense. Most if not all of Moon Temple’s work takes place during her days off. It is only natural that her video celebrates the slight freedom she is given during a day off. For those unaware sunflowers are in fact edible. 

                Moon Temple stares blankly at the screen as she consumes a flower. She is possessed by the spirit of love. This love makes her want to eat a flower. Bees love flowers too but unlike bees Moon Temple has no desire to pollinate flowers. Instead she simply devours the flower so that way YouTube viewers in the future can enjoy her ability to consume flower substances. 

                The room she is in shows off her ability to pay for space. In New York City, a notoriously expensive area, this is no mean feat. It is a nice feat the kind of feat that waits to house Moon Temple after a tough day at work. Unlike her room at work Moon Temple rarely eats sunflowers especially for an audience. People at her job remain woefully unaware that they are working with a writing legend the sort of person that records video clips, uploads them to YouTube, and becomes a star almost instantly. 

                Sunflowers might be interested in seeing how Moon Temple will consume them. It would be naïve to think that this would be the only time Moon Temple would eat a sunflower. Additional videos have leaked that show Moon Temple eating other sunflowers with greater efficiency. If the sunflower world does not prepare itself they could see a hungry Moon Temple roaming their growing grounds eating them with the greatest of ease. And unlike the stationary sunflowers who stand planted in one place, Moon Temple roams the world free to frolic and just generally being a great Moon Temple. 

                With this latest addition to the famed Moon Temple YouTube clip directory Moon Temple shows herself to be an ever prolific multifaceted artist. Her work has astounded others in ways those others cannot possibly describe, probably because those others are sunflower and do not possess a written or spoken language. Life is better with Moon Temple and everybody agrees with this, even the precious sunflower that gave its life for Moon Temple’s art.

10 Most Influential Books for Personal Growth by Beach Sloth

                I have noticed this whole thing has become a fad on Facebook. Opting to have this on both my blog and Facebook seems like a good idea. Note this list is not a complete list of everything I have ever read. This list was fairly hard to come up and as a result I have a few of my personal ‘asides’ about the books (no spoilers). Hopefully people will enjoy seeing what I consider to have been the most influential pieces of work on my mind. 

  1. The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death by Daniel Pinkwater – I feel a lot of Daniel Pinkwater’s work really speaks to me and a lot of it was enormously influential in how I choose to see the world now.
  2. A Barrel of Laughs, A Vale of Tears by Jules Feiffer – the premise is essentially how to be humorous while having empathy for others. Because of this book I think I am able to combine humor without the mean-spiritedness I see in a lot of humorous writing.
  3. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller - Probably the funniest book I have ever read and I re-read it fairly often. The delivery is perfect.
  4. August 1914 by  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – a very long intricate book that essentially is one big crescendo (or at least it feels that way to me).
  5. Welcome to Our Hillbrow by Phaswane Mpe – one of the most beautiful sad things I have ever read in my entire life.
  6. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote – Read compulsively in one sitting which was about thirteen straight hours. Love everything about it.
  7. Finnegans Wake by James Joyce – I re-read bits and pieces of this book fairly often. The ending is sublime like how language would sound if language was transformed into various shadows of different strengths. Sections of it rank among my favorite moments.
  8. Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon – this is an insane book. When I started reading this I remember thinking to myself “People are allowed to write this way, this insane crazy way? Thank God” and then I started writing.
  9. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72  by Hunter S. Thompson – while Hunter S. Thompson is really well known for “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” he dives a bit deeper down into his political beliefs with this piece. Here he has contempt for people, there’s no doubt about it, yet he sort of has a degree of sympathy for people too and can see when a person knows when they have failed.
  10. Junkie by William S. Burroughs – Oh man reading this was such a pleasure for me. I love the dry delivery, the straightforwardness of the piece, and the overall result. Such a perfect book so engrossing and so oddly funny.
Top 10 Must-See Travel Destinations as Determined by a Bar of Soap


                Wow I’m a bar of soap. I want to be your friend. Maybe if I write enough top ten lists we can be friends. Oh boy I would love to be your friend; I would steal your French fries and borrow your money. Yes being your friend would be grand. Now I know what you might be thinking: what could a bar of soap do for you? I can help keep your nose clean in a literal cleanliness fashion. 

                Today I have some travel destinations that you absolutely MUST SEE! I know there are many wonderful places to see in the world. Lots of beauty shoved into this small planet. Unfortunately I will never be able to see all of it. I lack the money to truly explore the world in style. Rather I hope that by imparting this wisdom you can find those mysterious places. To make it easier I have included places that are cheap, affordable, and easy to get to. Hope you find my little list super-helpful.

1.       Pauly Shore’s storage locker at the YMCA in Hollywood, California – Hollywood, California wow what an exciting place to be, where dreams are made. For Pauly Shore his dreams were not made. Currently Pauly Shore lives inside his storage locker in the Hollywood YMCA. When Pauly Shore is not busy listening to his favorite group “Basement Jaxx” while surfing the internet at his local library, he goes to the YMCA to live and hang out in the pool. When Pauly Shore goes in the pool he does not swim, he hangs out at the end of the lap lane because Pauly Shore does not know how to swim. Parents tell their children to avoid following Pauly Shore’s career trajectory, informing them instead to do literally anything else with their lives. Seeing Pauly Shore’s storage locker is one of the wonders of the modern world for it is incredible that Pauly Shore not only sleeps in the locker but sleeps upside down, somehow. As a bar of soap I would love to help Pauly Shore clean up his act but it may be more than me, a mere bar of soap, can do.  
2.       Palmerston Atoll – in this island paradise in a remote part of the Pacific Ocean everybody speaks with a West Country accent. This is a fun place to go to. I mean you could hear the distinctive accent on the England-Wales border but why not go to the middle of nowhere and think to yourself “Wow one guy 145 years ago came over here and ensured his accent would live on, somehow.” I love the Pacific Ocean and think it is a great place for a bar of soap to hang out.
3.       Alan Cumming’s armpit – if you do not want to hang out underneath Alan Cumming’s armpit there is something seriously wrong with you. He was great in “Cabaret” and speaking on behalf of all bars of soap, he is a thespian of the highest caliber.
4.       The Blimpie’s in Paramus, New Jersey – this is a two-for-one deal. Not only do you get the experience of visiting America’s greatest state, New Jersey, you get a sweet Blimpie’s Sub sandwich complete with that pink stuff that is probably dressing or whatever.
5.       The Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania – Andy Warhol remains the most successful bar of soap of all time. Curiously nobody ever realized that Andy Warhol was a bar of soap. By successfully disguising himself as son of Polish immigrants he became one of the most influential artists of all time. To see Andy Warhol’s life where he pretended to be a human and not a bar of soap is an inspiration to all bars of soap.
6.       Bill, Wyoming – this little city in Wyoming has only ten people. It is named Bill! Isn’t that so quirky? There are some trains that ride through here and it has a hotel where the train people hang out and talk about train stuff, like cabooses and such. What a great world, the great big world of trains.
7.       Bukhara, Uzbekistan – until 1920 this was an independent emirate. The daughter of the Emir Shukira Raad Almi works as a broadcaster in the Washington, DC area. She’s pretty cool and it is pretty incredible the adventure she has had. Of course her adventure is nothing compared to a bar of soap but Bukhara is a beautiful part of the world that has been inhabited for millennia and is unlike any other part of the world.
8.       Twitter – Twitter is the new Facebook. You can visit Twitter on your computer, on your phone, and on the go. When you have Twitter on your phone you can have your Twitter anytime. Bars of Soap enjoy having their own specific Twitter handles because they can say whatever they want. Facebook requires a person to confirm they are in fact a person. Hence Facebook is not anonymity-friendly.
9.       Denver, Colorado – Denver is the best city in the world. Whoever disagrees is clearly not a bar of soap.
10.   Ireland – Ireland is responsible for the literary giant James Joyce, a favorite writer among bars of soap. Additionally Ireland is the homeland of Irish Spring perhaps one of the most famous bars of soap of all times. When you visit Ireland I guarantee that you will run into incredibly pleasant bars of soap. Irish Spring is the kind of bar of soap that sells for 5 for eight cents. Such a good deal to be had with Irish Spring.

When you think about going on your next trip, think of these places and their majesty or something.

Top 10 Must-See Travel Destinations as Determined by a Bar of Soap

                Wow I’m a bar of soap. I want to be your friend. Maybe if I write enough top ten lists we can be friends. Oh boy I would love to be your friend; I would steal your French fries and borrow your money. Yes being your friend would be grand. Now I know what you might be thinking: what could a bar of soap do for you? I can help keep your nose clean in a literal cleanliness fashion. 

                Today I have some travel destinations that you absolutely MUST SEE! I know there are many wonderful places to see in the world. Lots of beauty shoved into this small planet. Unfortunately I will never be able to see all of it. I lack the money to truly explore the world in style. Rather I hope that by imparting this wisdom you can find those mysterious places. To make it easier I have included places that are cheap, affordable, and easy to get to. Hope you find my little list super-helpful.

1.       Pauly Shore’s storage locker at the YMCA in Hollywood, California – Hollywood, California wow what an exciting place to be, where dreams are made. For Pauly Shore his dreams were not made. Currently Pauly Shore lives inside his storage locker in the Hollywood YMCA. When Pauly Shore is not busy listening to his favorite group “Basement Jaxx” while surfing the internet at his local library, he goes to the YMCA to live and hang out in the pool. When Pauly Shore goes in the pool he does not swim, he hangs out at the end of the lap lane because Pauly Shore does not know how to swim. Parents tell their children to avoid following Pauly Shore’s career trajectory, informing them instead to do literally anything else with their lives. Seeing Pauly Shore’s storage locker is one of the wonders of the modern world for it is incredible that Pauly Shore not only sleeps in the locker but sleeps upside down, somehow. As a bar of soap I would love to help Pauly Shore clean up his act but it may be more than me, a mere bar of soap, can do.  

2.       Palmerston Atoll – in this island paradise in a remote part of the Pacific Ocean everybody speaks with a West Country accent. This is a fun place to go to. I mean you could hear the distinctive accent on the England-Wales border but why not go to the middle of nowhere and think to yourself “Wow one guy 145 years ago came over here and ensured his accent would live on, somehow.” I love the Pacific Ocean and think it is a great place for a bar of soap to hang out.

3.       Alan Cumming’s armpit – if you do not want to hang out underneath Alan Cumming’s armpit there is something seriously wrong with you. He was great in “Cabaret” and speaking on behalf of all bars of soap, he is a thespian of the highest caliber.

4.       The Blimpie’s in Paramus, New Jersey – this is a two-for-one deal. Not only do you get the experience of visiting America’s greatest state, New Jersey, you get a sweet Blimpie’s Sub sandwich complete with that pink stuff that is probably dressing or whatever.

5.       The Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania – Andy Warhol remains the most successful bar of soap of all time. Curiously nobody ever realized that Andy Warhol was a bar of soap. By successfully disguising himself as son of Polish immigrants he became one of the most influential artists of all time. To see Andy Warhol’s life where he pretended to be a human and not a bar of soap is an inspiration to all bars of soap.

6.       Bill, Wyoming – this little city in Wyoming has only ten people. It is named Bill! Isn’t that so quirky? There are some trains that ride through here and it has a hotel where the train people hang out and talk about train stuff, like cabooses and such. What a great world, the great big world of trains.

7.       Bukhara, Uzbekistan – until 1920 this was an independent emirate. The daughter of the Emir Shukira Raad Almi works as a broadcaster in the Washington, DC area. She’s pretty cool and it is pretty incredible the adventure she has had. Of course her adventure is nothing compared to a bar of soap but Bukhara is a beautiful part of the world that has been inhabited for millennia and is unlike any other part of the world.

8.       Twitter – Twitter is the new Facebook. You can visit Twitter on your computer, on your phone, and on the go. When you have Twitter on your phone you can have your Twitter anytime. Bars of Soap enjoy having their own specific Twitter handles because they can say whatever they want. Facebook requires a person to confirm they are in fact a person. Hence Facebook is not anonymity-friendly.

9.       Denver, Colorado – Denver is the best city in the world. Whoever disagrees is clearly not a bar of soap.

10.   Ireland – Ireland is responsible for the literary giant James Joyce, a favorite writer among bars of soap. Additionally Ireland is the homeland of Irish Spring perhaps one of the most famous bars of soap of all times. When you visit Ireland I guarantee that you will run into incredibly pleasant bars of soap. Irish Spring is the kind of bar of soap that sells for 5 for eight cents. Such a good deal to be had with Irish Spring.

When you think about going on your next trip, think of these places and their majesty or something.

ZOMBIE BOUNTY HUNTER M.D. - FESTIVAL FUNDRAISER

                ZOMBIE BOUNTY HUNTER M.D. is the philosophical treatise on zombies the world needs. In the not so distant future the world will probably be overrun by zombies and those who failed to watch this movie will fail at the most important task of all, survival. For zombie life is more than a bunch of silly weirdos putting on makeup and ‘hamming it up’ is a career. Thankfully for everyone there is a crew out in the wilderness doing whatever they can to garner the zombie hits. 

                A long while ago this wonderful film was shot on location at a budding zombie apocalypse, Idaho. From there the zombie movement has not spread because nobody in Idaho ever leaves ago. It is a place where dreams and brainpower goes to die. The intrepid crews behind ZOMBIE BOUNTY HUNTER M.D. are fully aware of this struggle between the rest of the United States and the dearth of thought coming from a state famous for potatoes, not people. 

                Good thing there is going to be a festival coming potentially to cities across the United States. The movie explores what people will do for hits like getting close to zombie attacks in an attempt to get those sweet hits. Online hits are everything. People feel the need to get hits, likes, comments, until they are full. Some people are never full. Instead some people opt to drop out of life and transform themselves into purely digital entities. Lots of people do this and it is an acceptable career path for plenty of people. 

                With great money comes great responsibility which is why ZOMBIE BOUNTY HUNTER M.D. is only asking for $5,000. That way they can take it seriously but not too seriously. Maybe they should take it more seriously seeing how they watched zombies eat brains firsthand. Sure they could have helped but that might have taken away a lot of the zombie realism they clearly go for throughout the film. In fact if they help anybody it would be those watching, to help inform others what do it in case of a zombie attack. 

                Can ZOMBIE BOUNTY HUNTER M.D change the world? Is the world a better place with this movie in existence? Yes is the obvious answer. Less obvious is the importance of bringing this movie out to the masses. If this motley crew of film makers gets their money they can help educate America’s youth to be vigilant of the inevitable zombie apocalypse. And for $5,000 they can save the world via the power of cinema.